Frutti Rings

Bad news everybody. We blew our entire budget perfecting the Frutti Rings recipe and now can’t afford to hire an illustrator for the box. You all know me as an unrelenting perfectionist, ignoring deadlines and going millions of dollars over-budget to create the most delectable fruit-flavored cereal, but that changes right now. As much as it pains me to say this, we need to design our cereal box for zero dollars.

Can any of you draw? A room full of cereal executives and no one knows their way around a pencil? Unbelievable!

What’s that Rebecca? Your 5-year old son draws? Did he do the drawing in your office of that giant pigtailed cyclops and razor-toothed troll attacking a melting triangle? Oh, that’s supposed to be you and him outside your house. This is killing me, our delicious cereal deserves a professional illustrator, but as long as we don’t have to pay your son he sounds like our best option.

Here’s what I want him to draw. The box needs to capture the triumphant moment when a brightly colored tropical bird swoops down and grabs a delicious Frutti Ring with its claws. In the birds eyes we should see the joy our amazing cereal gives to anyone lucky enough to have it. Because some misguided people might see this as a Toucan Sam rip off, we need to put a twist on it so people know we’re our own original brand. To do that, please have your 5 year-old son give our bird a mohawk, a dangerously sharp beak and feet that look like half-opened pistachios. That should set our fantastic cereal apart and keep Kellogg’s from suing us.

Can your son get us a Photoshop file by Monday? Oh, he only works in crayon? That might be a problem, we don’t have the budget to scan in artwork. Tell you what, bring him in tomorrow and Craig the IT guy can teach him MS Paint.

I know guys, this is not an ideal situation, but we made a delicious cereal that we can all be proud of. Once people taste Frutti Rings I’m confident they’ll be so blown away they won’t care what the box looks like. Just remember, at Forrelli we are committed to providing customers with the highest quality product terrible packaging can hold. And that you can sell for one dollar. All our food must only cost a dollar.

Tweets to the Three People Who Recently Unfollowed Me

Last night, I discovered that three people unfollowed my Twitter account @AdamSacks. I did not take it well.

Politics of sports

G. Gordon Liddy recently attacked soccer as a sport, saying

[Soccer] comes from Latin America, uhh and first we have to get into this term, the Hispanics. Uhh that would indicate uhh Spanish language, and yes, these people uhh in Latin America speak Spanish. That is because conquistadores…tall uhh Caucasians, not very many of them, uhh conquered the Indians, and uhh the Indians adopted the language of their conquerors. But what we call Hispanics now really are South American Indians. And uhh uhh this game, I think, originated uhh with South American Indians, and instead of a ball they used to use the head, the decapitated head, of an enemy warrior.

Sure it seems xenophobic to dislike a sport because it wasn’t invented in America, uninformed to say it was invented in Latin America and racist to assume they played it with a decapitated head, but I have to give Liddy credit for staying consistent. Here are some criticisms he leveled at other sports.

On baseball

Baseball is the perfect example of what is wrong with America today. Baseball, like America, was invented by white Americans, and baseball, like America, is overrun by the decedents of Latin American savages who cross our porous boarders and take our jobs cleaning up at bat, mopping up on the mound and working the fields. Just look at any MLB roster; there’s enough Vazquezes, Martinezes and Rodriquezes that you’d think you’re reading a list of Wal-Mart janitors. And I don’t have to tell you, with enough of those type on a team, it’s just a matter of time before bases end up stolen. It’s time the MLB took a page from Arizona lawmaker’s playbook and made baseball for Americans once and for all.

On basketball

Want to know why Obama loves basketball? Because Obama loves European socialist programs, and it seems now like every NBA team has at least one European player who helps his team with with an unselfish playing style. And if that’s not bad enough, these European guys always look really goofy, like they don’t have full control over their gangly limbs, even when they’re moving the ball well or scoring a basket. They’re a disgrace to a game that used to celebrate the American ideals of showboating and flashiness.

On football

We’ve got the same problem in the GOP as we do in the NFL. It used to be we had a preferential system in place, starting all the way in high school, that fast tracked white guys to the important decision making positions. Now, we have to look diverse, so we end up with leaders like Michael Vick or Michael Steele, who keep messing up by killing dogs or making boneheaded public statements like calling Afghanistan “a war of Obama’s choosing.”

On hockey

Did you know that over half of NHL players are Canadian? That means when you buy a ticket, some of that money goes to a Canadian, which then gets taxed by Canada, which then supports their socialized medicine, and I’ll be damned if I let even one cent of my hard earned money help save a Canadian life.

On golf

Golf is elitist, wasteful and expensive. Only wealthy neighborhoods can afford courses and only wealthy people can afford access and equipment. As a game that clearly favors the rich over the poor, it is everything that makes America exceptional.

A senator vetoes Glee

When I was elected, I swore to serve the American people, and I’m sorry honey, but the American people do not want us to watch Glee tonight. I’m all for bipartisanship, but I’m not doing my job by voting for a soulless work of lowest-common denominator pandering with cringe inducing musical numbers.

That’s not me talking, honey, that’s the American people. Sure the Nielsen-Gallup polls show a strong support for your Glee bill, but if they actually sat down and read the 44 page script, they’d realize how disingenuous it is for a show that is supposedly about social outcasts to revolve mostly around football players and cheerleaders.

And I don’t listen to polls anyway. I listen to the people. People like Betsy Roderick, a single mother of three struggling to make ends meet, who wrote to me pleading, “Anytime the glee teacher Will Schuester performs a musical number, it’s like watching my uncle dance to Lady Gaga at a wedding party.”

And I’ll never forget Paul Henderson, a lanky 15-year-old, who came up to me with tears in his eyes asking, “Wouldn’t Glee have been more interesting if they came up with good characters instead of a caricature of what middle-aged white guys think Diablo Cody thinks high school students are like?”

Also, honey, your Glee proposal is too expensive. I ran it by the congressional budget office and they said there’s no way a high school could afford the number of costumes and set designs seen in just one episode of Glee, let alone the entire season. They also raised some troubling questions as to how all the students could perform synchronized dance routines without ever practicing.

Oh honey, don’t look so cross at me. I have to act in the best interests of the American people, my hands are tied. We can still come to a compromise. The Jane Lynch section of your Glee bill is quite good, so why don’t you bring a new proposal to the floor that maintains the Lynch clause? I would suggest season one of Party Down.

Now that was a good show. Too bad it didn’t gain traction with the voters.

My concession speech

While I did not win the election, I don’t view this as a defeat. My opponent and I had a healthy debate on the issues and the majority of voters disagreed with my views. That is democracy at its finest.

I got into politics for one reason: to serve the people. And the people voted against me. Which is why I am making one simple promise.

I will not change.

With this election, the people have spoken, and they have said quite clearly, “We are stupid.” So I will serve the people by fighting against everything they voted for. This will cause political gridlock, halt any real progress and create enough frustration to confuse the people into thinking I can fix it. Then, and only then, will I have served the people by showing them I was right all along. That is democracy at its finest.

See you in two years!

Priestly Pedophilia and Jews

The New York Times: A senior Vatican priest speaking at a Good Friday service compared the uproar over sexual abuse scandals in the Catholic Church — which have included reports about Pope Benedict XVI’s oversight role in two cases — to the persecution of the Jews.

Rev. Raniero Cantalamessa: Yes, the Catholic Church knew about a few priests and their unfortunate decisions regarding children. And yes, instead of defrocking them, we just moved them to a new church so they could continue to make unfortunate decisions. But what is getting lost here is how very few priests we’re talking about. The vast majority of priests are good people, and by criticizing us for a few bad apples, you’re no better than anti-Semites.

Consider the middle ages. Most Jews at the time were good, decent people. Sure, a few of them were responsible for the black plague, but that doesn’t excuse the destruction of hundreds of Jewish villages throughout medieval Europe anymore than our approach to priestly misconduct excuses all the bad press we’ve been receiving.

And in 18oo’s, some Jewish bad apples were planning a global Zionist takeover, but the Russian pogroms that killed an estimated 300,000 innocent Jews was an over-reaction on par with the strongly worded op-ed pieces that have criticized our systematic cover-up of hundreds of child abuse cases throughout Europe.

And yes, some money grubbing, hook nosed Jews were responsible for Germany losing World War I and its subsequent economic collapse, but I think we can all agree that the Holocaust was as unwarranted as the recent calls for Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation.

My point is this: If you criticize us for protecting child rapists, you’re just as bad as the Nazis, about who our pope at the time, Pius XII, remained neutral.

Happy Easter!

Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first. That’s NEWS, baby! Ratings GOLD!

Really? You want more than that? Did I mention this is ratings GOLD? I did? Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves. Were there get pigs in a blanket? How about chicken satay? I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby! Ratings GOLD!

Really? You want more than that? Did I mention this is ratings GOLD? I did? Okay, just checking.

How about this? They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it. Does he wear Old Spice? Is he a Power Stick man? Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby! Ratings GOLD!

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews. Forget those fluff pieces! Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book. That’s NEWS, baby! New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story? Well, how did they get past the Secret Service? Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that? Really? Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD? I did? Okay, just checking.

How about this? The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner. Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead. We’re looking to the future, to movies. Specifically sex tapes. And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars. That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate? That’s movie MAGIC, baby! And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really? They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape! Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House. That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman? That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal? Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action? That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball. I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals. That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What? You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer. Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

Movie Pitch Meeting: Killing Mrs. Madoff

Gentlemen, thank you for coming. Kevin, John, please have a seat. Oh, and Mr. Spielberg we brought in a bejeweled couch for you to lounge on. Can I get you another gold leafed water bottle?

I’ll come right to the point. You all lost a ton of money in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. And Bernie, along with his evil wife who refuses to return any of their ill-gotten gains, have really stoked the flames of populist anger. A lot of people want their money back, or at least to see her suffer, and I think there’s money to be made in that.

See? K-Bakes is into it. Look at that smile. It’s not like he has any other offers. I bet it’s pretty lonely at home with Kyra always out shooting TNT’s smash hit The Closer. Give her my best.

Oh Malkovich, don’t shake your head. This is a no-brainer! Con Air, Rounders, Of Mice and Men? Are you kidding me? You’ve been preparing for this role your entire life!

Wait, Steven! Lay back down on your couch. Hear me out. I know you’ve always wanted to do a Dogma 95 style movie, and that’s the perfect way to do this. Also, if it’ll make you feel more comfortable, maybe we can write in an alien or Nazi character, or at least find some way to make the movie speak to your inner child that desperately seeks the strong male role model that you so obviously yearned for as a child.

Payments? Right. Well, we actually lost most of our money with Bernie as well, so we can’t offer you anything on the front end, but once you brutally murder Mrs. Madoff there should be more than enough to go around. Also, maybe we can work out some profit sharing back end deal. Hey, Larry King lost a bunch of money with Madoff as well, so I’ll bet we get free promotions on his show. He’s a tastemaker, right?

So, do we have a deal? Fantastic. I’ll have my assistant (who I stole this idea from in the first place) write up the contracts.

Diversify Your Investment Executives: A Board Meeting

It looks like we’re all present, so I’ll now officially call this board meeting to order. I asked you here because I just learned that our economy completely broke down and we are armpit deep in debt. I realize this has been the situation for a while, but it’s not my fault everything fell apart during my bi-annual 6 month vacation to the middle of the Amazon jungle away from all lines of communication. Anyway, we’re in danger of bankruptcy here, so it’s time to come up with some ideas and…

My goodness, look at us. What a diverse and attractive group of executives we are. We’ve got everything, both black and white, young and old, and can it be, why yes, more women than men. What’s that Jim? You’re part Puerto Rican? Fantastic.

I’ve got it! All our financial woes are over. We close the company, saving on a lot of money on overhead in the process, and become stock photography models for situational business photos. Who would be better at forcing smiles in awkward corporate settings than us? We’ve been doing it for years. Sheila, don’t worry about our shareholders, I’ll deal with them. Once I explain how picture perfect we are, they’ll come around. Seriously, what company wouldn’t want our photo on their website to imply they have diversity, maturity and professionalism?

Okay Robert, that is a good point. Stock photo modeling isn’t a growth business, but it will give us a quick cash infusion. With that capital we can take it and invest it in… I’ve got it.

Another depression is coming and you know what that means. The re-emergence of vaudeville shows! We can take our diversity and shoe-horn it into broad racial humor for the unwashed masses’ amusement. I, of course, will be the master of ceremonies, and you all will be my dancing, singing stereotypes. And the best part is, by actually having African American actors, we’ll save so much money on blackface paint. Since we’ve a strict unspoken policy of not hiring black men, Katherine you’ll have to sing Old Man River. What’s that? I don’t know, can’t you get throat cancer or something in order to hit those low notes?

On top of song and dance, we’ll also need some impressive physical feats. Show of hands, who here can juggle eight pins, walk on a tight rope, ride a unicycle or do a back flip? No one? That’s too bad. How about knife throwing? Anyone? Robert, you were once arrested for threatening your wife with a knife so that’ll be your act in the show, and Beth you’ll be his assistant and balance the apple on your head. Don’t give me that face, Beth, what else can you do? I think we all remember your karaoke debacle at the last Christmas party.

Okay gang, good meeting. We had a frank and honest discussion of the situation, brainstormed freely and settled on the best course of action. I think everyone here has a clear list of actionable goals, so let’s get to work and turn this company around.

3 Degrees of Failure

Okay team, huddle up. I got some bad news. I just checked the weather and we failed. This January 16th was not the coldest January 16th on record.

We missed it by three degrees. Three measly degrees. Just think how close we were to having a weather man–or woman, thank you Cindy–say on every future January 16th, “It sure was a cold one, but not nearly as cold as January 16th 2009.” And then we could point at the television and say to our children and grandchildren, “That was me. I was a part of that.”

But somebody here dropped the ball, and now we’re just another forgotten January 16th. I know I did my part. I stood outside for 6 hours handing out ice cubes to whoever would take them. Wearing no jacket either. For lunch I ate five ice cream sandwhiches. And I’m diabetic too, so you can’t say I’m not making sacrifices.

Look, I’m not trying to “play the blame game” or point fingers, but I want to know whose fault this is. Amy, did you turn the heat off in your house? No? You’re on thin ice with this team, I don’t care how young your baby is. And what about you, Richard? Sell that Hummer yet? You drove it to the store to buy hot chocolate mix? It’s those sorts of unforced errors that cost us the record. At least tell me no one changed their underwear since the cold snap we got hit with last week. Really, David? We were on a roll and you had to go and jinx us.

And yes Betsy, I do remember that we won the hottest day on record for November 14th, but we have to look forward not backward. Also, the hottest day on record in June is an accomplishment. In November, that’s like winning the tallest midget contest. No offense Jim. I didn’t see you down…I mean over there.

But do you know what really kills me? We lost out to January 16th 2004! You know what the number one movie in America was that day? Along Came Polly. You’re telling me we’re not better than a day in which a forgettable Ben Stiller romantic comedy ruled the cineplexes?

You know, maybe this is my fault. Maybe winning the coldest day in recorded history for that day is a fools goal. Maybe my obsession has only stolen 10 years of my life, three of my toes and any possibility of a sustainable relationship. Maybe I should just give up and get a respectable job and have a respectable goal like setting up the perfect home entertainment system.

But this is America. And in America, with enough hard work and determination, you can acheive anything–even the coldest day on record for that day. So you all can give up, but I’m committed to my goal. For victory, for glory, for numbness in the extremities.