Cookie Diet

Johnson: So our market research shows that people want to lose weight, and that people like to eat cookies. How can we exploit this?

Winford: Let’s make low-fat cookies for people on diets.

Johnson: Snackwells already does that. Let’s think big.

Siegal: How about cookies that make you lose weight?

Johnson: That’s crazy. Sell me on it.

Siegal: We’ll call it Cookie Diet. It’ll just be a box of cookies, but on the front we’ll put a picture of my uncle in a white coat to imply that it’s medically proven to make you lose weight.

Johnson: I love it. But what happens when people realize the cookies don’t work?

Siegal: That’s easy, we just charge an outrageous amount of money, that way we only need to sell one box per person.

Johnson: Yeah, something ridiculously expensive, like 30 bucks a box.

Winford: Actually according to our projections, we’d need to charge 60 dollars a box to make it profitable.

Siegal: 60 dollars?!? Maybe this won’t work.

Johnson: No, it’s perfect! The price point will instill consumer confidence because no company with a shred of decency would charge such an exorbitant amount for diet cookies that don’t work.

2009 in numbers

You know how sometimes you try to be smart and read Harper’s magazine but then just flip to the back and check out the Harper’s Index? Yeah, me neither. Anyone who does that is a real jerk. But worse still would be ripping off that idea and claiming it’s different because in your format the number comes first.

2 – My goal for number of original posts per week I would write for AdamThinks.com in 2009.

122 – Number of posts I wrote this year.

1.85 – Average number of weekly posts, discounting material I had previously created, lazy posts of a single photo, and easy Google search lists.

46,305 – Number of AdamThinks page loads from before August 21th 2009.

197,893 – Number of AdamThinks page loads since I posted my iPhone commercial parody on August 21st.

10329.50 – Estimated worth in US dollars of AdamThinks by Website Outlook.

111.39 – Actual amount in US dollars made selling stuff on AdamThinks.

94.3 – Percentage of dollars earned that came from this shirt.

58 – Number of people who thought I should only wear boxers as a Halloween costume.

1 – Number of times AdamThinks was linked to by The New York Times.

1 – Number of times AdamThinks was linked to by a beer pong website.

0 – Some people’s ability to understand satire.

581 – Number of Twitter followers I gained this year.

984 – Number of Twitter followers I still trail Congressman George Radanovich in my campaign to beat him at Twitter.

1 – Number of times Shaquille O’Neal indirectly tweeted me when I tried to help him.

2 – Number of posts that reference the NBC sitcom Mad About You.

8 – Number of posts that reference US President Barack Obama.

10000000 – Amount I wish this was about my website.

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First Time Here?

Basically, I try to write things that are funny. Here are some of my favorite posts.

		Wet Paint Anagrams There’s a lot you can spell with 8 letters.
		Helping “Master” Photographers Old photos could be a lot better with Photoshop.
		The Real World: United Nations The true story of 192 countries, picked to live in one house.
		My New Tax Plan: A Modest Proposal The only truly patriotic tax plan
		TV Tag Lines Truthful tag lines for TV shows.
		Wild Animals: A Survival Guide Great advice on how to handle various wild animals.
		An Open Letter To Professor Death Skull Inc. Employees Villainry ain’t easy. Or cheap.
		Suspicious Subway Sights When you’re underground, trust nobody.
		God’s Deadline Yom Kipur is tough on everyone. Even God.
		John Roland: Compensated Spokesperson Is there anything this man can’t sell?
		Hobbits Are Real A great amusement park idea.
		Berenstain Bears Gone Wild These ain’t your childhood’s Berenstain Bears.
		Hostile Takeover of Ann Sacks Includes the greatest photo of me ever taken.
		Star Trek: The New Star Wars A brief analysis of Star Wars and Star Trek.