The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet?  Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do.  You can get paid to blog if you review products?!?  I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking.  The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews.  Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks.  I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line:  But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation.  I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer.  Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

Sing Sing

I don’t know if you know this, but Google Maps allows you to write reviews of locations.  So I reviewed Sing Sing.

Here’s what I had to say.

Affordable Waterfront Living

Enjoy the hustle and bustle of New York City, but yearn to get closer to nature? Then head on up river to Sing Sing. Located directly on the Hudson River, our complex offer the best of urban life in a natural setting. All units are located in beautiful pre-war buildings and come fully furnished. Also, upon joining you’ll receive daily meals courtesy of our in-house culinary staff as well as free gym membership good for one hour a day. And you can say goodbye to your ugly commute when our job placement department finds you work in a variety of exciting fields all conveniently located within walking distance of your home.

Sure New York City may be the culture capital of the world, but Sing Sing is no slouch either. The arts are alive and well within our community, any member of which can teach you a variety of exciting craft projects made entirely from materials found on site.

We also have free theater events put on by the Rehabilitation Through The Arts (RTA) providing the very best theater our local actors with a history of good behavior can provide.

Also, for those of you concerned about safety, you can sleep easily knowing that we have earned the coveted “Maximum Security” rating from the State of New York for a record 185 years straight.

And best of all? It’s entirely free! No broker’s fee, no monthly rent, no maitnence fees, no utilities, no nothing at all! With leases ranging anywhere from 6 months to life, there’s no escaping this great deal.

Don’t delay. Units are going fast and the wait list is murder.