Bad news everybody. We blew our entire budget perfecting the Frutti Rings recipe and now can’t afford to hire an illustrator for the box. You all know me as an unrelenting perfectionist, ignoring deadlines and going millions of dollars over-budget to create the most delectable fruit-flavored cereal, but that changes right now. As much as it pains me to say this, we need to design our cereal box for zero dollars.

Can any of you draw? A room full of cereal executives and no one knows their way around a pencil? Unbelievable!

What’s that Rebecca? Your 5-year old son draws? Did he do the drawing in your office of that giant pigtailed cyclops and razor-toothed troll attacking a melting triangle? Oh, that’s supposed to be you and him outside your house. This is killing me, our delicious cereal deserves a professional illustrator, but as long as we don’t have to pay your son he sounds like our best option.

Here’s what I want him to draw. The box needs to capture the triumphant moment when a brightly colored tropical bird swoops down and grabs a delicious Frutti Ring with its claws. In the birds eyes we should see the joy our amazing cereal gives to anyone lucky enough to have it. Because some misguided people might see this as a Toucan Sam rip off, we need to put a twist on it so people know we’re our own original brand. To do that, please have your 5 year-old son give our bird a mohawk, a dangerously sharp beak and feet that look like half-opened pistachios. That should set our fantastic cereal apart and keep Kellogg’s from suing us.

Can your son get us a Photoshop file by Monday? Oh, he only works in crayon? That might be a problem, we don’t have the budget to scan in artwork. Tell you what, bring him in tomorrow and Craig the IT guy can teach him MS Paint.

I know guys, this is not an ideal situation, but we made a delicious cereal that we can all be proud of. Once people taste Frutti Rings I’m confident they’ll be so blown away they won’t care what the box looks like. Just remember, at Forrelli we are committed to providing customers with the highest quality product terrible packaging can hold. And that you can sell for one dollar. All our food must only cost a dollar.

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Finally, a video store that appreciates Tony Scott’s vision.

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Johnson: So our market research shows that people want to lose weight, and that people like to eat cookies. How can we exploit this?

Winford: Let’s make low-fat cookies for people on diets.

Johnson: Snackwells already does that. Let’s think big.

Siegal: How about cookies that make you lose weight?

Johnson: That’s crazy. Sell me on it.

Siegal: We’ll call it Cookie Diet. It’ll just be a box of cookies, but on the front we’ll put a picture of my uncle in a white coat to imply that it’s medically proven to make you lose weight.

Johnson: I love it. But what happens when people realize the cookies don’t work?

Siegal: That’s easy, we just charge an outrageous amount of money, that way we only need to sell one box per person.

Johnson: Yeah, something ridiculously expensive, like 30 bucks a box.

Winford: Actually according to our projections, we’d need to charge 60 dollars a box to make it profitable.

Siegal: 60 dollars?!? Maybe this won’t work.

Johnson: No, it’s perfect! The price point will instill consumer confidence because no company with a shred of decency would charge such an exorbitant amount for diet cookies that don’t work.

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I also look like a raging anti-Semite, so it’s a bit of a mixed blessing, but I’ll take it. Watch out Cogito ergo sum, I’m gunning for your number 7 spot next.

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I hope they’re better at reading the future than writing about it.

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Chris French enters his apartment and is startled to find his friends Albert Dutch, Beth English and David Dijibouti waiting for him.

Albert: Chris, we need to talk.

Beth: This is an intervention.

David: It’s about your store’s name.

Chris: Chris French Cleaners? What’s wrong with that?

Albert: Don’t you see?

Chris
French
Cleaners

CFC!

Beth: That stands for chlorofluorocarbons.

David: Chloroflurocarbons created the hole in our ozone layer.

Albert: You’ve named your dry cleaning store after a dangerous pollutant!

Beth: It’s too ironic! It will ruin your business.

Chris: Relax, it’s been that way since 1959. I’ll be fine.

Albert: That’s what I thought about my failed condom business.

Albert’s
Infectious
Defense
System.

AIDS!

Beth: Yes, and my now-defunct infant furniture store.

Beth’s
Antique
Bassinets.
Yellowing
Merchandise
Unwaveringly
Reliable
Despite
Evident
Repairs.

BABY MURDER!

David: And my out-of-print peaceful New Age philosophy book!

David’s
Altruistic
Theology
Encompassing
Religion
And
Practical
Ethics.
Developed
Reverently
Unto
God’s
Service.

DATE RAPE DRUGS!

Chris: But you guys worked so hard creating ironic acronyms that you were clearly more interested in being clever than being successful.

Anthony: Oh, good point.

Beth: Yeah, I never even cared about babies.

David: Now I regret changing my name from Hank.

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Imagine how much cheaper a haircut would be if they eliminated redundancies.

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Mr. Pibb, you’ll never become a doctor if you keep misspelling “extra.”

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