Soda vs Pop vs the War on Christmas

Forget Afghanistan and Iraq, the real never ending war is the War on Christmas. Check out this recent attack.

While I was offended by the jarring song and spastic dancing, the American Family Association was offended that the commercial mentioned any holiday other than Christmas. Despite all of the clearly Christmas related imagery, they felt this commercial was persecuting them.

I can relate 100 percent.

You see, I too am a victim of a war. The War on Soda.

As someone who was raised correctly, I know “soda” is the one true name. Some people may call it “pop,” but they’re wrong. The word soda comes from sodium carbonate which gives soda its distinctive fizz, while “pop” comes from someone bad at onomatopoeia trying to describe soda’s distinctive fizz.

And yet everyday I’m persecuted by the Politically Correct Police who force inclusive terms like “cola,” “soft drink” or “carbonated beverage” down my throat. They’re taking the soda out of soda, and I for one won’t stand for it.

We live in a nation founded by Soda believers. Here’s a map showing where in America soda is the predominant term. (via The Pop vs Soda Page)

And here is that map overlaid with the some of our founding fathers’ birthplaces.

The conclusion is clear. America is a nation of soda drinking white men usually named John.

This is a slippery slope, and it’s time we take a stand or pretty soon we’ll find ourselves drinking pop with our hoagies, putting jimmies on our ice cream, using gumbands to hold stuff together, while our children drink water from bubblers in the park. That’s not the America I know and love.

So this December 25th, show some Christmas cheer and drink a soda.

Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first. That’s NEWS, baby! Ratings GOLD!

Really? You want more than that? Did I mention this is ratings GOLD? I did? Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves. Were there get pigs in a blanket? How about chicken satay? I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby! Ratings GOLD!

Really? You want more than that? Did I mention this is ratings GOLD? I did? Okay, just checking.

How about this? They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it. Does he wear Old Spice? Is he a Power Stick man? Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby! Ratings GOLD!

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews. Forget those fluff pieces! Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book. That’s NEWS, baby! New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story? Well, how did they get past the Secret Service? Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that? Really? Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD? I did? Okay, just checking.

How about this? The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner. Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you? I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead. We’re looking to the future, to movies. Specifically sex tapes. And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars. That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate? That’s movie MAGIC, baby! And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really? They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape! Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House. That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman? That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal? Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action? That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball. I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals. That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What? You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer. Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello? Are you there? Hello?

Greta Van Susteren

Here’s an ad I saw in the subway for Greta Van Susteren’s TV show.

Bold. Powerful. Persistent. I could not agree more. No one is more bold in persistently asking the powerful dumb questions.

Mad About Who?

Much as been written about Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize. Does he deserve the award? Is it a political liability? How should he go about accepting it?

What no one has mentioned yet, is the real precedent for this situation. No, I’m not talking about Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, or Henry Kissinger. I’m speaking, of course, about the Emmy Awards and the NBC sitcom Mad About You starring Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt.

You see, even though Paul Resier created Mad About You, he never once received an Emmy, while Helen Hunt won four times in a row for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Sure Helen Hunt was more dynamic than Paul Reiser, who relied mainly on his everyman quality, but she only shined because he worked selflessly for eight years to make her look great. Sadly, award ceremonies rarely appreciate the Paul Reisers of the world, but in all four of her acceptance speeches, Helen Hunt said he deserved half of her Emmy.

So Obama, when you go to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace prize, be sure to thank the guy who worked really hard for eight years to make you look good. And maybe bring a hacksaw or something, so you can give him his fair share of the award.

The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet? Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do. You can get paid to blog if you review products?!? I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking. The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews. Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks. I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line: But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation. I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer. Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

The Real World: United Nations

This is the true story of 192 countries picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped and translated. Find out what happens when countries stop being polite and start getting real.

Get desktop wallpaper version here

Iraq’s room

Iraq: America, get out already!

America: I was just helping you hang some curtains.

Iraq: They’re up. They’re a little crooked, but they’re up. And hopefully better than those old Venetian blinds you tore down. But whatever, you need to get out. Also, can I borrow 100 bucks?

America: I thought you were getting a job at the gas station.

Iraq: That’s not working out as well as we hoped. Give me some money.

…

The living room

China: What’s up, America? Want to watch Julie & Julia? I got it on DVD. The picture’s a little shaky, but you can still tell what’s going on.

America: Maybe later. But hey, while I’m here, Iraq needs 100 bucks, so can I borrow 200 hundred bucks?

China: Okay, but you have to promise to not get mad when I leave my trash everywhere, torture my house guests and switch your toothpaste with lead.

America: Deal.

…

The kitchen

Israel: You put your finger in my peanut butter, Palestine.

Palestine: You stole my peanut butter.

Israel: No, I was given your peanut butter. You can’t just put your finger in it.

Palestine: I can do whatever I want with MY peanut butter.

Palestine’s cousin kicks Israel in the shins.

Israel: Damnit Palestine!

Palestine: Hey that was my cousin, not me.

Palestine winks at his cousin.

Israel punches Palestine in the face.

Palestine’s cousin give’s Israel a dead-leg.

Israel puts Palestine in a headlock.

America: Hey guys, knock it off!

Israel and Palestine: NO!

Palestine’s cousin kicks America in the crotch.

America: Sonofa!

America farts on Palestine.

Palestine: See? You always take his side!

…

The front door

Italy: Ahh, you’ve come at last, my darling.

Young Hot Babe: Tee hee.

France: Hey Italy. You have to stop inviting all these strange girls over.

Young Hot Babe: Giggle, giggle.

Italy: I can do what I want!

France: Yeah, but there’s just so many of them and we don’t know who they are. What if they try to steal something? Show a little restraint.

Italy: You are just jealous.

France: I’ve got a supermodel wife.

Italy: Touché

France: Also, put on some pants. You’re embarrassing yourself.

…

House meeting

Afghanistan: Why was I brought to this meeting?

America: You’ve got to start cleaning your bathroom.

Afghanistan: I resent the implication! My bathroom is spotless.

England: Everyone can smell it. The whole house reeks.

Afghanistan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

America: Look, Afghanistan, I’ll come in and help you clean up.

Russia: Oooh, America. Ix-nay on the elp-hay.

America: Why? What’s wrong.

Russia: I once tried getting in there and couldn’t handle it.

America: That was a long time ago. I’m sure it’ll be different with me.

Russia: Your funeral.

…

Outside Iran’s door

America: Hey, Iran, we need to talk.

Iran pokes his head out

Iran: What do you want?

England: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: Look, we know you’re making a meth lab in there.

Iran: No I’m not. That’s ridiculous.

America: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: If you don’t let us in in the next month or so, there will be terrible consequences.

Iran: You’ll kick me out of the house?

England: Worse. We’ll make you pay a larger share of the utilities.

Iran: What? That’s crazy. China, you’re okay with this?

China: It’s nothing personal.

Iran: Typical. And Russia, you too? What about bros before G.I. Joes?

Russia: Oh man, Iran. Don’t be like that. You know you’re my brother from another mother, but seriously, you could blow up the house.

Iran: Whatever. North Korea’s got tons of crazy stuff in his room.

North Korea: (heard muffled through his door) Yeah! Say hello to my little friend! Kill ‘em all, Pacino

America: Right, but he just holes up in his room and watches movies.

…

House hallway

Libya: (ranting to self) Swine flu was invented by the American Coast Guard to kill Martin Luther King Jr! I want a sandwich. The Vatican is responsible for 9/11. A roast beef sandwich! Arabs and Jews play naked Twister with each other. Lettuce and tomato, hold the mayo.

Germany: Can’t we force Libya into a nursing home or something? He’s obviously lost it.

Italy: I’m afraid not. He lives in a tent in our backyard. That’s out of our jurisdiction.

Libya: I said hold the mayo! Africa vetoes this sandwich.

…

House meeting

Turkey: I just want to say again, I didn’t drink the Armenian coffee, and that it was a long time ago, but that most importantly I deny drinking it.

America: Hey Turkey, relax, no need to bring it up. No one is saying you killed the pot of Armenian coffee.

France: Actually, I think he did.

Russia: Me too.

Italy: He totally finished it off.

America: Look, the important thing is we move past whatever Turkey did or did not do so we can play his Xbox 360.

Germany: This is bull! I’m not always included in house meetings because of that time I ate all the bagels, but you’re willing to let Turkey off the hook?

Health Care Debate: Super Friends Style

This past August, deep underground in the Democratic headquarters’ strategy room.

Robin: Guys, we’re getting pounded in the news about our health care reform. They only cover the most outlandish, outrageous arguments like government death panels. We need to do something!

BatReid: I am doing something, my ward. I tell everyone at our cocktail parties of like-minded friends how ridiculous the whole situation is.

Robin: No! We need to do something big.

WonderPelosi: What do you mean, boy wonder?

Robin: Death panels have been used to scare people away from a public insurance option. But we have death panels now. They’re the for-profit insurance companies that will use any acne as a pre-existing condition to deny cancer treatment. That will purposely send the elderly the wrong forms to fill out, hoping that they die before the bureaucratic problems are sorted out. That will encourage employees to cancel policies of those with expensive illnesses.

AquaDodd: I know. That’s why we’re trying to pass health care reform.

Robin: But no one is getting the message. To compete in the brain-dead news world, we need visceral images. We should stack body bags in front of Assurant Health’s building for every person they killed by denying coverage. We should have children who have lost a parent wearing shirts that say “Blue Cross decided my Daddy’s life was too expensive.” We should find people who went bankrupt when UnitedHealth wouldn’t pay for necessary procedures and have them pan handle outside the offices.

SuperObama: I think it’s important to stay above the fray.

BatReid: Let’s just deal with this problem the same way we dealt with George W. Bush.

Robin: You mean avoid making convincing arguments and let the problem fester hoping that eventually people come to our side out of sheer desperation?

WonderPelosi: Precisely.

Meanwhile…

At the Hall of Republicans.

DickLex LuthorArmey: Let’s spread rumors that Obama will make everyone wait in breadlines for hours to get prescription drugs.

Bizarro Steele: And that Democrats are mad crazy off the hook wanna kill Medicare.

Cheetah Palin: And that Obamacare is a liberal ploy to let Muslims eat Christian babies.

My Twitter Campaign Gets Nasty

A few months ago I started a campaign to get more followers on my Twitter account @AdamSacks than California’s 19th district representative George Radanovich.

Now I could understand a Senator having more followers than me, but Radanovich is just a Congressman. Winning a Congressional seat is the grown-up equivalent of winning a high school election. Sure they run on a platform of increasing lunch breaks and decreasing homework, but everyone knows they won’t have the power to actually do anything.

Though what mostly annoyed me was that George Radanovich’s tweets were so boring they made me yearn for the excitement of a floor debate on C-SPAN.

It’s been about five months since I threw down the Twitter gauntlet, so I figured it’s time to check my campaign’s progress.

First of all, hands down, I’m still beating George on the quality scale. Here’s his latest tweet (20 days old, I might add).

Versus mine (still fresh from this afternoon).

But the problem is, I’m not gaining traction with voters. When I started campaigning against Radanovich, he was leading me in the polls 499 followers to 83. Now he’s leading me 1,244 followers to 290. Some of my analysts say this is good news because I have a higher percentage growth rate. But that’s like winning the Most Improved Athlete award, which we all knows goes to whoever was the worst to begin with.

I want to crush Radanovich, so I talked it over with my campaign manager and we’ve decided to go negative. But I do have morals, so I won’t stoop so low as to compare Radanovich to Hitler. I don’t think it’s fair to compare anyone to that monster.

However, there are other monsters I’m more than willing to compare Radanovich to. Such as…

And…

But what I think all Republicans fear most are French people.

That’s right, Radanovich, the gloves are coming off.

As for everyone else, what are you waiting for? Follow me on Twitter.

OJ Simpson’s Redemption

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Hey OJ, how’s it going?

OJ Simpson: I’m in jail. How do you think?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Oh right. Sorry about dying before you stopped being an idiot.

OJ Simpson: What do you want? I don’t have any money.

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: No man, this is a personal visit. I was talking with Ted Kennedy in the afterlife and it hit me like an 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 driving off a bridge in Chappaquiddick. This guy also killed a white woman, but everyone forgave him because of his years of public service.

OJ Simpson: So you think people will forgive me if I become a Senator?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Exactly!

OJ Simpson: That’s crazy. What do I know about politics?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Orenthal James Simpson, if you can win the Heisman Trophy, rush for 11,236 yards in the NFL, and hold your own on screen with Liam Neeson.

OJ Simpson: Leslie Nielsen.

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Whatever. The point is, I’m sure if you put your mind to it, you could also become a lion of the senate. And once you get that type of prestige, people will find it unseemly to mention your murderous past.

OJ Simpson: I’ll be in prison for the next 9 years. When I get out do you really think I have a chance of winning a statewide election?

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: In California? Of course! They’ll vote for anyone whose name they recognize, and I already know twelve of your peers whose vote you’ve got. You’re practically a shoe-in for 2022.

OJ Simpson: I guess it’s worth a shot.

Ghost of Johnny Cochran: Or a stab!

The two laugh heartily.

Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday. As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world. Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias. Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake. Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches. If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.