Ahmadinejad and Twitter

Inside Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s office

Adviser: Sir, we have a problem.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: What? You’re still worried about those protesters? They’ll get tired eventually. And besides, our supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei is behind me, 100 percent. Just like my margin of victory in the election.

Adviser: Sir, you’re not taking the Twitter threat seriously enough.

MA: Yeah right. Those first hand accounts on Twitter are just a lot of confusing discrete bits that are hard to find and almost impossible to put together into a meaningful cohesive narrative. And besides, our Basiji shock troops are maiming and killing them at night. This will all blow over soon enough.

Adviser: But sir, we’re losing support from our most important constituency.

MA: You mean technologically-savvy, self-obsessed people living outside Iran?!?

Adviser: Exactly.

MA: How do you know this?

Adviser: It’s on Twitter. People are tinting their profile picture green.

MA: Why would they do that? They want to look sickly?

Adviser: No! It’s to show support for the opposition candidate Mir-Houssein Mousavi.

MA: Really? Because to me it just looks like they rode the tilt-a-whirl one too many times and are about to throw up.

Adviser: Sir, this is serious. We just lost another one. Take a look at what she has to say.

MA: Wow. So this seemingly clueless girl went to the trouble to learn Photoshop just so she could tint a photo of herself green in order to protest me?

Adviser: Not quite…There’s actually this website that will do it for you with just one click.

MA: Well then, I guess there’s nothing to worry about.

Adviser: Not so fast, sir. It just got worse. Look.

MA: You mean someone hates me but loves adorable puppies all lined up in a reg wagon?

Adviser: It would appear that way sir.

MA: This does not bode well for my future.

Adviser: And if you think that’s bad, check out these other, actually real Tweets by people who oppose you.

Adviser: And there are literally tens of thousands more inane posts just like this by by people with green photos. We’re in a bad spot, sir. I don’t think you have many options.

MA: I’m afraid you’re right.

Ahmadinejad takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

Adviser: Thank Allah my cell phone has a camera, this is going right on TwitPic.

Citizen Kane Fanboys

Here’s a sketch I wrote that was performed at the UCB theater a few weeks ago. There weren’t many rehearsals, but I think it came out okay all things considered.

Also, due to the camera placement’s, it’s hard to make out what the last person is wearing (which is kind of important) so if you’re interested, you can see it here.

Credits

Directed by: Eric Scott

Cast
Robert: Tim Martin
Judy: D’Arcy Erokan
Police Officer: James Dwyer
Father: Giancarlo
Daughter: Emily Tarver
Wizard of Oz Fan: Johnny McNulty
Rosebud: Anne Girvin

Fonzie: The Later Years

Many years after the events depicted in Happy Days, Arthur Fonzarelli realized he wanted more out of life and enrolled at the Community College of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Only taking classes taught by female professors, he graduated in a record one and a half semesters, summa cum laude with a doctorate in psychology. He opened a private practice shortly thereafter.

Bellow are the minutes from a few of Dr. Fonzarelli’s patients.

Patient 1

A knock at the door

Teenage Boy: Excuse me, is this Doctor Fonzarelli’s office?

Fonzie: Aaaayyy, what else it look like to you?

Boy: A converted garage attic.

Fonzie: Aaaay, it works, don’t it?

Boy: I guess…

Fonzie: Yeah right kid. You guess, but I know. Take a seat on the couch because the doctor is IN! (gives thumbs up)

Boy: Is that one of your white undershirts on the couch? Do you also live here?

Fonzie: Aaaay, we’re here to talk about you. What’s your problem kid?

Boy: Well…I’m having problems fitting in at school.

Fonzie: I believe it. Go on.

Boy: You see, I get picked on a lot. No one wants to be my friend.

Fonzie: You know what you’re problem is kid? You ain’t cool. Why don’t you start combing your hair like James Dean.

Boy: James who?

Fonzie: What are you, joking? James Dean is the coolest guy around.

Boy: Kids in my school like Jay-Z

Fonzie: Never heard of him. Also, when you stand, have a wide stance and stick your thumbs in your pockets like this.

Boy: That just looks weird.

Fonzie: Oh yeah and most important: wear a leather jacket.

Boy: No one in my school wears leather. We were taught that leather cruel to animals.

Fonzie: Aaaay, do you want to be as cool as me or not?

Boy: Wait, you think you’re cool?

Fonzie: Correctamundo! (gives thumbs up)

Boy begins laughing uncontrollably.

Fonzie: Quit laughing, kid. I am cool. Ask any of the kids down at Arnold’s Diner.

Boy: (still laughing) That place closed down before I was born. When’s the last time you’ve been out?

Fonzie: Maybe you should leave before I do something you regret.

The boy, still laughing, leaves.

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair but realizes he doesn’t have to

Fonzie: Aaaayyy!

Patient 2

Fonzie: Ayyy, so what’s a pretty little thing like you so sad about?

Woman: I feel like no one takes me seriously, because I’m a woman. My boss always talks down to me. My boyfriend never listens to what I have to say. It’s awful.

Fonzie: There, there sweet thing, let the Fonz make you feel all better.

Woman: What are you doing? Get away from me!

Fonzie: Playing hard to get? I can dig it. (gives thumbs up)

Woman: Get your hands off me right now.

Fonzie: What do you say you and I go to Inspiration Point so we can take this session to the next level? Ayyyy! (gives thumbs up)

Woman: You really don’t get it? This is exactly the type of behavior I’m talking about!

Fonzie: Ayyy! You said your boyfriend was from pitsville, so I was gonna give you the ol’ Fonzie experience. Show you you’ve still got it.

Woman: You’re a pig! And you’re probably as old as my grandfather. You’re lucky I don’t report you.

She leaves.

Fonzie: Aaay, your grandpops wishes he looked as good as me!

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair but realizes he doesn’t have to

Fonzie: Aaaayyy!

Patient 3

Man: My father used to terrorize me growing up, meting out harsh beatings for the tiniest things, like spilling a glass of water.

Fonzie: Aaay, I hear you. I hardly knew my Pops.

Man: You’re lucky. Because of my father’s beatings, I’m terrified of everything. He broke me, my Dad emotionally broke me, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Fonzie: Aaay, no problem. I got just the ticket.

Fonzie hits the man.

Man: Oww! Why are you hitting me?

Fonzie: It’s the Fonzie touch. You fixed yet?

Man: No, of course not.

Fonzie: Okay, tough case I guess. Let me try again.

Fonzie hits the man harder.

Man: OUCH! That really hurt.

Fonzie: But you’re all better now, right? Not all sad about your pops?

Man: (beginning to cry) No! It’s just bringing it all back.

Fonzie: All right, one last try. This one’s for all the marbles.

Fonzie hits the man even harder.

Man: (sobbing uncontrollably) NO! PLEASE STOP! Oh God, why are you beating me?

Fonzie: I don’t know what’s wrong. This always works on jukeboxes.

Man: (still crying) I’m not a jukebox!

Fonzie: Aaay, you got that right. You’re a real drag. Look at you crying all over the place. It’s embarrassing.

Man: You are awful! I’m leaving and not paying for the session.

The man leaves.

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair, but realizes his life is a failure and begins to cry.

Fonzie: I’ve wasted my life!

Acting Coach: The Movie

Xtranormal is a website whose tag line is “If you can type, you can make movies.” Who’d have thought the only thing setting Steven Spielberg apart from you was Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing?

Their process is amazingly simple: you just write what you want to happen and then Xtranormal turns it into an animated movie that is as good as you might expect.

Here’s my first short, entitled “Acting Coach.” I hope you enjoy it.

Nighttime Chat With Bobo

Bobo: Hey, you in there?

Me: Yeah, why?

Bobo: The door’s closed and you’ve been in there for a while, so I was worried you were in danger. That’s why I stick my paws under your door, to keep you safe.

Me: I’m fine, I’m just working.

Bobo: That’s cool. Want me to come in? We could hang out for a while

Me: No. You’ll sit on my keyboard and attack the screen.

Bobo: One day I’m going to catch that arrow. I hate it prancing about the screen, clicking on whatever it wants.

Me: Right.

Bobo: How dare it not fear me, a ferocious kitten? I will catch it and bring it to your door as a present.

Me: I’m trying to work, Bobo.

Bobo: Work’s for jerks.

Me: I guess I could take a break…

Bobo: Oh hey, you’re leaving your room? Awesomeness, I bet you’re heading to the kitchen, let me show you the way.

Me: I’m not going to the kitchen.

Bobo: Of course not, but just incase you’ve forgotten where it is, let me show you.

Me: I’m going to read on the couch.

Bobo: Don’t fall asleep or I’ll suckle on you.

Me: It’s 3 AM, I don’t sleep at 3 AM.

Bobo: You’re right.

<time passes>

Bobo: Hey, you still reading?

Me: Yeah.

Bobo: Did I mention I know where the kitchen is?

Me: Once or twice…

Bobo: It’s awesome, let’s go there.

Me: Bobo, I’m reading.

Bobo: How about this. If you don’t come to the kitchen with me, I’ll start meowing a lot.

Me: Fine…

Bobo: See? Isn’t the kitchen awesome? Aren’t you glad you came with me?

Me: I don’t know. It looks the same as it always does.

Bobo: What are you talking about, the kitchen is great. Oh hey, what’s that over there? Why it’s my food bowl.

Me: Yep right where it was when I fed you a few hours ago.

Bobo: Look at it. It’s so sad, it probably wants food to keep it company.

Me: Bobo, it’s half full with the dinner you didn’t finish.

Bobo: Oh yeah, that. Right…I think the bowl wants different food.

Me: Different food?

Bobo: Yeah, something with more zest.

Me: Zest? Where’d you learn that word?

Bobo: My food bowl taught it to me.

Me: More zest, I’ll see what I can do.

Bobo: Awesome!

Me: Yep here’s the bowl on the counter where you can’t see it. I’m whipping up something extra zesty for you.

Bobo: I’m so excited by this that I just noticed something is attached to my butt, I’m going to chase it in giddy anticipation.

Me: Here’s your new zestier food.

Bobo: Awesome chow time!

Me: How is it?

Bobo: This is awesome, I love it I can’t get enough of it.

Me: Bobo it’s the same food, I just mixed it up.

Bobo: Oh my god, you’re right. I’m going to stop eating it now.

Me: But you just said it was awesome.

Bobo: Right yeah, that was the giddy anticipation. It clouded the judgement of my tastey budlits, so I thought this was zestier, but then I realized, “Hey where’s the zest? Not in this bowl, no it isn’t.”

Me: Even for a kitten, that’s shockingly nonsensical.

Bobo: Hey where you going?

Me: I’ve got more work to do

Bobo: Oh right, okay, cool. I guess I’ll see you later.

Me: I’ll see you later.

Bobo: Oh no, he disappeared. I better stick my paws under his door incase he’s in danger.

Minutes from a 2009 Board Meeting

Johnson: Thank you all for showing up. I know it wasn’t easy to make it in on such short notice, but we are in crisis mode here.

As the number one provider of novelty glasses for New Year’s Eve since 1999, we have made an ungodly fortune. Our clever design, with the zeros as eye holes, has outsold noisemakers, party hats, glow-sticks and streamers for 10 years. But while we frittered away the decade rolling naked in hundred dollar bills, a looming problem went unsolved.

Put simply, we are out of numbers that work with our glasses design. So unless anyone wants to give up their private jets, country club memberships or white slaves, we need a viable solution. Any ideas?

Rogers: Was this really worth calling me back from my winter house in Rio? 2010 still has two zeros in it. Can’t we just make that work?

Johnson: 2010 is a quick fix, but then what? Wait until 2020? Our business model can barely handle an 11 month 2 week lull in sales. How do you think we’d survive a decade?

Rogers: You’re right. I’m sorry.

Johnson: Good effort though. Let’s keep thinking, see what else we come up with.

Seilers: What if we put the numbers above the eyes?

Johnson: Above the eyes? You just described a headband, or even worse, a tiara, which would cut our target market in half.

Seilers: Why do we have to stick with glasses?

Johnson: In 1999, my father had a dream. A dream to sell novelty glasses where you could look out of the number holes. I will not let his dream die the same way he did, on January 1st 2009 from a heart attack in a cheap Vegas hotel room.

Minslow: Why don’t we write out the years in base 2? So instead of 2011, it’s 11111011011.

Johnson: I don’t think people would get that.

Minslow: What are you talking about? All my friends would understand it immediately.

Johnson: Who are you again?

Minslow: I program the website.

Johnson: Then what do you care? You’ll be able to find a job after this anyway. Common people, we’re brainstorming here. There are no bad ideas in brainstorms.

Ackerman: How about this. We sneak into everyon’s house and set their calendars back 10 years, that way we get to start all over again!

Johnson: You’re fired.

Ackerman: Fair enough…

Johnson: Anyone else? Any other ideas?

–silence–

Johnson: Ackerman, you’re hired again. We’re going with your idea.

12/21/09 Update:

I just turned this idea into a video.