Superman Reboot

I’m pretty excited that DC Comics followed all my advice with the Superman reboot.

Here’s what I pitched them:

Dear DC Comics,

I think it’s time to give Superman a new costume. In today’s fast paced world, the name of the game is REALISM, but for almost 80 years Superman has been flying around fighting crime in spandex. Spandex! If Superman belonged to the Justice League of Olympic Figure Skaters maybe spandex would make sense, but he fights for justice, not triple sow cows. Superman deserves an outfit as realistic as the premise that an alien from another planet would look exactly like a human and be able to fly and shoot laser beams from his eyeballs.

To start with, get rid of his unrealistic skin tight spandex and replace it with a realistic skin tight t-shirt. I realize this is a huge change, so you should still put a big S on his chest so that everyone knows he’s Superman. Let’s be sure to give him jeans so tight they don’t need belt loops, and put patches on the knees to show that he can mend clothing (I’m always looking for ways to make costumes reflect personality traits).

Now let’s talk shoes. To be honest I never understood Superman’s footwear. They always looked like part of his leggings, as if he was wearing adult pajamas with booties. Not very realistic. Normally I’d say he should just wear boots, but boots are ridged and Superman needs a lot of lateral ankle flexibility. Lets split the difference and give him high-top, light weight moccasins. If you’re not clear on what that would look like I’m including an image of an an over-stuffed sausage that I photoshopped shoelaces onto.

As for Superman’s build, I’ve always felt he should be more muscular. Specifically in his arms. I’d go so far as to say that you should just invent extra muscles that don’t exist in humans (he IS an alien after all) and put them all in his forearms. Let’s also make his left arm triceps way more developed than his right. I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s good to set up stuff like that early so that when you do finally explain why, there’s a bigger pay off. Maybe it’s that Superman is actually a lefty, but he taught himself to use his right hand so that no one would suspect right-handed Clark Kent was actually left-handed Superman (believe it or not, I actually JUST came up with that).

And now my final change. It’s a pretty big one, so maybe you should take a deep breath. Did you take one? No? Okay, well don’t say I didn’t warn you. Two words:

Tiny. Cape.

It’s the perfect compromise. Superman’s cape is iconic, but in the real world he’d always be getting tangled up in it, and it would double his laundry load, which would really add up if he used a laundry service that charged by the pound (as any busy city-dwelling Metropolanite would). A tiny cape solves those problems while still giving Superman a striking silhouette as it billows in the wind behind him. Unfortunately because Superman is so big and the cape is so small, in order to keep the cape visible from all angles you’ll have to attach it under his left armpit. I realize a tiny armpit cape is a little unorthodox, but it’s a small price to pay to preserve both his cape and a realistic costume.

Well that’s about it I think you’ll find these changes will be very successful in gaining some short term attention from the mainstream media before you inevitably return to his old costume, only to change it again in another few years to get some more press. You know, you haven’t killed Superman in almost 20 years. Just saying…

Frutti Rings

Bad news everybody. We blew our entire budget perfecting the Frutti Rings recipe and now can’t afford to hire an illustrator for the box. You all know me as an unrelenting perfectionist, ignoring deadlines and going millions of dollars over-budget to create the most delectable fruit-flavored cereal, but that changes right now. As much as it pains me to say this, we need to design our cereal box for zero dollars.

Can any of you draw? A room full of cereal executives and no one knows their way around a pencil? Unbelievable!

What’s that Rebecca? Your 5-year old son draws? Did he do the drawing in your office of that giant pigtailed cyclops and razor-toothed troll attacking a melting triangle? Oh, that’s supposed to be you and him outside your house. This is killing me, our delicious cereal deserves a professional illustrator, but as long as we don’t have to pay your son he sounds like our best option.

Here’s what I want him to draw. The box needs to capture the triumphant moment when a brightly colored tropical bird swoops down and grabs a delicious Frutti Ring with its claws. In the birds eyes we should see the joy our amazing cereal gives to anyone lucky enough to have it. Because some misguided people might see this as a Toucan Sam rip off, we need to put a twist on it so people know we’re our own original brand. To do that, please have your 5 year-old son give our bird a mohawk, a dangerously sharp beak and feet that look like half-opened pistachios. That should set our fantastic cereal apart and keep Kellogg’s from suing us.

Can your son get us a Photoshop file by Monday? Oh, he only works in crayon? That might be a problem, we don’t have the budget to scan in artwork. Tell you what, bring him in tomorrow and Craig the IT guy can teach him MS Paint.

I know guys, this is not an ideal situation, but we made a delicious cereal that we can all be proud of. Once people taste Frutti Rings I’m confident they’ll be so blown away they won’t care what the box looks like. Just remember, at Forrelli we are committed to providing customers with the highest quality product terrible packaging can hold. And that you can sell for one dollar. All our food must only cost a dollar.

Internet Crusoe

Cast away from technology, one man struggles to survive. Here’s the latest video from my team The Brig.

Internet Crusoe
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

I wrote and shot this one. Matt Mayer directed and edited it. Mackenzie Condon produced it. It stars Ben Rodgers and features Josh Patten and Dru Johnston.

America’s Next Homeless Star

I wrote this a day or two after the Ted Williams story broke. Unfortunately making it took a bit longer than I anticipated, so it’s not as relevant as I’d hoped.

Writen, directed and edited by me.
Produced by Zack Phillips
Music by Mark Phillips
Starring Zack Phillips, Jon Gutierrez, Amey Goerlich, Pat Baer and Amber Petty

If you’d like to hear Amber sing a bit more of Smash Mouth’s All Star, click here to download it.

Tweets to the Three People Who Recently Unfollowed Me

Last night, I discovered that three people unfollowed my Twitter account @AdamSacks. I did not take it well.

Who’s on Base 7?

Some people found my list of 2010′s 10 best numbers in base 7 to be a bit confusing. That was not my intention, so I made a video that will hopefully explain it better.

2010′s 10 Best in Base 7

Update: I made this into a video.

The days between Christmas and New Years are that special time when bloggers list 10 things they liked from the previous year to show off how smart they are. I am no different, so here are my 10 favorite numbers from 2010. And because my favorite number from 2010 was (spoiler alert) 7, I did my list of 10 in base 7. It wasn’t easy, there were a lot of great numbers in 2010, but not all of them could make it to the top 7, which is 10 in base 7.

10: 13, which is base 7 for 10. 10 is my base 7 10th favorite number.

6: 6, which is 6 in base 7 or 10.

5: 4 (still 4).

4: C, which is 12 in base 13. 13 was my favorite base in 2010, different from 7, which was my favorite number, although this list is in base 7. That’s also why I listed 13 is my 10th (i.e. 7th) favorite number, even though 13 is really 10, while 16 is my favorite base of 2010 (2010 is BB8 in base 13) in base 7.

3: 15 in base 7. Now I know what you’re thinking, “That’s crazy, because 15 in base 7 is the same as C in base 13!” Good observation, but I see subtle distinctions and while I like 12, I slightly prefer it as C in base 13, certainly more than than base 7′s 15.

2: 1, because it’s straight forward in any base, and I appreciate that.

1: 7. Which doesn’t exist in base 7. 7 in base 7 is 10, but 10 base 7 is not my favorite number. It’s actually my base 10 7th favorite base 7 number. If you’re confused right now, just remember this was a list of my favorite numbers told in base 7, not a list of my favorite base 7 numbers.

If you’re interested, here is the list of my 10 favorite base 7 numbers.

10: 13

9: 12

8: 11

7: 10

6: 6

5: 5

4: 4

3: 3

2: 2

1: 22, although 22 in base 7 is 13 in base 13, which I HATE because that’s confusing, even though 13 is my 10th favorite number (in base 10 or 13, but 13th favorite in base 7) in base 7.

Of course, these are just my opinions and you know what they say about opinions and thumbs (“Who’s got 10 base 2 thumbs and has an opinion? This guy!”). Feel free to let me know in the comments section what your favorite numbers were in 2010.

TSA: Newly Banned Items

Here’s the latest from my UCB Comedy team The Brig.

TSA: Newly Banned Items
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

We came up with the idea as a group and I wrote it. I directed it, Shamikah Christina Martinez shot it, and Nathan Russell edited it. It stars D’Arcy Carden and Connor Ratliff.

Heaven: FAQ

Congratulations! You are reading this because you died, and I, God, judged you worthy of Heaven. You probably have a lot of questions, but I’m awfully busy and don’t have time to answer them in person. This document should answer your main concerns.

Q: Am I in Heaven?

A: Not yet. To enter Heaven, you must read this document and agree to its terms.

Q: What is Heaven?

A: Pure and constant happiness for all eternity.

Q: Will I be reunited with my loved ones?

A: Heaven is total happiness, and your loved ones, no matter how wonderful, would occasionally disappoint, annoy, anger or otherwise cause you suffering. Heaven has a zero tolerance policy for such emotions, thus you will not be reunited.

Q: Can you make it so my loved ones never cause me suffering?

A: I could, but that would mean changing their identities to make you
happy, which is hardly fair to them.

Q: In Heaven, will I get answers to the questions I always wondered about? Did the-one-who-got-away still think about me? Did I miss my true calling in life? Did aliens land in Roswell, New Mexico?

A: All answers lead to more questions, and spending eternity questioning your life would spiral into self-doubt, regret and depression.

Q: In Heaven, do I get the material possessions I always wanted but could not afford?

A: To eliminate jealousy, there are no personal belongings in Heaven.

Q: Why can’t everyone have the same possessions?

A: Forced equality makes people as unhappy as natural inequality. That’s why I had to cancel Happyball.

Q: What is Happyball?

A: It’s a sport I invented similar to baseball except everyone is good at it and on the same team.

Q: That sounds terrible.

A: It lasted only half an inning. People got bored after the 35th consecutive home run.

Q: Will I get to hear Beethoven himself play piano?

A: No. Also, Shakespeare won’t write you a sonnet, Picasso won’t paint you a portrait, and Einstein won’t teach you General Relativity. It’s unfair for geniuses to be expected to ply their crafts like party tricks for eternity. Also, Picasso’s portrait would make you angry.

Q: What do we eat in Heaven?

A: Obviously, Heaven could have only the finest and most delicious foods imaginable. Unfortunately, by eating them every day, you would quickly become accustom to and disappointed by them. That is why there is no food in Heaven.

Q: So what is Heaven?

A: Pure and constant happiness for all eternity.

Q: Why will I be happy in Heaven?

A: Because you’ll play the harp.

Q: But I don’t know how to play the harp.

A: It wouldn’t matter if you did. Before entering Heaven, I strip your brain down to just the part of its dopamine pathway that is activated by plucking harp strings. It’s a very time-consuming operation that only I can perform, which is why I can’t intervene in affairs on Earth.

Q: But that means losing my entire identity. How could God, an omnipotent being, create such an awful Heaven?

A: Never in your life did you experience sustained joy without any suffering. Surely you realized something fundamental would have to change for Heaven to be eternal happiness.

Q: I thought once the bad people were gone, everyone would get along.

A: Two good people can still bother each other. Here’s the problem: I created you in my image, but there’s only one of me and I didn’t realize that a bunch of mes wouldn’t always get along.

Q: Heaven sounds terrible. Can I go somewhere else?

A: If you want, I can send you to Hell.

Q: What is Hell like?

A: Hell is going to Heaven but keeping your brain.

Q: So my options are to lose my entire sense of self but experience pure unending joy, or to keep my identity but be surrounded by brain-dead harp pluckers?

A: Correct. Please make your decision and sign at the bottom. Also, if it makes you feel better, aliens did crash land in Roswell. All three died on impact and are in Heaven playing the harp.

Ways To Understand Units of Measurement

Hello readers. Recently I decided I should try to get things I write in places other than just this blog, because not all that many people actually come here.

My first attempt was a success. McSweeney’s put up my piece Ways To Understand Units of Measurement. Go read it.

And for those who felt I sold out, here’s a bonus you’ll only get on this website. I messed up one of the measurements, the one about an hour of work is supposed to read 7x not 1/7th, and I’m afraid to ask them to change it.