Celebrity Cover Bands

Most celebrities secretly want to be rock stars but don’t know how to write songs. Which is why they should start cover bands! Here are a few celebrity cover band ideas.

Mark Paul Gosselaar is doing a pretty good job of moving past his Saved By The Bell days. But showbiz is a fickle mistress, so if his career takes a “Dustin Diamond” he can always start a Doors cover band.

Zack Morrison

Wilford Brimley. Whether it be oatmeal, diabetes or Cocoon, the man is known for associating with the best in the business. And you know who else was the best in the business? Otis Redding.

Quaker Oatis Redding

Now that Jon and Kate broke up, he’s probably wondering what to do with his life. If only there was someone else who broke up the union that rocketed him to stardom, but then did just fine on his own…Oh wait, there is. John Lennon!

Jon Minus Kate Plus Lennon

William Shatner has already had some success in the music business, but his career would really take off if he applied his unique spoken-word styling to Nirvana songs.

Kirk Cobain

And finally, Warner Bros. hasn’t done anything interesting with the Looney Toons in a long time. I think it’s time to dust off Marvin the Martian and have him make an album.

Marvin the Martian Gaye

Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday. As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world. Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias. Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake. Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches. If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.

Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: SPOILERS

Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit. Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.

And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures. Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy. I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.

• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.

• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.

• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.

• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.

• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.

• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.

• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.

• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.

• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!

• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.

Benjamin and Albert Franklin

Everyone knows Benjamin Franklin, inventor, author, statesman, diplomat and Founding Father. Few, however, know of his twin brother, Albert.

While Benjamin, even from an early age, showed a strong work ethic, Albert was satisfied to “just hang out, man,” and became widely known as a gadabout, vagabond, and ne’er-do-well. Although identical twins, Albert was easy to tell apart by his bloodshot eyes, dumb grin, and long unkempt hair (even by those day’s standards). It would take almost two centuries for historians to recognize Albert as America’s first hippie.

Unfortunately, the brothers had a falling out in 1757 when Benjamin, in an attempt to help his brother pay off debts owed to his Native American dealer, hired Albert to work the printing press for that year’s Poor Richard Almanac. It seems that right before going to print, Benjamin had to leave on business, and Albert, ever the joker, made unauthorized changes to the text.

The full extent of Albert’s handiwork will forever remain a secret, since Benjamin, upon discovering his brother’s prank, attempted to destroy each and every copy. But despite his best efforts, two pages of Albert’s version survived. They are currently held within a secret vault bellow the Smithsonian made specially to hide evidence of famous Americans’ embarrassing brothers.

And if you would like these pages as a desktop wallpaper, here you go.

More TV Tag Lines

My last post was about the artlessly expository tag line for the TV show The Cougar (One older woman. Twenty younger men). Here are tag lines to other shows that the TV Land copywriters might have come up with.

I might do more of these later, but for now I think it’s time to take a little break from tag lines.

The Cougar: Tag lines

Hey, have you heard about “cougars?” Older women going after younger men? Of course you have because people have been beating this idea to death for way too long. We get it already. That’s what men usually do, so how hilarious is it that women do it too? Totally hilarious!

Hopefully this reality TV show will end the cougar zeitgeist.

I think what’s most repulsive to me about this (besides everything) is the total lack of creativity in the tag line. For the past two years there’s been nothing but a glut of cougar related humor and the best TV Land’s copywriting team could come up with is “One Older Woman. Twenty Younger Men.” I wonder what their tag line for Law & Order would be. Probably “Cops and Lawyers Fighting Crime.”

Here are a few better tag lines I came up with for The Cougar.

TV Land, call me. I have even better ideas for High School Reunion.

FOX News: In The Bedroom

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the shrinking skirt lengths of female Fox News anchors, and the general trend towards sexualizing television news personalities. Taking this move to it’s logical conclusion, I’d like to rate Fox News personalities in bed. Now, I’ve never had sex with anyone on Fox News nor do I know much about them, so by their standards I am an expert.

Steve Doocy

Although he has the haircut of a 9-year-old and the sense of persecution normally reserved for blacks living in the south during Jim Crow, Steve Doocy is painfully average. In fact, Steve Doocy is what you get if you were to average out every white male in America . He has 2.5 children, a 95.5 IQ, and a 4.5 inch penis, which he uses twice a month to to make his wife wish she married the other guy. Rating: Top of the Bell curve

The Blond Women Of Fox News

What eugenics lab did these women come from? They’re the Third Reich’s wet dream. That said, all the good looks, short skirts and conservative viewpoints in the world won’t make their emotionally distant father ever love them. Which is good news for you in the bedroom, until they start crying. Rating: 3 out of 4 Heil Hitlers

Neil Cavuto

Now I know chubby guys are supposed to try harder in bed, but when you combine pudginess with a conservative’s sense of entitlement, it’s like the Bush tax cuts: you’ll work twice as hard while he gets all the rewards. Rating: In a rubric of Pillsbury products, Cinnamon Buns being the best, he’s not even a Croissant.

Bill O’Reilly

Let’s face it, Bill O’Reilly is one kinky dude, and he’s willing to sexually harass an employee to prove it. Normally his love for vibrators and Thai sex shows would work in his favor, however Bill confuses falafels with Loofa sponges

And I think that’s one yeast infection you can do without. Rating: On a scale of 1 to 10, he’s a Monistat 7.

Greta Van Susteren

If her butt kissing interview with Sarah Palin is any indication, Greta loves tossing salad.

Rating: GMILF

Sean Hannity

If you want to dress up as the Statue of Liberty and get drilled for a good 4 minutes on American Flag sheets while a choir sings “Sean Hannity is the greatest commentator God has ever given us,” then he’s your guy. But you probably don’t want that. Rating: 13 out of 50 stars on the American flag.

Ann Coulter

Generally I don’t recommend having sex with a horse-faced skeleton, but you have to balance that with the fact that Ann Coulter will do anything to get a reaction. And I mean ANYTHING. Rating: A+

Glenn Beck

I think it’s pretty obvious that Glenn Beck is hiding something, so let me leave you with this image.

Rating: N/A. There’s really no in between with this. You either love it or hate it.

Here’s one last thought. If you’re at a bar and you have the opportunity to take a Fox News personality home with you, you should start going to more interesting bars.

Movie Poster Plots

Today’s movies are so predictable, the poster gives everything away. Let me save you some time and money by doing a quick movie round-up, based solely on their posters.

Crank 2

In a change of pace, action star Jason Statham hosts a documentary about the ethical issues surrounding executions by lethal injection and the electric chair.

Spoiler Alert: Statham comes to the conclusion it’s more humane if he just drop kicks them to death.

Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino takes us to the world’s most violent spelling bee in a very foggy Nazi Germany.

Spoiler Alert: Losers get their head cut off by Adolf Hitler, played by Samuel L. Jackson.

X-men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine realizes he’s trapped in prison behind bars of his own making.

Spoiler Alert: Wolverine goes on a violent yet bloodless PG-13 rampage.

Adventureland

Through an unlikely mix up, an awkward boy ends up spending the summer in a Southeast Asian sweatshop making amusement park T-shirts for 20 hours a day, where he meets a girl way out of his league who inexplicably falls in love with him.

Spoiler Alert: He learns that sweatshops don’t just make cheap shirts in awful working conditions, they also make great coming of age stories.

Possession

Sarah Michelle Gellar can’t escape a creepy man the size of her nose who casts two shadows.

Spoiler Alert: Gellar eventually escapes, but not before she almost doesn’t.

The Boat that Rocked

It’s the colorful story of a pimp, businessman, hippie, and lounge singer who are all dangerously near-sighted.

Spoiler Alert: When all four learn to get along, the circling sharks don’t eat them.

Whiteout

On Christmas Eve, albino terrorists take over the country’s biggest opaque correction fluid factory, and only a very sexy and high contrast Kate Beckinsale (bundled in a decidedly unsexy Eskimo getup) can stop them.

Spoiler Alert: She kills the albino terrorist leader by drowning him in a vat of Wite-Out. When they try to fish out his body later, they can’t find it. Is it because he blends in too well, or did he escape into the sequel? Only box office receipts know for sure.

Up

Pixar’s latest masterpiece takes us on a helium induced psychedelic buddy road trip into our collective subconscious.

Spoiler Alert: Randy Newman sings to kids about the wonders of hallucinogenic drugs.

And there you have it, 8 new movies you’ve now seen. I just saved you almost 100 dollars. Please show your appreciation by sending me almost 100 dollars.

Wild Animals: A Survival Guide

If you spend anytime outside the safety of suburbs and their cookie-cutter houses, manicured lawns and dark family secrets, it is inevitable that you will encounter a wild animal. Wild animals, as the name implies, are wild and thus dangerous and/or drunk. These encounters are fraught with deadly missteps, so here is my guide to surviving encounters with different animals.

1. Lions
If you come across a lion, it is imperative that you DO NOT RUN. Lions are unimpressed with your running because they can run much faster, which they will demonstrate right before tearing you apart with their razor sharp teeth. So instead, stand up straight and pat your head while rubbing your belly. This dazzling display of dexterity will cripple the lion with shame and jealousy, giving you time to escape uneaten.

2. Bears
If a bear finds you, it is important to make as much noise as possible while singing and dancing the Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, or any other popular wedding dance song from the late 80′s. Bears are notoriously proud and noble (some might say egotistical) animals, and will not lower themselves by attacking anyone acting so pathetic.

3. Gorillas
We all know the adage, “When traveling through Gorilla country, bring scotch whiskey,” but few people know why. As it turns out, Gorillas have developed quite an affinity for single malt scotch, but not the corresponding tolerance to handle it. So, if a gorilla charges, simply hold your bottle, preferably Johnnie Walker Blue Label, up high. Upon seeing your offer, the gorilla will take out the two shot glasses all gorillas carry on their person. After you both do a shot, the gorilla will lay on the ground and proceed to cry and beat its chest about the one that got away. This is your cue to make an excuse and politely leave the gorilla alone with its regrets .

4. Elephants
If an elephant attacks, simply match speeds with the lumbering beast and climb up its side (if Orlando Bloom did it in green tights and a blonde wig, then so can you). Next, crawl onto its head, and cut off a tusk using your Dremel. Take the tusk back and sell it on the black market, using your illegal profits to hire a big game hunter. Then go back to the savanna to kill the elephant and all of its relatives, because elephants never forget and hold grudges forever.

5. Wild Turkeys
Wild turkeys are actually dangerous, but thankfully incredibly stupid as well. If one tries attacking you, ask it this simple brain teaser:

Hey turkey. Let’s say you’re on a game show, and you have to choose between three closed doors. Behind one door is all the bird seed you can eat. Behind the other two doors are hungry Pilgrims. You choose door #1. Before opening the door, the game show host (who knows what is behind every door) reveals a Pilgrim behind door #2. After stopping the Pilgrim from eating you, the game show host asks if you want to stay with your choice of door #1 or switch to door #3. Should you switch doors, and why?

The turkey will probably say it doesn’t matter because it’s now 50/50 between the two remaining doors. This, of course, is wrong because the door it originally chose only had a 33% chance of being right, while the other two doors had a 67% chance. After the host removed one of the other doors out of the equation, the original door still only has a 33% chance of being right because it was chosen when all 3 doors were an option, so the remaining door has a 67% chance of being right. As the turkey tries to understand this, it will suffer a fatal massive cerebral explosion.

6. Sloths
As a general rule of thumb, sloths are pretty slow, so it’s best to just run away. THIS IS NOT TRUE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN. Americans are stereotypically famous for being stereotypically corpulent, lazy and sluggish, so there’s no way one could outrun a sloth. Americans would be wise to avoid sloth areas entirely; however if you are American and do find yourself face to face with a sloth, curl up into the fetal position, protecting your head and neck with your arms, and pray the sloth has already eaten its fill for the day.

7. Unicorns
Most people believe unicorns are gentle, loving creatures. This is because a long time ago, unicorns hired a really good PR firm. Before their “flowers and rainbows” makeover, children the word over knew unicorns to be vicious killing machines, equally adept at hunting on land, sea and air. Unicorns, in fact, are the only known natural predator of Carcharodon carcharias, commonly known as great white sharks, and in most scientific circles unicorns are credited with killing off the dinosaurs. So, if you find yourself being attacked by a unicorn, I strongly suggest you stop taking so many drugs.

8. Frat Boys
Frat boys are dangerous creatures because of their unpredictable nature–it’s impossible to tell whether they will homo-erotically grab each other, beat up a gay guy, or date rape a girl. Compounding the difficulties is their general lack of sobriety, logic or grasp of spoken language, which eliminates any attempt at reasoning with one. Your best course of action is to empty a bunch of wine coolers, refill them with rubbing alcohol and red food coloring, and challenge one to pound all six in under 2 minutes.

9. Mice
When you see a mouse, immediately jump up on the nearest table, or chair and scream in your highest pitched voice, “Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod! A mouse! Right there! It’s not there anymore, it ran away, but I saw it. I bet it’s in the walls right now. Don’t tell me to calm down, I saw a mouse. IN MY APARTMENT! No, I’m not getting traps, they’re cruel. No, the glue ones are even worse. That’s it, I can’t sleep here anymore. I can’t LIVE here anymore. I have to move.” As long as the mouse believes you are afraid, it probably won’t kill you in your sleep.

And there you have it. My fool-proof, money back guaranteed methods for surviving encounters with wild animals. If you try any of these techniques and they don’t work as advertised, you probably did something wrong.

Suspicious Subway Sights

In the wake of 9/11, the New York subways started the “If you see something, say something.” campaign.

What I like most about this campaign is how I interpret it to be the Metropolitan Transit Authority deputizing me to personally dispense justice to the subterranean world.

However, I am not perfect. I’ve seen many suspicious things that I kept to myself. So, in the spirit of honesty and transparency, here’s a list of everything I failed to report to a police officer or MTA employee.

1. Someone without an iPod.

2. A quiet group of high school kids.

3. A crowded train without anyone reading Atlas Shrugged.

4. A passed out drunk who hasn’t wet himself.

5. A tastefully done advertisement for Dr. Zizmor.

6. People moving all the way into the subway during rush hour, instead of crowding the doors.

7. Detailed and anatomically accurate penis graffiti.

8. A guy successfully getting a girl’s number.

9. A late night G train running normally.

10. Out of work Julliard grads trying to make rent.

I know, it’s shameful how many times I stayed silent, but it feels good to come clean. It’s like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. From now on I promise to be more vigilant, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me my past transgressions.