Farming Award

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen on Facebook.

Dora the Asphyxiated

On the next episode of Dora the Explorer, Dora learns she’s a thalidomide baby and suffocates herself.

5 dollar haircuts

Imagine how much cheaper a haircut would be if they eliminated redundancies.

Stupid Mr. Pibb

Mr. Pibb, you’ll never become a doctor if you keep misspelling “extra.”

The great blizzard of 2010

I apologize in advance for blowing your mind.

Jackie Chan: Stunt Neck

How exciting does Jackie Chan’s The Spy Next Door look?

This has the potential to make Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Kindergarten Cop look like Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier.

But The Spy Next Door won’t just revolutionize the “action star babysitting” genre.  Look at what Jackie Chan’s neck can do.

That’s not Photoshop.  Jackie Chan does all his own stunts, which means his neck is made of rubber.

For a spy movie, this changes EVERYTHING.  If a villain tied James Bond to a chair, but left a knife dangling directly behind his head, Bond would be powerless to get the knife and cut himself free before the excruciatingly slow moving laser cut him in half.  But with Jackie Chan, there is literally no trap he can’t get out of, provided the key to his escape is within his 360 degree biting radius.

Sorry super villians, your plans for world domination are no match against Jackie Chan’s Exorcist neck.

And if you’re still not excited about The Spy Next Door, check this out.

That’s right, it also features the creators of  Miley Cyrus and Lopez Tonight.  How they got the man responsible for some of most stupefyingly childish television of all time and Billy Ray Cyrus together, I’ll never know.

January 15th can’t come soon enough.

Flow Charts

I was thinking of becoming an infographic designer, but then realized I can never top this.

They might as well retire the industry.

Thanksgiving Art

I’m at my parent’s house and came across these Thanksgiving drawings I did as a kid. I hope you enjoy them.

H1N1 Fun?

I’ve been spending a lot of time working on a new video, so I don’t have a real post.  But I can show you a strange sign I came across a few days ago.

I’m not sure what’s going on here.  There’s nothing about the vaccine, so are they actually offering swine flu?  Or is it to warn you that swine flu is scary like Halloween?  Maybe the point that swine flu is fun like Jack O’ Lanterns.

Whatever it is, I doubt this place gets much walk-in business.

Hot Guys, Ugly Girls

This weekend, Couples Retreat debuted number one at the box office making 35.3 million dollars.

For those who don’t know, Couples Retreat is the hilarious story of four average to unattractive guys who don’t want to go on vacation with their hot girlfriends.

Contractually I wasn’t allowed to say anything until after the premier, but I wrote the original screenplay.  Here’s the movie poster I mocked up when shopping around the script.

As you can see, Hollywood completely ruined my original vision.  There are tons of women who relate with Kathy Bates’ struggle to be accepted based on her talents instead of looks; Kirstie Alley’s battle with weight gain; Whoopi Goldberg’s quick wit; and Rhea Perlman’s brash, take-no-guff personality; and these women would pay good money to vicariously live out their fantasy of having super hunky boyfriends.  I fought with the studio for months over casting, but in the end a movie exec told me point blank, “No one would ever believe Daniel Craig could find Kathy Bates attractive.”

Apparently, this couple is more believable.

Was I angry?  Of course.  But I shouldn’t have been surprised.  Here are a few other scripts I wrote that Hollywood totally destroyed.