Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first. That’s NEWS, baby! Ratings GOLD!

Really? You want more than that? Did I mention this is ratings GOLD? I did? Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves. Were there get pigs in a blanket? How about chicken satay? I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby! Ratings GOLD!

Really? You want more than that? Did I mention this is ratings GOLD? I did? Okay, just checking.

How about this? They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it. Does he wear Old Spice? Is he a Power Stick man? Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby! Ratings GOLD!

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews. Forget those fluff pieces! Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book. That’s NEWS, baby! New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story? Well, how did they get past the Secret Service? Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that? Really? Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD? I did? Okay, just checking.

How about this? The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner. Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead. We’re looking to the future, to movies. Specifically sex tapes. And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars. That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate? That’s movie MAGIC, baby! And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really? They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape! Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House. That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman? That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal? Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action? That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball. I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals. That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What? You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer. Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

Greta Van Susteren

Here’s an ad I saw in the subway for Greta Van Susteren’s TV show.

Bold. Powerful. Persistent. I could not agree more. No one is more bold in persistently asking the powerful dumb questions.

Advice: How to Make Friends

When you become a hugely famous and respected intellectual, such as myself, people e-mail you with questions all the time. Usually I don’t respond because I want to appear aloof and distant even though I secretly love the attention, but there is one question that comes up so much I feel moved to respond.

I just moved to a new town and don’t know anyone. How can I make friends?

Great question people who really exist and e-mailed me this question that I didn’t make up as an excuse for the rest of this post.

First off, if you’re a really good cook, I’d suggest taking a cooking class so you can show off, look really cool, and make everyone want to hang out with you to learn your red wine reduction sauce secret.

Also, the Strictly Platonic section of Craigslistis is full of people just looking for friends and who aren’t too embarrassed to admit what they really want. Check out this guy, for example.

Wow. He obviously wants non-romantic female friends. Which brings me to my third suggestion: e-mail strangers cute love stories. Nothing says “I’m a well balanced individual seeking new friends” like sharing fantasies where your insecurities are overcome by plot contrivances.

But without a doubt, the number one best way to make new friends is to get on a reality television show. Why? Because every show has a loudmouth brassy cast member who truly cares about everyone else and aggressively wants to make friends. Don’t believe me? Watch this unedited video.

Well, I think I answered that question pretty thoroughly. If you’ve got a question that needs the type of quality answer only I can provide, feel free to e-mail me.

The Real World: United Nations

This is the true story of 192 countries picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped and translated. Find out what happens when countries stop being polite and start getting real.

Get desktop wallpaper version here

Iraq’s room

Iraq: America, get out already!

America: I was just helping you hang some curtains.

Iraq: They’re up. They’re a little crooked, but they’re up. And hopefully better than those old Venetian blinds you tore down. But whatever, you need to get out. Also, can I borrow 100 bucks?

America: I thought you were getting a job at the gas station.

Iraq: That’s not working out as well as we hoped. Give me some money.

…

The living room

China: What’s up, America? Want to watch Julie & Julia? I got it on DVD. The picture’s a little shaky, but you can still tell what’s going on.

America: Maybe later. But hey, while I’m here, Iraq needs 100 bucks, so can I borrow 200 hundred bucks?

China: Okay, but you have to promise to not get mad when I leave my trash everywhere, torture my house guests and switch your toothpaste with lead.

America: Deal.

…

The kitchen

Israel: You put your finger in my peanut butter, Palestine.

Palestine: You stole my peanut butter.

Israel: No, I was given your peanut butter. You can’t just put your finger in it.

Palestine: I can do whatever I want with MY peanut butter.

Palestine’s cousin kicks Israel in the shins.

Israel: Damnit Palestine!

Palestine: Hey that was my cousin, not me.

Palestine winks at his cousin.

Israel punches Palestine in the face.

Palestine’s cousin give’s Israel a dead-leg.

Israel puts Palestine in a headlock.

America: Hey guys, knock it off!

Israel and Palestine: NO!

Palestine’s cousin kicks America in the crotch.

America: Sonofa!

America farts on Palestine.

Palestine: See? You always take his side!

…

The front door

Italy: Ahh, you’ve come at last, my darling.

Young Hot Babe: Tee hee.

France: Hey Italy. You have to stop inviting all these strange girls over.

Young Hot Babe: Giggle, giggle.

Italy: I can do what I want!

France: Yeah, but there’s just so many of them and we don’t know who they are. What if they try to steal something? Show a little restraint.

Italy: You are just jealous.

France: I’ve got a supermodel wife.

Italy: Touché

France: Also, put on some pants. You’re embarrassing yourself.

…

House meeting

Afghanistan: Why was I brought to this meeting?

America: You’ve got to start cleaning your bathroom.

Afghanistan: I resent the implication! My bathroom is spotless.

England: Everyone can smell it. The whole house reeks.

Afghanistan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

America: Look, Afghanistan, I’ll come in and help you clean up.

Russia: Oooh, America. Ix-nay on the elp-hay.

America: Why? What’s wrong.

Russia: I once tried getting in there and couldn’t handle it.

America: That was a long time ago. I’m sure it’ll be different with me.

Russia: Your funeral.

…

Outside Iran’s door

America: Hey, Iran, we need to talk.

Iran pokes his head out

Iran: What do you want?

England: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: Look, we know you’re making a meth lab in there.

Iran: No I’m not. That’s ridiculous.

America: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: If you don’t let us in in the next month or so, there will be terrible consequences.

Iran: You’ll kick me out of the house?

England: Worse. We’ll make you pay a larger share of the utilities.

Iran: What? That’s crazy. China, you’re okay with this?

China: It’s nothing personal.

Iran: Typical. And Russia, you too? What about bros before G.I. Joes?

Russia: Oh man, Iran. Don’t be like that. You know you’re my brother from another mother, but seriously, you could blow up the house.

Iran: Whatever. North Korea’s got tons of crazy stuff in his room.

North Korea: (heard muffled through his door) Yeah! Say hello to my little friend! Kill ‘em all, Pacino

America: Right, but he just holes up in his room and watches movies.

…

House hallway

Libya: (ranting to self) Swine flu was invented by the American Coast Guard to kill Martin Luther King Jr! I want a sandwich. The Vatican is responsible for 9/11. A roast beef sandwich! Arabs and Jews play naked Twister with each other. Lettuce and tomato, hold the mayo.

Germany: Can’t we force Libya into a nursing home or something? He’s obviously lost it.

Italy: I’m afraid not. He lives in a tent in our backyard. That’s out of our jurisdiction.

Libya: I said hold the mayo! Africa vetoes this sandwich.

…

House meeting

Turkey: I just want to say again, I didn’t drink the Armenian coffee, and that it was a long time ago, but that most importantly I deny drinking it.

America: Hey Turkey, relax, no need to bring it up. No one is saying you killed the pot of Armenian coffee.

France: Actually, I think he did.

Russia: Me too.

Italy: He totally finished it off.

America: Look, the important thing is we move past whatever Turkey did or did not do so we can play his Xbox 360.

Germany: This is bull! I’m not always included in house meetings because of that time I ate all the bagels, but you’re willing to let Turkey off the hook?

Mad Men Season 3 Spoilers

Most TV journalists have been thwarted in their efforts to discover anything about the upcoming season of Mad Men. But I’m much better than those hacks. Here are some totally true, no lie, money back guaranteed accurate storylines for season three of Mad Men.

Responding to growing criticism about Mad Man not tackling the race problems of 1960′s America, Bill Cosby guest stars for three episodes as Sterling Cooper’s new copywriter.

Joan Holloway is fired by Roger Sterling after she gets fat.

Seeking to add stronger female characters into the show, Paris Hilton guest stars as Susan Sontag.

Peggy’s secret child becomes a bigger problem when he develops an overactive pituitary gland at age 7.

And finally Jude Law guest stars as a British advertising man who works fewer hours, makes more money, puts in less effort to sleep with more women, and hides an even more secretive and less likely back story than Don Draper.

For more storyline you’ll just have to wait until the Mad Men season premier on August 16th. And a big thanks to the Mad Men Yourself website which I used to create these images.

Fonzie: The Later Years

Many years after the events depicted in Happy Days, Arthur Fonzarelli realized he wanted more out of life and enrolled at the Community College of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Only taking classes taught by female professors, he graduated in a record one and a half semesters, summa cum laude with a doctorate in psychology. He opened a private practice shortly thereafter.

Bellow are the minutes from a few of Dr. Fonzarelli’s patients.

Patient 1

A knock at the door

Teenage Boy: Excuse me, is this Doctor Fonzarelli’s office?

Fonzie: Aaaayyy, what else it look like to you?

Boy: A converted garage attic.

Fonzie: Aaaay, it works, don’t it?

Boy: I guess…

Fonzie: Yeah right kid. You guess, but I know. Take a seat on the couch because the doctor is IN! (gives thumbs up)

Boy: Is that one of your white undershirts on the couch? Do you also live here?

Fonzie: Aaaay, we’re here to talk about you. What’s your problem kid?

Boy: Well…I’m having problems fitting in at school.

Fonzie: I believe it. Go on.

Boy: You see, I get picked on a lot. No one wants to be my friend.

Fonzie: You know what you’re problem is kid? You ain’t cool. Why don’t you start combing your hair like James Dean.

Boy: James who?

Fonzie: What are you, joking? James Dean is the coolest guy around.

Boy: Kids in my school like Jay-Z

Fonzie: Never heard of him. Also, when you stand, have a wide stance and stick your thumbs in your pockets like this.

Boy: That just looks weird.

Fonzie: Oh yeah and most important: wear a leather jacket.

Boy: No one in my school wears leather. We were taught that leather cruel to animals.

Fonzie: Aaaay, do you want to be as cool as me or not?

Boy: Wait, you think you’re cool?

Fonzie: Correctamundo! (gives thumbs up)

Boy begins laughing uncontrollably.

Fonzie: Quit laughing, kid. I am cool. Ask any of the kids down at Arnold’s Diner.

Boy: (still laughing) That place closed down before I was born. When’s the last time you’ve been out?

Fonzie: Maybe you should leave before I do something you regret.

The boy, still laughing, leaves.

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair but realizes he doesn’t have to

Fonzie: Aaaayyy!

Patient 2

Fonzie: Ayyy, so what’s a pretty little thing like you so sad about?

Woman: I feel like no one takes me seriously, because I’m a woman. My boss always talks down to me. My boyfriend never listens to what I have to say. It’s awful.

Fonzie: There, there sweet thing, let the Fonz make you feel all better.

Woman: What are you doing? Get away from me!

Fonzie: Playing hard to get? I can dig it. (gives thumbs up)

Woman: Get your hands off me right now.

Fonzie: What do you say you and I go to Inspiration Point so we can take this session to the next level? Ayyyy! (gives thumbs up)

Woman: You really don’t get it? This is exactly the type of behavior I’m talking about!

Fonzie: Ayyy! You said your boyfriend was from pitsville, so I was gonna give you the ol’ Fonzie experience. Show you you’ve still got it.

Woman: You’re a pig! And you’re probably as old as my grandfather. You’re lucky I don’t report you.

She leaves.

Fonzie: Aaay, your grandpops wishes he looked as good as me!

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair but realizes he doesn’t have to

Fonzie: Aaaayyy!

Patient 3

Man: My father used to terrorize me growing up, meting out harsh beatings for the tiniest things, like spilling a glass of water.

Fonzie: Aaay, I hear you. I hardly knew my Pops.

Man: You’re lucky. Because of my father’s beatings, I’m terrified of everything. He broke me, my Dad emotionally broke me, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Fonzie: Aaay, no problem. I got just the ticket.

Fonzie hits the man.

Man: Oww! Why are you hitting me?

Fonzie: It’s the Fonzie touch. You fixed yet?

Man: No, of course not.

Fonzie: Okay, tough case I guess. Let me try again.

Fonzie hits the man harder.

Man: OUCH! That really hurt.

Fonzie: But you’re all better now, right? Not all sad about your pops?

Man: (beginning to cry) No! It’s just bringing it all back.

Fonzie: All right, one last try. This one’s for all the marbles.

Fonzie hits the man even harder.

Man: (sobbing uncontrollably) NO! PLEASE STOP! Oh God, why are you beating me?

Fonzie: I don’t know what’s wrong. This always works on jukeboxes.

Man: (still crying) I’m not a jukebox!

Fonzie: Aaay, you got that right. You’re a real drag. Look at you crying all over the place. It’s embarrassing.

Man: You are awful! I’m leaving and not paying for the session.

The man leaves.

Fonzie looks at himself in the mirror, goes to comb his hair, but realizes his life is a failure and begins to cry.

Fonzie: I’ve wasted my life!

Star Trek: The New Star Wars

My thesis, in video form.

My defense of said (seen?) thesis in written, Photoshopped and T-shirted form.

The age old battle between Star Wars and Star Trek is over. Star Wars won. And it won by convincing the latest Star Trek movie to join the Force.

Old Star Trek was about exploration, moral dilemmas and social criticism by way of ridiculous alien races.

New Star Trek is about sword fights on platforms hanging thousands of feet above the ground.

In other words, it’s Star Wars.

But looked at another way, Star Trek is the real winner because Star Trek is a whole lot better at being Star Wars than Star Wars ever was. Star Wars’s greatest strength is exciting the imaginations of ten-year-olds who then go on to imagine Star Wars being better than it actually is. For example, consider Boba Fett.

In the original trilogy, Boba Fett was a minor character with no personality who dies by basically losing his balance. That’s not very cool. But because Boba Fett was such a blank slate, fans projected something cool onto him and now they think his costume is so cool that no one will notice their gut.

When writing about Star Wars, one is contractually obligated to make at least one fat joke, even if it's a reach.

Next, let’s consider Kirk in the latest Star Trek. He’s brash, he breaks rules, he’s good looking and he gets what he wants. To put it another way, Kirk is everything fans want Han Solo to be.

And this Kirk wouldn’t shoot second. He wouldn’t even shoot first. He’d just sleep with Greedo’s mom.

So Star Wars fans win by getting the new Star Trek. But Star Trek fans, who appreciated all the tough moral choices and political ideals of Star Trek, still do okay because they have the new Battlestar Galactica series. Which means the only real losers here are fans of the original Battlestar Galactica.

But that’s okay, they were losers to begin with.

Trek is the new Wars
Printfection
$25

Thank You Susan Boyle

Susan Boyle’s appearance on Britain’s Got Talent made me question reality, more so than The Matrix even.

Apparently, someone bad at looking attractive can be good at something unrelated. What an Earth shattering revelation. How did it take me 28 years to learn this?

Sure, before Susan Boyle there was that Ugly Duckling fable, but fables use animals to represent people and that’s just confusing. Also, the titular ugly duckling is actually a swan, whereas an ugly person can resemble a wild animal but rarely belongs to a different species.

Also, there was the 1999 motion picture She’s All That, in which Freddie Prince Jr. befriends a bespectacled Rachael Leigh Cook (on a bet, of course), but then begins to fall deeply in like with her EVEN THOUGH SHE WEARS GLASSES! Sadly, halfway through She’s All That the life lesson is averted when the message switches from “people with glasses are worthwhile,” to “people with glasses can be worthwhile provided they take off their glasses and are actually really hot.”

In 2007, I almost learned my lesson when Paul Potts looked ugly but sang beautifully two years before Susan Boyle did the very same thing on the very same show.

Unfortunately I missed the whole “don’t judge a person by their appearance” message because Paul is a guy, and it’s much more common to see unattractive men on TV than unattractive women. To prove my point, here are some male and female actors from TV’s smash hit Law & Order.

vs.

In Law and Order’s world, the most important part of the New York State Bar Exam is the women’s swimsuit competition.

But thanks to Susan Boyle, we don’t live in a world of law and order anymore. Oh no, this new world is one of confusion and uncertainty where unattractive people might be capable of more than failure. It’s a frightening prospect and I desperately hope someone (attractive) will reassure me that Susan Boyle is not the beginning of a new reality but is in fact a solidification of our old way of thinking by providing us another uplifting exception that further proves the rule.

More TV Tag Lines

My last post was about the artlessly expository tag line for the TV show The Cougar (One older woman. Twenty younger men). Here are tag lines to other shows that the TV Land copywriters might have come up with.

I might do more of these later, but for now I think it’s time to take a little break from tag lines.

The Cougar: Tag lines

Hey, have you heard about “cougars?” Older women going after younger men? Of course you have because people have been beating this idea to death for way too long. We get it already. That’s what men usually do, so how hilarious is it that women do it too? Totally hilarious!

Hopefully this reality TV show will end the cougar zeitgeist.

I think what’s most repulsive to me about this (besides everything) is the total lack of creativity in the tag line. For the past two years there’s been nothing but a glut of cougar related humor and the best TV Land’s copywriting team could come up with is “One Older Woman. Twenty Younger Men.” I wonder what their tag line for Law & Order would be. Probably “Cops and Lawyers Fighting Crime.”

Here are a few better tag lines I came up with for The Cougar.

TV Land, call me. I have even better ideas for High School Reunion.