2009 in numbers

You know how sometimes you try to be smart and read Harper’s magazine but then just flip to the back and check out the Harper’s Index?  Yeah, me neither.  Anyone who does that is a real jerk.  But worse still would be ripping off that idea and claiming it’s different because in your format the number comes first.

2 – My goal for number of original posts per week I would write for AdamThinks.com in 2009.

122 – Number of posts I wrote this year.

1.85 – Average number of weekly posts, discounting material I had previously created, lazy posts of a single photo, and easy Google search lists.

46,305 – Number of AdamThinks page loads from before August 21th 2009.

197,893 – Number of AdamThinks page loads since I posted my iPhone commercial parody on August 21st.

10329.50 – Estimated worth in US dollars of AdamThinks by Website Outlook.

111.39 – Actual amount in US dollars made selling stuff on AdamThinks.

94.3 – Percentage of dollars earned that came from this shirt.

58 – Number of people who thought I should only wear boxers as a Halloween costume.

1 – Number of times AdamThinks was linked to by The New York Times.

1 – Number of times AdamThinks was linked to by a beer pong website.

0 – Some people’s ability to understand satire.

581 – Number of Twitter followers I gained this year.

984 – Number of Twitter followers I still trail Congressman George Radanovich in my campaign to beat him at Twitter.

1 – Number of times Shaquille O’Neal indirectly tweeted me when I tried to help him.

2 – Number of posts that reference the NBC sitcom Mad About You.

8 – Number of posts that reference US President Barack Obama.

10000000 – Amount I wish this was about my website.

Even More Google Searches

Here are some more interesting Google searches that brought people to my site, and how high Google ranks me in each search.

• 1st collectors plate stupid

• 1st was kathy bates ever attractive?

• 2nd dane cook acting out romeo and juliet

• 2nd find house wife in woodbridge

• 2nd I want to buy a chinook helicopter

• 4th can infertile couples get married in the catholic church

• 4th Is killing unicorns illegal

• 6th 3 character traits for Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code

• 6th why can’t people cut off elephants tusks in there sleep

• 8th how to make friends like on the tv show

• 9th illegal immigrants acting in movies

• 13th how write a letter to steven spielberg

• 13th benjamin franklin baby photo

• 15th how to take attractive pictures of yourself

• 36th when you take a picture of yourself how do you edit it so it looks like your meeting someone famous?

And my absolute favorite search (but it should be ranked higher)

• 5th adam sacks is great i love him!!!!!!!

Lazy Halloween Costumes

I realize I’m in the minority here, but I don’t care about Halloween.  I’ve got enough stuff going on, I don’t feel like coming up with a costume that I’ll wear once and have destroyed in a crowded party.  But no one likes spoilsport, so here are a few ideas I mocked up.  Please let me know which costume you think I should go with.

There’s the more traditional route.

Or something more conceptual.

Maybe something a bit more highbrow?

There’s always the meta option

Or the old standby

You’ve seen the candidates, now it’s time to vote.

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More Google Searches

The weird Google searches that lead people to my website continue.  Here’s a bunch, all from the last month, in order of their Google ranking.

gorillas dancing to the electric slide – 1st!!!

botticelli paint aliens – 1st

how mcdonalds advertising give you a warm fuzzy feeling – 1st

what is a good thesis for a paper on battle star galactica – 2nd

why honor wolf blitzer – 2nd

A POOR BOY HELPING A BLIND MAN WITH ONLY A PHOTO – 2nd

statue of old man with skull and wild animal – 2nd

im writing a letter to mountain dew so what do i use for there address – 3rd

french sissies – 4th

pituitary gland dan brown – 4th

what you can smell in russia – 5th

are guys ugly? – 5th

former news anchor on fox, blonde, chubby -6th

Angela Merkel NAKED PICTURE – 6th

Here’s what Angela Merkel looks like clothed.

what’s worse than a hobbit – 8th

i’m tired of the government stealing my money – 8th

girls who date frat boys will regret it later – 9th

letter why I want to be editor in chief – 9th

“juice box” onan -9th.  Creepy considering Onan is the biblical figure who God killed because he “spilled his seed.”

alien unicorns – 10th

rearranging den for mother – 15th

is God okay with soap operas – 15th

will a gorilla rape a person? – 19th

Yes, all of these were within a 30 day period.  If this keeps up, I’ll have to make Google searches a monthly post.

Google Searches

One of the joys of having a website is seeing what Google searches bring people to your site.

Recently, people end up at AdamThinks for one of two reasons.  Either to find spoilers for Dan Brown’s new novel The Lost Symbol, or to find spoilers for Kate Beckinsale’s new movie Whiteout.

It is amazing to me that anyone actually thinks Whiteout has a plot that could be spoiled.

But there are also a lot of strange search strings that bring people here, and I’ve been saving up the good ones for a few months now.  I hope you find them amusing.

Without a doubt, my favorite search of all time is can i make it look good? or am i gonna look like a crazy giraffe with rabies.  Not only is that an awesome thing to search for, but I am the number one Google result!  I could not be happier, even though for the rest of my life  I will be obsessed with what “it” is that might make someone look like a crazy giraffe with rabies.  And for those of you wondering what a crazy giraffe with rabies looks like, I made this.

Somewhat surprisingly, if you search I have a cut open to the skull, I am also the number one result.  I feel really bad for the person who googled that and ended up here.  I guess they never thought to google 911.

Also filed under, “Not what I was looking for” is breaking a death news to employees – letter which brings me up 9th.   And I’m first if you search death letters to professor.  I would love to know what that person was actually looking for.  Did he want tips on writing a death threat to a professor, or just for a way to write to a dead professor?  Either way, I wish my website could have been more of a help.

Painted deathskull weird boy ranks me the 5th most authoritative source on odd young men’s decorated skulls.

Search Perfume us army new line and I come up 3rd.  For the life of me, I can’t imagine what an army themed perfume would smell like (ass kicking and bubblegum?),  but I would love to see that commercial.

I’m 6th if you search ct and adam fight was adam really afraid for his life? Let me answer that right now.  Yes, I was afraid for my life.  You try fighting the entire state of Connecticut and not fear death.

Film poster psychedelic body brings me up second.  I am furious that I’m not number one.  There is no better place on the internet than right here to find bodies tripping on acid while advertising movies.

I’m also second if you search Egotistical wild animals.  Egotistical wild animals?  Awesome.  On the flip side, I rank 4th under do wild animals cry (turkeys)? which would be an awesome Prince song.  And people searching for adages about gorillas will find me listed second.

I’m number one for “Hostile Takeover” Movie porn which does not speak well for that movie’s promotional team.

Hippy desktop wallpaper ranks me 14th.  That’s sorta a bummer, man, but we’re all in this together, you know?

I come up 7th if you’re asking why do cheez-its have holes in the center.  I’m just glad there are other people who wonder about that too.

I’m the 17th result if you search how did fonzie get so cool? But that’s like asking “How is water wet?”  It just is.  And while we’re on the subject of Fonzie, seaching fonzie ayyy brings me up 4th, which I think is funny, because I wonder what someone was wanting to know about Fonzie, that they had to include “ayyy” to get the right result.

I am listed 20th if you search sissies gone wild.  That is probably not something to brag about.

Speaking of things to not brag about, if you’re looking for penis tag lines, I’m 24th.

But if you want some good tag lines for women, I’m ranked 5th, which is worth a brag.

I’m 10th under obama porn photoshop pictures.  As you can imagine, that’s a real windfall for me, because who doesn’t search for Obama porn photoshop pictures at least once a day?

Walmart m1 tank lists me 11th.  Did someone really think they could buy a tank at Walmart?

I’m second for I’m on a death trap baby true blood which is the most beautiful refrigerator magnet poetry I’ve read in quite some time.

I’m also the second result for “nazi germany” up pixar, so it’s nice to know I’ve got the Disney loving Nazis demographic on my side.

And then there are searches that freak me out enough that I didn’t follow up to find my Google ranking.

1. sexy 15 year old boy

2. sexy thoughts for 15 year old

3. got a moustache and 15 years old boy

4. NUDE KIDS

5. cook baby porn

6. twitter/baby porn

7. gay boys taking it

I don’ t know what’s worse, that people searched for those things, or that those searches lead them here.  Either way, I hope you’ve enjoyed my website, because I’ll probably be shut down soon.

More Wet Paint Anagrams

For those who missed it, back in January I took some New York City subway “Wet Paint” signs and rearranged the letters to say other things.

Afterwords I thought of some more Wet Paint anagrams, but none really seemed worth a second post.  That is, until I thought to use two signs.

Enjoy.

And I think that about does it for wet paint signs.

Mad Men Season 3 Spoilers

Most TV journalists have been thwarted in their efforts to discover anything about the upcoming season of Mad Men.  But I’m much better than those hacks.  Here are some totally true, no lie, money back guaranteed accurate storylines for season three of Mad Men.

Responding to growing criticism about Mad Man not tackling the race problems of 1960’s America, Bill Cosby guest stars for three episodes as Sterling Cooper’s  new copywriter.

Joan Holloway is fired by Roger Sterling after she gets fat.

Seeking to add stronger female characters into the show, Paris Hilton guest stars as Susan Sontag.

Peggy’s secret child becomes a bigger problem when he develops an overactive pituitary gland at age 7.

And finally Jude Law guest stars as a British advertising man who works fewer hours, makes more money, puts in less effort to sleep with more women, and hides an even more secretive and less likely back story than Don Draper.

For more storyline you’ll just have to wait until the Mad Men season premier on August 16th.  And a big thanks to the Mad Men Yourself website which I used to create these images.

Celebrity Cover Bands

Most celebrities secretly want to be rock stars but don’t know how to write songs.  Which is why they should start cover bands!  Here are a few celebrity cover band ideas.

Mark Paul Gosselaar is doing a pretty good job of moving past his Saved By The Bell days.  But showbiz is a fickle mistress, so if his career takes a “Dustin Diamond” he can always start a Doors cover band.

Zack Morrison

Wilford Brimley.  Whether it be oatmeal, diabetes or Cocoon, the man is known for associating with the best in the business.  And you know who else was the best in the business?  Otis Redding.

Quaker Oatis Redding

Now that Jon and Kate broke up, he’s probably wondering what to do with his life.  If only there was someone else who broke up the union that rocketed him to stardom, but then did just fine on his own…Oh wait, there is.  John Lennon!

Jon Minus Kate Plus Lennon

William Shatner has already had some success in the music business, but his career would really take off if he applied his unique spoken-word styling to Nirvana songs.

Kirk Cobain

And finally, Warner Bros. hasn’t done anything interesting with the Looney Toons in a long time.  I think it’s time to dust off Marvin the Martian and have him make an album.

Marvin the Martian Gaye

Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday.  As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world.  Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias.  Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake.  Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches.  If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.

Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: SPOILERS

Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit.  Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.

And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures.  Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy.  I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.

• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.

• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.

• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.

• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.

• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.

• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.

• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.

• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.

• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!

• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.