Hot Bikini Models

Dude TV knows exactly what you want to see. Can you handle the hotness that is the latest video I wrote for The Brig?

Hot Bikini Models

Written, edited and special effects by me
Directed by Shamikah Christina Martinez
Produced by Laura Turner Garrison
Starring Neil Casey, Sarah Viccellio, Lauren Humm Fakete and Claire Jane Wolterman

Quantum Creep

David Markowitz can’t be within 100 meters and the same temporal space as minors.

Here’s the latest video I directed for The Brig.

Quantum Creep

Written by Jon Gutierrez
Directed & special effects by me
Edited by Nathan Russell
Produced by Laura Turner Garrison
Starring Roman Pietrs, Lauren Adams, Robert Cuthill and Dru Johnston

Comedy Terrorism

I almost forgot my backpack on the subway. It would have been pretty bad if I left it there.

Ernie Anastos: Welcome to Fox 5 News at 10. Our top story tonight: A possible terrorist threat shuts down subways near midtown. Ti-Hua Chang has the story.

Ti-Hua Chang: Thanks Ernie. The NYPD bomb squad was called in earlier today after passengers noticed an unattended red backpack on an uptown N train. They expected to find an explosive device, but what they discovered was much worse.

Anastos: What was that?

Chang: The first draft of a Modern Family spec script.

Anastos: Horrifying.

Chang: Indeed. Is there anything more dangerous and lacking in social value than a spec script for a network television situation comedy?

Anastos: Absolutely not. And to just leave it there in a public place where innocent women and children could read it and rot their brains?

Chang: Scary stuff. And to make matters worse, the script was terrible. Three police officers were injured while reading the flawed C storyline involving Mitchell helping Jay buy a present for Gloria. Not to mention the hours of police work wasted trying to punch up the uninspired Phil one-liners.

Anastos: Have police caught the person responsible for this drivel?

Chang: Not yet. The writer’s name is Adam Sacks and he is currently missing. The FBI raided Sacks’s apartment and found a huge stockpile of comedy sketches and lists with ideas for new projects.

Anastos: So he planned to strike again?

Chang: It appears so. Here’s just a small sampling of his sick, underdeveloped ideas. “Ninja dressed in corduroy can’t be stealthy,” “Literary critic stuck in cliche dream with flat characters,” and “CSI: CSNY” which appears to be a one act musical parody of police procedurals.

Anastos: Do authorities have any idea where Sacks might be hiding?

Chang: According to his roommate and parents, Sacks has been spending a lot of time with like-minded misguided youths in training centers and theaters hidden underground or behind bars.

Anastos: You mean to say there are training camps right in our midst?

Chang: It appears so. The CIA just released this composite photo of what they think Sacks looks like now.

Chang: Anyone with a lead on his whereabouts is asked to call Homeland Security immediately.

A senator vetoes Glee

When I was elected, I swore to serve the American people, and I’m sorry honey, but the American people do not want us to watch Glee tonight. I’m all for bipartisanship, but I’m not doing my job by voting for a soulless work of lowest-common denominator pandering with cringe inducing musical numbers.

That’s not me talking, honey, that’s the American people. Sure the Nielsen-Gallup polls show a strong support for your Glee bill, but if they actually sat down and read the 44 page script, they’d realize how disingenuous it is for a show that is supposedly about social outcasts to revolve mostly around football players and cheerleaders.

And I don’t listen to polls anyway. I listen to the people. People like Betsy Roderick, a single mother of three struggling to make ends meet, who wrote to me pleading, “Anytime the glee teacher Will Schuester performs a musical number, it’s like watching my uncle dance to Lady Gaga at a wedding party.”

And I’ll never forget Paul Henderson, a lanky 15-year-old, who came up to me with tears in his eyes asking, “Wouldn’t Glee have been more interesting if they came up with good characters instead of a caricature of what middle-aged white guys think Diablo Cody thinks high school students are like?”

Also, honey, your Glee proposal is too expensive. I ran it by the congressional budget office and they said there’s no way a high school could afford the number of costumes and set designs seen in just one episode of Glee, let alone the entire season. They also raised some troubling questions as to how all the students could perform synchronized dance routines without ever practicing.

Oh honey, don’t look so cross at me. I have to act in the best interests of the American people, my hands are tied. We can still come to a compromise. The Jane Lynch section of your Glee bill is quite good, so why don’t you bring a new proposal to the floor that maintains the Lynch clause? I would suggest season one of Party Down.

Now that was a good show. Too bad it didn’t gain traction with the voters.

LOST: A deathbed conversation

Lost, your breathing is getting shallow, you won’t last the night. In your current state, I realize it seems selfish to trouble you with my problems, but this has been tearing me up inside for too long and I have to get it out.

I don’t love you anymore. Yes, I visit every Tuesday, tend to your needs, pretend to care about your flash-sideways ramblings, but it’s only because I know you’ll be gone soon. As long as I’m being honest, I really considered breaking up with you around season three, but then you got diagnosed with terminal scheduling, so I figured if I’ve come this far, I can see you through to the end.

Some of my friends are still holding out for a death bed conversion. That you will make amends and give us the satisfying ending everyone wants, but you and I know that won’t happen. Because I know the real you. The you that lacks substance. The you that has no believable character motivations. The you that doesn’t have a satisfying story, so you hide behind always asking more questions because if you ever gave an answer, people would see how empty you are.

It’s funny, because your mysteries were what originally attracted me to you, but I grew up and you didn’t. So I’ll be by your side tonight, watching the TV as your heart beat slowly stops, and I will mourn your passing because we did have some good times, but mostly I’ll be disappointed that I put six years of work into a meaningless fling.

I guess this is what happens when you try to start a relationship with a show you met on network television.

Oscars In Memoriam: Movie Extras

Because there are no small roles.

Oscars In Memoriam: Movie Extras
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

The latest from my UCB Comedy Beta team, The Brig. If there’s one thing I learned from this, it’s that I enjoy writing cheesy awards intros way too much. Keep that in mind, next year’s Oscars producer.

Matt Mayer and I directed it, Nathan Russell shot it, and I edited it. Matt Fisher plays Rick Moranis.

Dora the Asphyxiated

On the next episode of Dora the Explorer, Dora learns she’s a thalidomide baby and suffocates herself.

A message to Jay Leno from Jack Paar

First off

Though I can see where Leno is coming from. He dutifully hosted The Tonight Show for 17 years, brought NBC great ratings, and yet was forced out of his job by someone less successful. If that happened to me, I’d be pretty angry. Especially if the guy before me worked for 30 years and retire when he wanted to.

But Jack Paar, The Tonight Show’s second host, said something on his last show, 48 years ago, that is still relevant today. Give it a listen (it’s only 23 seconds long).

I like that last part. “Having run out of fresh, exciting, new ideas to bring you myself, I feel I should give somebody else a turn.”

Leno was number one in the ratings, but he wasn’t fresh or exciting. If anything, his Tonight Show was like a dorodango.

If you don’t know, dorango is the Japanese art of taking dirt and polishing it into a shiny ball. Sure, it takes hard work to smooth out the bumps. And yes, a lot of people like the gloss, but underneath it’s still just dirt. And dirt isn’t interesting.

Though when did people care about what’s interesting? If anything, it’s amazing someone as different as Conan even got 7 months on The Tonight Show. Also, let’s not forget all this hubbub really boils down to choosing which rich white guy will tell us dick jokes at night. If America is satisfied with Jay’s average penis jokes, that’s their loss.

Jersey Bore

For the past month everyone has been talking about MTV’s new show Jersey Shore, which follows a bunch of young Italian Americans spending the summer at (surprise!) the Jersey Shore. The general buzz was that Jersey Shore took MTV’s stupidity and debauchery to new heights. Having never seen the show, I believed the hype because why else would everyone talk about it so much?

I recently saw a few episodes however, and I was wildly disappointed.

Sure everyone is selfish and stupid. Yeah they drink constantly. Of course they hook-up a lot. But none of this is new. It’s exactly like MTV’s The Real World, just without the token angry black cast member.

So when Italian American groups call Jersey Shore racist for depicting negative Italian stereotypes, they miss the point. Jersey Shore cast members aren’t acting stupid because they’re Italian, they’re acting stupid because that’s what it takes to get through an MTV casting call. MTV isn’t racist. It’s ageist. Jersey Shore, just like all their “reality” shows, creates the stereotype that all 20-somethings act like idiots.

As far as I can tell, Jersey Shore is wildly popular for the same reason new Woody Allen movies are popular. Woody Allen made the same movie for decades and people eventually got bored. Then he started setting them in Europe and the new location and accents made the old formula seem new again.

All that being said, the one thing I like about Jersey Shore is that they work at a novelty t-shirt shop. So in that vein here are two shirts I made to reflect the MTV ethos.

I’m With Stupids
Printfection
$25

I’m Up Here
Printfection
$24

And so close to Christmas

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan Denderson: Merry Christmas everyone, I’m Dan Denderson.

Robin Rochelle: And I’m Robin Rochelle. Our top story tonight: Tragedy strikes as a house in Edison collapses, severely injuring a mother, father and two children. A sad story, all the sadder because it happened on Christmas.

Dan: You hate to hear about something like this on Christmas, Robin.

Robin: It is especially tough this time of year, Dan.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: We begin tonight with a sad story. A local ASPCA kennel burned down, killing almost fifty adorable puppies. And to think, just two days after Christmas.

Robin: Such a shame, so close to the holidays.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Shocking news tonight. An entire little league baseball team dead, crushed to death by a meteorite, a mere 24 days after Christmas.

Dan: The timing must make it extra hard on the families.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Tonight, horror on the highway. A special needs school bus overturned on Route 84, killing everyone on board. And just 4 days, 7 weeks after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Tonight, the unthinkable as a heard of rabid cows trampled to death the majority of residents in Essex County, just 132 days after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Sad news tonight. James Spader, star of such movies and TV as Secretary and Boston Legal, died tonight of spontaneous combustion. His death, all the more tragic as today is Secretary’s Day.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Heartbreak tonight, as the local Mattapan Rose Day Parade ended early when an elderly float driver lost control of his vehicle, killing 47 bystanders. Residents can at least take some small comfort in the fact that today, June 25th, is as far from Christmas as possible.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Lots of unanswered questions tonight as 84 members of the Solomon’s Pillar cult died today in an apparent mass suicide. Authorities are still investigating how such a thing could happen with Christmas just 3 months, 1 week and 6 days away.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: This Thanksgiving, there’s not a lot for one family to be thankful for as a 16 year old boy shot and killed his entire extended family a mere 35 days before they could all meet again for Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: And finally tonight, a real life Scrooge stole all the presents donated to the Montclair Elementary School toy drive, just three days before Christmas.

Robin: How could someone do that, Dan? At this time of year?

Dan: Around Christmas. Hard to believe, Robin.

Robin: Now, of all times, Dan.

Dan: This time of year, it really is so sad.

Robin: It really is the worst time of year to ruin Christmas.