Jackie Chan: Stunt Neck

How exciting does Jackie Chan’s The Spy Next Door look?

This has the potential to make Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Kindergarten Cop look like Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier.

But The Spy Next Door won’t just revolutionize the “action star babysitting” genre.  Look at what Jackie Chan’s neck can do.

That’s not Photoshop.  Jackie Chan does all his own stunts, which means his neck is made of rubber.

For a spy movie, this changes EVERYTHING.  If a villain tied James Bond to a chair, but left a knife dangling directly behind his head, Bond would be powerless to get the knife and cut himself free before the excruciatingly slow moving laser cut him in half.  But with Jackie Chan, there is literally no trap he can’t get out of, provided the key to his escape is within his 360 degree biting radius.

Sorry super villians, your plans for world domination are no match against Jackie Chan’s Exorcist neck.

And if you’re still not excited about The Spy Next Door, check this out.

That’s right, it also features the creators of  Miley Cyrus and Lopez Tonight.  How they got the man responsible for some of most stupefyingly childish television of all time and Billy Ray Cyrus together, I’ll never know.

January 15th can’t come soon enough.

Hot Guys, Ugly Girls

This weekend, Couples Retreat debuted number one at the box office making 35.3 million dollars.

For those who don’t know, Couples Retreat is the hilarious story of four average to unattractive guys who don’t want to go on vacation with their hot girlfriends.

Contractually I wasn’t allowed to say anything until after the premier, but I wrote the original screenplay.  Here’s the movie poster I mocked up when shopping around the script.

As you can see, Hollywood completely ruined my original vision.  There are tons of women who relate with Kathy Bates’ struggle to be accepted based on her talents instead of looks; Kirstie Alley’s battle with weight gain; Whoopi Goldberg’s quick wit; and Rhea Perlman’s brash, take-no-guff personality; and these women would pay good money to vicariously live out their fantasy of having super hunky boyfriends.  I fought with the studio for months over casting, but in the end a movie exec told me point blank, “No one would ever believe Daniel Craig could find Kathy Bates attractive.”

Apparently, this couple is more believable.

Was I angry?  Of course.  But I shouldn’t have been surprised.  Here are a few other scripts I wrote that Hollywood totally destroyed.

Not Everyone’s Child

This advertisement has always bothered me.

Now before you get angry, my problem isn’t with wireless amber alerts.  I think we can all agree, anything that helps rescue a kidnapped child is a good thing.  What bothers me is a flaw in the advertisement’s logic.

If an abducted child is everyone’s child, then that child also belongs to the abductor, meaning the child was never abducted in the first place.

That is a troubling thought, so I fixed the wording.  It’s a little less elegant but much clearer.

Celebrity Cover Bands

Most celebrities secretly want to be rock stars but don’t know how to write songs.  Which is why they should start cover bands!  Here are a few celebrity cover band ideas.

Mark Paul Gosselaar is doing a pretty good job of moving past his Saved By The Bell days.  But showbiz is a fickle mistress, so if his career takes a “Dustin Diamond” he can always start a Doors cover band.

Zack Morrison

Wilford Brimley.  Whether it be oatmeal, diabetes or Cocoon, the man is known for associating with the best in the business.  And you know who else was the best in the business?  Otis Redding.

Quaker Oatis Redding

Now that Jon and Kate broke up, he’s probably wondering what to do with his life.  If only there was someone else who broke up the union that rocketed him to stardom, but then did just fine on his own…Oh wait, there is.  John Lennon!

Jon Minus Kate Plus Lennon

William Shatner has already had some success in the music business, but his career would really take off if he applied his unique spoken-word styling to Nirvana songs.

Kirk Cobain

And finally, Warner Bros. hasn’t done anything interesting with the Looney Toons in a long time.  I think it’s time to dust off Marvin the Martian and have him make an album.

Marvin the Martian Gaye

Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday.  As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world.  Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias.  Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake.  Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches.  If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.

The Hagar Five

Marlon Jackson: Jackson residence.

Sammy Hagar: YEEEOOW!  Hey there this is the Red Rocker himself, Sammy Hagar.  Is this Jermaine Jackson?

Marlon: No, it’s Marlon.

Sammy: Marlon Waynes?

Marlon: Marlon Jackson

Sammy: Oh, sorry man.  Were you in the Jackson Five?

Marlon: Yes I was.

Sammy: Then I would just like to express my deepest condolences for your brother’s loss.

Marlon: I didn’t know you were a fan.

Sammy: Oh yeah man, big fan. I was so crushed by the news that I almost didn’t do my daily five shots of Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Tequilla.

Marlon: I’ll be sure to pass on your kind words.  Thank you, Sammy.

Sammy: You’re welcome, Tito.

Marlon: I’m Marlon.

Sammy: Marlon, right.  My mistake.  Anyway, while I got you on the line have you considered reuniting the remaining members of the Jackson 5?

Marlon: That was a long time ago

Sammy: And so was Michael Jackson’s cultural relevancy, but now that he’s dead everyone’s too busy making him number one on iTunes to care what a sad joke he became.

Marlon: That’s my brother you’re talking about.

Sammy: No, what I’m talking about is the unique situation we are in to make some serious cashola.

Marlon: We?

Sammy: Totally man.  You guys are gonna need a new lead singer, and I’ll make everyone forget about Jacko faster than you can say Diamond Dave.  We’ll make so much money you’d be able to open like 20 new Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs.

Marlon: I don’t think you’d really mesh well with us.

Sammy: I  just Photoshopped a poster that disagrees.

Marlon: Can you moonwalk?

Sammy: I can’t drive 55.

Marlon: What’s your favorite Jackson 5 song?

Sammy: Off the top of my head, I’d have to say the one about the alphabet.  I thought you were particularly good in that one, Jackie.

Marlon: Marlon!  I’m Marlon Jackson, and I’m hanging up.

Sammy: Wait, La Toya, hear me out on this.

Marlon: Marlon!

Sammy: Marlon, right.  Anyway, come on man!  This is a golden opprotunity for you and your bros to go on tour, meet some smokin’ hot ladies and make enough moolah to save your struggling Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs.

Marlon: I’ve been married for 33 years, have three children and one grandchild, and am a successful real estate agent.  I don’t need your help with anything.

Sammy: Wait.  Really?!?

Marlon: Really.

Sammy: Oh, well then do you think you could help me refinance the mortgages on my Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs?  I’m in a tough spot here.

Marlon: Goodbye.

Click.

Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: SPOILERS

Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit.  Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.

And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures.  Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy.  I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.

• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.

• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.

• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.

• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.

• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.

• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.

• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.

• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.

• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!

• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.

Photoshop Tutoring

Look, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s job prospects, but based off of this flyer

I would not recommend taking Photoshop classes from this guy.  First of all, Photoshop is a computer program, and that camera looks like it was made before Charles Babbage invented the difference engine.  Also, does he even know the program?  The flyer doesn’t have one single gradient or drop shadow.  At the very least, he’s not a power user or else he would have used some filters to spruce up the image.

Here are a few options, any of which is about one million, two hundred seventy six thousand, nine hundred and twenty-three times better.

Anyone walking by this bad boy will say to themselves, “Who took the time to draw out a flyer by hand with charcoal?  Wait, that’s done with Photoshop?  I need to learn from that guy.”  

The second one is a little more risky because passer-bys will think you actually carved the flyer out of stone and not even realize it’s part of your Photoshopping skills.

Everyone loves clouds, but not everyone knows you can make them in Photoshop.

Wow, whoever did this flyer, it must have taken them forever to get all those little squares in there.  I gotta learn their secrets.

Is this a flyer for Photoshop tutorials or a poster for next summer’s Jerry Bruckheimer action-movie-spectacular?  I don’t know, but either way I’m going

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m sharing these mock-ups, I should keep them for myself.  Any one of these eye catching flyers would generate me so much business I could retire in a year.

Grand Teton’s Snake River, Mordor National Park

By popular demand, I’ve made the Ansel Adams’s, Lord of the Rings photoshop into a desktop background.

Choose your size

1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Wyoming, get ready for a New Zealand like spike in tourism.

Helping “Master” Photographers

I’m not one to disregard everything that has come before me, but let’s face it, a lot of so called “master photographers” weren’t all that great.  And the reason is quite simple.  They were born before the advent of Photoshop.  Thankfully there are people, such as myself, who can help them out.

Ansel Adams

Look, Ansel, you’re a master of controlling values, but anyone can hop in an RV, tool around some national park and take the same basic photo.  If only you weren’t so confined by reality, maybe you could have shown us something truly spectacular and worth talking about.  Something like…

Boom.  I don’t care how many times you’ve been to Grand Teton National Park, you’ve never seen it like this.

Update (1/18/09) I made this a desktop wallpaper.  Choose your size.   1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Walker Evans

Walker, the photos you took in the 30′s for the Farm Security Administration really bring home the suffering caused by the Great Depression.  But at some point during your journeys, you must have thought, “Why do they all have to be so gosh darn ugly?  And their skin, my god, have they never heard of moisturizer?”  At the time, you couldn’t fix these glaring problems, but I am more capable than you…

I’m sure Allie Mae Burroughs had a delightful personality, but look how much more delightful her personality is with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell’s face.

Brassaï

Hey Brassaï, nighttime photos of Paris are nice and all, but it’s called La Ville-Lumière, not La Ville-Too-Dark-To-Tell-What-You’re-Looking-At.  Your darkroom must have had some serious light leaks, but don’t worry, I’ve fixed it for you.

It’s called a Curves adjustment layer, and you’re welcome.

Man Ray

Oh, look at me, I have a crazy name and I do crazy things like expose my prints to bright lights during development so that dark areas become light and light areas become dark.  Those sorts of shenanigans may have impressed the fine art world in the 30′s, but you’ve got to step up your game.  Have you considered…

Lens Flares!  Now we’re cooking with avant-garde.

Alfred Eisenstaedt

Jeeze, your photo editor at Life must have been sleeping on the job the day you turned this photo in.  We just declared victory over Japan and all you got was a drab black and white photo.  Where’s the razzle dazzle, Al?

Now I know I’m supposed to be happy.  Also notice my subtle use of hearts, which help to reinforce the feeling of cheer without drawing undue attention to itself.

Robert Frank

Hey Bobby, what did they teach you over there in Swiss photo school?  Don’t you know the most important part of a person is their face?  You totally covered it up by the tuba.  Otherwise it’s a pretty decent photo, so let me help you out…

All better.  And if you look closely you’ll see I made the tuba player Dizzy Gillespie.  Sure it probably wasn’t Dizzy playing the tuba (I think he played the trombone or something), but it makes for a more interesting photo to have someone famous in it.

Diane Arbus

What is going on here?  Photos of kids are supposed to be cute and adorable, Diane.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this an F.  Lucky for you, all is not lost…

There’s a smile!  I also Steven Spielberged out the grenade and replaced it with a bunny, so you can sell it to Hallmark.  Thank me with a 20 percent cut from any subsequent sales.

Tom Kelley

Who knew when you were taking nude photos of a young starlet that she would one day become the world’s greatest sex symbol?  To bad that by today’s standards, Marilyn Monroe’s proportions make her a fat cow.  But all is not lost…

Va-va-voom!  Now that’s something the kids today will go for.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  There are so many terrible, awful photos from history that are in dire need of my help.  But I am only one man; there is only so much I can do.  Perhaps in the future I’ll do more to help, but for now I must go sleep the sleep of the righteous and just.