Acronyms Can Really Obviously Negate Your Motive

Chris French enters his apartment and is startled to find his friends Albert Dutch, Beth English and David Dijibouti waiting for him.

Albert: Chris, we need to talk.

Beth: This is an intervention.

David: It’s about your store’s name.

Chris: Chris French Cleaners?  What’s wrong with that?

Albert: Don’t you see?

Chris
French
Cleaners

CFC!

Beth: That stands for chlorofluorocarbons.

David: Chloroflurocarbons created the hole in our ozone layer.

Albert: You’ve named your dry cleaning store after a dangerous pollutant!

Beth: It’s too ironic!  It will ruin your business.

Chris: Relax, it’s been that way since 1959.  I’ll be fine.

Albert: That’s what I thought about my failed condom business.

Albert’s
Infectious
Defense
System.

AIDS!

Beth: Yes, and my now-defunct infant furniture store.

Beth’s
Antique
Bassinets.
Yellowing
Merchandise
Unwaveringly
Reliable
Despite
Evident
Repairs.

BABY MURDER!

David: And my out-of-print peaceful New Age philosophy book!

David’s
Altruistic
Theology
Encompassing
Religion
And
Practical
Ethics.
Developed
Reverently
Unto
God’s
Service.

DATE RAPE DRUGS!

Chris: But you guys worked so hard creating ironic acronyms that you were clearly more interested in being clever than being successful.

Anthony: Oh, good point.

Beth: Yeah, I never even cared about babies.

David: Now I regret changing my name from Hank.

Salmon Doubts Profit

Quit stealing from me, Internet!

Six years ago my graphic novel Salmon Doubts was published by Alternative Comics.

For over a year I shed blood, sweat and tears making this comic, and yet it made me less than 400 bucks.  Financially, I would have done better moving to Indonesia and working at a sweatshop.  For a long time I chocked up my failure (it’s currently ranked 1,736,726th in sales by Amazon) to the fact I was an unknown, independent comics don’t sell well, and a story about a bunch of fish that all look the same is like giving the middle finger to commercial viability.

Turns out, it’s actually the Internet’s fault, not mine.  Someone scanned my comic and put it online for anyone to download and read provided they know how to unpack RAR files and also install Comical, a comic book reader available for Linux, Mac OS X and Windows.  What’s worse, whoever stole my work really did a stellar job, it looks fantastic, which is why you never bothered to buy it! All you free loaders were stealing my hard work and reading it, not caring that you were take food from the mouths of my non-existent children.  How can you live with yourself?  Stealing and reading my work is a crime!  Steal it.  Read it.

It’s not all bad though.  This finally gives me a way to monetize Salmon Doubts.  Lawsuits!

Last year a Minnesota woman was fined 1.9 million dollars for illegally downloading 24 songs.  That comes out to almost 80,000 dollars per song.  My graphic novel Salmon Doubts has 128 pages, which at 80,000 dollars per page means anyone who downloads and reads my comic owes me 10.25 million dollars.  Certainly, a fair price for one year of my work.

I beg you, please download and read Salmon Doubts.  Just make sure you get caught (and have 10.25 million dollars) so I can finally quit my day job.

And so close to Christmas

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan Denderson: Merry Christmas everyone, I’m Dan Denderson.

Robin Rochelle: And I’m Robin Rochelle.  Our top story tonight: Tragedy strikes as a house in Edison collapses, severely injuring a mother, father and two children.  A sad story, all the sadder because it happened on Christmas.

Dan: You hate to hear about something like this on Christmas, Robin.

Robin: It is especially tough this time of year, Dan.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: We begin tonight with a sad story.  A local ASPCA kennel burned down, killing almost fifty adorable puppies.  And to think, just two days after Christmas.

Robin: Such a shame, so close to the holidays.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Shocking news tonight.  An entire little league baseball team dead, crushed to death by a meteorite, a mere 24 days after Christmas.

Dan: The timing must make it extra hard on the families.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Tonight, horror on the highway.  A special needs school bus overturned on Route 84, killing everyone on board.  And just 4 days, 7 weeks after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Tonight, the unthinkable as a heard of rabid cows trampled to death the majority of residents in Essex County, just 132 days after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Sad news tonight.  James Spader, star of such movies and TV as Secretary and Boston Legal, died tonight of spontaneous combustion.  His death, all the more tragic as today is Secretary’s Day.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Heartbreak tonight, as the local Mattapan Rose Day Parade ended early when an elderly float driver lost control of his vehicle, killing 47 bystanders.  Residents can at least take some small comfort in the fact that today, June 25th, is as far from Christmas as possible.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Lots of unanswered questions tonight as 84 members of the Solomon’s Pillar cult died today in an apparent mass suicide.  Authorities are still investigating how such a thing could happen with Christmas just 3 months, 1 week and 6 days away.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: This Thanksgiving, there’s not a lot for one family to be thankful for as a 16 year old boy shot and killed his entire extended family a mere 35 days before they could all meet again for Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: And finally tonight, a real life Scrooge stole all the presents donated to the Montclair Elementary School toy drive, just three days before Christmas.

Robin: How could someone do that, Dan?  At this time of year?

Dan: Around Christmas.  Hard to believe, Robin.

Robin: Now, of all times, Dan.

Dan: This time of year, it really is so sad.

Robin: It really is the worst time of year to ruin Christmas.

2009 in numbers

You know how sometimes you try to be smart and read Harper’s magazine but then just flip to the back and check out the Harper’s Index?  Yeah, me neither.  Anyone who does that is a real jerk.  But worse still would be ripping off that idea and claiming it’s different because in your format the number comes first.

2 – My goal for number of original posts per week I would write for AdamThinks.com in 2009.

122 – Number of posts I wrote this year.

1.85 – Average number of weekly posts, discounting material I had previously created, lazy posts of a single photo, and easy Google search lists.

46,305 – Number of AdamThinks page loads from before August 21th 2009.

197,893 – Number of AdamThinks page loads since I posted my iPhone commercial parody on August 21st.

10329.50 – Estimated worth in US dollars of AdamThinks by Website Outlook.

111.39 – Actual amount in US dollars made selling stuff on AdamThinks.

94.3 – Percentage of dollars earned that came from this shirt.

58 – Number of people who thought I should only wear boxers as a Halloween costume.

1 – Number of times AdamThinks was linked to by The New York Times.

1 – Number of times AdamThinks was linked to by a beer pong website.

0 – Some people’s ability to understand satire.

581 – Number of Twitter followers I gained this year.

984 – Number of Twitter followers I still trail Congressman George Radanovich in my campaign to beat him at Twitter.

1 – Number of times Shaquille O’Neal indirectly tweeted me when I tried to help him.

2 – Number of posts that reference the NBC sitcom Mad About You.

8 – Number of posts that reference US President Barack Obama.

10000000 – Amount I wish this was about my website.

Even More Google Searches

Here are some more interesting Google searches that brought people to my site, and how high Google ranks me in each search.

• 1st collectors plate stupid

• 1st was kathy bates ever attractive?

• 2nd dane cook acting out romeo and juliet

• 2nd find house wife in woodbridge

• 2nd I want to buy a chinook helicopter

• 4th can infertile couples get married in the catholic church

• 4th Is killing unicorns illegal

• 6th 3 character traits for Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code

• 6th why can’t people cut off elephants tusks in there sleep

• 8th how to make friends like on the tv show

• 9th illegal immigrants acting in movies

• 13th how write a letter to steven spielberg

• 13th benjamin franklin baby photo

• 15th how to take attractive pictures of yourself

• 36th when you take a picture of yourself how do you edit it so it looks like your meeting someone famous?

And my absolute favorite search (but it should be ranked higher)

• 5th adam sacks is great i love him!!!!!!!

Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first.  That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves.  Were there get pigs in a blanket?  How about chicken satay?  I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it.  Does he wear Old Spice?  Is he a Power Stick man?  Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews.  Forget those fluff pieces!  Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book.  That’s NEWS, baby!  New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story?  Well, how did they get past the Secret Service?  Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that?  Really?  Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner.  Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead.  We’re looking to the future, to movies.  Specifically sex tapes.  And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!  And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really?  They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape!  Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House.  That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal?  Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball.  I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What?  You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer.  Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

Lazy Halloween Costumes

I realize I’m in the minority here, but I don’t care about Halloween.  I’ve got enough stuff going on, I don’t feel like coming up with a costume that I’ll wear once and have destroyed in a crowded party.  But no one likes spoilsport, so here are a few ideas I mocked up.  Please let me know which costume you think I should go with.

There’s the more traditional route.

Or something more conceptual.

Maybe something a bit more highbrow?

There’s always the meta option

Or the old standby

You’ve seen the candidates, now it’s time to vote.

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More Google Searches

The weird Google searches that lead people to my website continue.  Here’s a bunch, all from the last month, in order of their Google ranking.

gorillas dancing to the electric slide – 1st!!!

botticelli paint aliens – 1st

how mcdonalds advertising give you a warm fuzzy feeling – 1st

what is a good thesis for a paper on battle star galactica – 2nd

why honor wolf blitzer – 2nd

A POOR BOY HELPING A BLIND MAN WITH ONLY A PHOTO – 2nd

statue of old man with skull and wild animal – 2nd

im writing a letter to mountain dew so what do i use for there address – 3rd

french sissies – 4th

pituitary gland dan brown – 4th

what you can smell in russia – 5th

are guys ugly? – 5th

former news anchor on fox, blonde, chubby -6th

Angela Merkel NAKED PICTURE – 6th

Here’s what Angela Merkel looks like clothed.

what’s worse than a hobbit – 8th

i’m tired of the government stealing my money – 8th

girls who date frat boys will regret it later – 9th

letter why I want to be editor in chief – 9th

“juice box” onan -9th.  Creepy considering Onan is the biblical figure who God killed because he “spilled his seed.”

alien unicorns – 10th

rearranging den for mother – 15th

is God okay with soap operas – 15th

will a gorilla rape a person? – 19th

Yes, all of these were within a 30 day period.  If this keeps up, I’ll have to make Google searches a monthly post.

Catholic Church Woos Anglicans

For those who don’t know, the Catholic Church recently changed their rules, making it easier for Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, but still keep many of their religious traditions.

Here is a transcript of the debate within the Catholic Church that led to this decision.

…

Pope Benedict XVI: I have solved the Catholic church’s greatest problem!

Camerlengo Tarcisio Bertone: World poverty?

Pope: No.  How to get more converts to Catholicism.

Camerlengo: That’s good too.  What’s your plan?

Pope: Well, a lot of Anglicans don’t like that their church allows gay clergy, so I’m thinking we woo them to become Catholic.

Camerlengo: Excellent idea, your Excellency!  We shall convince them to join us, the true Church of Christ and forsake their heretical Anglican liturgy and shameful practice of allowing priests to get married.

Pope: No.  I’m thinking we’ll let them keep all that, but we’ll just count them as Catholic.

Camerlengo: But isn’t it our rules and traditions that make us Catholic?

Pope: Nah.  What really makes us Catholic is our disdain for the gays.  Many Anglicans also dislike gay people and we need more converts, so what’s the harm in letting them join us while also ignoring our two thousand years of tradition.

Camerlengo: I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense…

Pope: And I’m not stopping there.  Most Orthodox Jews also disapprove of gay people, so I’m going to start counting them as Catholics as well.

Camerlengo: But they don’t even accept Jesus Christ as the son of God!

Pope: Stop worrying about details!  What really matters is that they hate gays.   We also need to canonize some new saints to highlight the importance of homophobia in Catholicism.

Camerlengo: Do you have someone in mind?

Pope: Eminem.  Listen to these lyrics of his, “My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge. And I’ll stab you in the head, whether you’re a fag or les. A homosex, hermaph, or a transeves. Homophobic? Hey fags, the answer’s yes.”  Beautiful stuff.  I wonder if we can add that to Corinthians somewhere.

Camerlengo: Your Excellency, don’t you think this is a little extreme?

Pope: We must do something to draw more sheep into our flock.

Camerlengo: If we’re looking to expand, wouldn’t it make more sense to open our doors to the gay community?  Didn’t Jesus preach about love?

Pope: But gay couple can’t have babies.  That’s a sin against God.

Camerlengo: Neither can an infertile couple.  Should we discriminate against all infertile people?

Pope: Of course not.  Infertile people aren’t gross like the gays.

Camerlengo: Ugly people are pretty gross.  Should we discriminate against ugly people?

Pope: No, because ugly people can still have babies.

Camerlengo: So we should discriminate against gays and ugly, infertile people?

Pope: That might work.

Camerlengo: Have you looked in the mirror lately?  You look like a Mogwai that’s eaten after midnight.

Pope: Need I remind you how infallible I am?

Greta Van Susteren

Here’s an ad I saw in the subway for Greta Van Susteren’s TV show.

Bold. Powerful. Persistent.  I could not agree more.  No one is more bold in persistently asking the powerful dumb questions.