The great blizzard of 2010

I apologize in advance for blowing your mind.

Jackie Chan: Stunt Neck

How exciting does Jackie Chan’s The Spy Next Door look?

This has the potential to make Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Kindergarten Cop look like Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier.

But The Spy Next Door won’t just revolutionize the “action star babysitting” genre. Look at what Jackie Chan’s neck can do.

That’s not Photoshop. Jackie Chan does all his own stunts, which means his neck is made of rubber.

For a spy movie, this changes EVERYTHING. If a villain tied James Bond to a chair, but left a knife dangling directly behind his head, Bond would be powerless to get the knife and cut himself free before the excruciatingly slow moving laser cut him in half. But with Jackie Chan, there is literally no trap he can’t get out of, provided the key to his escape is within his 360 degree biting radius.

Sorry super villians, your plans for world domination are no match against Jackie Chan’s Exorcist neck.

And if you’re still not excited about The Spy Next Door, check this out.

That’s right, it also features the creators of Miley Cyrus and Lopez Tonight. How they got the man responsible for some of most stupefyingly childish television of all time and Billy Ray Cyrus together, I’ll never know.

January 15th can’t come soon enough.

Flow Charts

I was thinking of becoming an infographic designer, but then realized I can never top this.

They might as well retire the industry.

Thanksgiving Art

I’m at my parent’s house and came across these Thanksgiving drawings I did as a kid. I hope you enjoy them.

H1N1 Fun?

I’ve been spending a lot of time working on a new video, so I don’t have a real post. But I can show you a strange sign I came across a few days ago.

I’m not sure what’s going on here. There’s nothing about the vaccine, so are they actually offering swine flu? Or is it to warn you that swine flu is scary like Halloween? Maybe the point that swine flu is fun like Jack O’ Lanterns.

Whatever it is, I doubt this place gets much walk-in business.

Hot Guys, Ugly Girls

This weekend, Couples Retreat debuted number one at the box office making 35.3 million dollars.

For those who don’t know, Couples Retreat is the hilarious story of four average to unattractive guys who don’t want to go on vacation with their hot girlfriends.

Contractually I wasn’t allowed to say anything until after the premier, but I wrote the original screenplay. Here’s the movie poster I mocked up when shopping around the script.

As you can see, Hollywood completely ruined my original vision. There are tons of women who relate with Kathy Bates’ struggle to be accepted based on her talents instead of looks; Kirstie Alley’s battle with weight gain; Whoopi Goldberg’s quick wit; and Rhea Perlman’s brash, take-no-guff personality; and these women would pay good money to vicariously live out their fantasy of having super hunky boyfriends. I fought with the studio for months over casting, but in the end a movie exec told me point blank, “No one would ever believe Daniel Craig could find Kathy Bates attractive.”

Apparently, this couple is more believable.

Was I angry? Of course. But I shouldn’t have been surprised. Here are a few other scripts I wrote that Hollywood totally destroyed.

The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet? Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do. You can get paid to blog if you review products?!? I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking. The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews. Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks. I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line: But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation. I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer. Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

Not Everyone’s Child

This advertisement has always bothered me.

Now before you get angry, my problem isn’t with wireless amber alerts. I think we can all agree, anything that helps rescue a kidnapped child is a good thing. What bothers me is a flaw in the advertisement’s logic.

If an abducted child is everyone’s child, then that child also belongs to the abductor, meaning the child was never abducted in the first place.

That is a troubling thought, so I fixed the wording. It’s a little less elegant but much clearer.

More Wet Paint Anagrams

For those who missed it, back in January I took some New York City subway “Wet Paint” signs and rearranged the letters to say other things.

Afterwords I thought of some more Wet Paint anagrams, but none really seemed worth a second post. That is, until I thought to use two signs.

Enjoy.

And I think that about does it for wet paint signs.

My Twitter Campaign Gets Nasty

A few months ago I started a campaign to get more followers on my Twitter account @AdamSacks than California’s 19th district representative George Radanovich.

Now I could understand a Senator having more followers than me, but Radanovich is just a Congressman. Winning a Congressional seat is the grown-up equivalent of winning a high school election. Sure they run on a platform of increasing lunch breaks and decreasing homework, but everyone knows they won’t have the power to actually do anything.

Though what mostly annoyed me was that George Radanovich’s tweets were so boring they made me yearn for the excitement of a floor debate on C-SPAN.

It’s been about five months since I threw down the Twitter gauntlet, so I figured it’s time to check my campaign’s progress.

First of all, hands down, I’m still beating George on the quality scale. Here’s his latest tweet (20 days old, I might add).

Versus mine (still fresh from this afternoon).

But the problem is, I’m not gaining traction with voters. When I started campaigning against Radanovich, he was leading me in the polls 499 followers to 83. Now he’s leading me 1,244 followers to 290. Some of my analysts say this is good news because I have a higher percentage growth rate. But that’s like winning the Most Improved Athlete award, which we all knows goes to whoever was the worst to begin with.

I want to crush Radanovich, so I talked it over with my campaign manager and we’ve decided to go negative. But I do have morals, so I won’t stoop so low as to compare Radanovich to Hitler. I don’t think it’s fair to compare anyone to that monster.

However, there are other monsters I’m more than willing to compare Radanovich to. Such as…

And…

But what I think all Republicans fear most are French people.

That’s right, Radanovich, the gloves are coming off.

As for everyone else, what are you waiting for? Follow me on Twitter.