Earlier this year the movie Taken, starring Liam Neeson as a father/spy who goes on a murderous rampage to save his kidnapped daughter, earned over 220 million dollars world wide. It’s understandable that they would make a sequel, but trailer was just released and I don’t understand some of their choices. Usually the problem with sequels is that they increase the stakes so much that things become too cartoony. This movie has the opposite problem.
Update 12/12/09 I’ve now seen the movie. You can read my thoughts here.
For those who don’t know, Avatar is James Cameron’s (Aliens, Terminator 2, Piranha Part Two: The Spawning) upcoming movie. He had the idea for 15 years, but had to wait for technology to catch up with his vision of 3d film projection and realistically rendered computer generated alien characters being controlled by actors covered in ping pongs.
Avatar’s budget is over 200 million dollars and features so much technological innovation that it’s already being hailed as the next revolution in film making, comparable to the Jazz Singer’s introduction of synchronized dialogue, Jurassic Park’s introduction of CG creatures, and The 40 Year Old Virgin’s introduction of Judd Apatow’s sensibilities on comedies.
So 15 years in the making, giant budget and lots of hype, but no one had seen a single frame until this past Friday when they released the trailer.
What could possibly go wrong?
To begin with, for the first half of the trailer it looks like James Cameron’s top secret grand vision was to make a really nice looking video game cut scene complete with:
Drably colored spaceships
a drably colored military
drably colored improbable landscapes
a drably colored commander bearing scars (literal and one assumes metaphorical) from a past war that will surely cloud his judgment in this current conflict.
and of course, drably colored Mechs.
So far, we’re off to an underwhelming start. Where are these aliens that represent the next step forward in computer generated imagery?
Oh, here’s one.
Wow! 15 years and 200 million dollars and we get CG aliens that look like people, but with slightly longer necks. That’s right, slightly longer necks!
What was once the sole province of Botticelli paintings
Is now available on the big screen, for the low price of four easy payments of the gross domestic product of Bulgaria.
These alien designs are terrible. Did James Cameron really wait 15 years until computer graphics technology could catch up with his vision blue Thundercats?
And while I’m on the subject of color, who did the color design, a box of Neon Crayolas? It’s a bad sign when your palette is outclassed by a romance novel cover.
Also, where is this movie taking place? A Mead Trapper Keeper folder from the 80′s?
All it’s missing is a unicorn. So I added one.
Now some people might complain that I’m being overly judgmental, because Avatar is meant to be seen in 3D. But I don’t buy that.
I’ve watched videos of fanboy reaction to the 3d footage shown in theaters, and most just raved about the sharp image quality. If you love sharp images might I suggest buying in a pair of glasses? You’ll be amazed for hours on end by all the detail you can see in the trees.
Another big selling point was the ability to see pores on the CG aliens’ faces. Well, if your enjoyment of a movie is derived primarily from bad skin, just watch the Wrestler.
Good special effects don’t make movies good. Good stories make movies good. And Avatar’s story, as best I can tell (Avatar spoiler alert!), centers around drab industrial humans trying to ruin the natural beauty of Unicorn planet. But through a scientific experiment, one of these drab humans becomes a blue alien so he can spy on their blue alien world. The only problem is he falls in love with a blue alien babe, learns to appreciate the wonder of their 80′s-fantasy-art world and ends up fighting against the humans to protect his new neon purple home planet.
And if that sounds familiar, it’s because that is also the plot of…
FernGully, the 1992 animated motion picture about a human named Zak who works for a logging company chopping down rainforests. That is, until he is shrunk down to fairy size by a magical fairy named Crysta who lives in the rainforest. At first he’s mad, but then discovers how beautiful the magical fairy-world-rainforest is, falls in love with Crysta, and helps the fairies fight against the evil logging company.
I don’t know what’s sadder. How disappointed I am by the Avatar trailer, or that I will still see the movie in theaters. What am I saying? The saddest thing is that I remember FernGully.
Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit. Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.
And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures. Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy. I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.
• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.
• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.
• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.
• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.
• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.
• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.
• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.
• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.
• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!
• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.
I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.
Xtranormal is a website whose tag line is “If you can type, you can make movies.” Who’d have thought the only thing setting Steven Spielberg apart from you was Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing?
Their process is amazingly simple: you just write what you want to happen and then Xtranormal turns it into an animated movie that is as good as you might expect.
Here’s my first short, entitled “Acting Coach.” I hope you enjoy it.
To: All scientists, secret operatives, henchmen, grounds crew, on site employees of Professor Death Skull Inc. and families thereof.
CC: Professor Death Skull
Re: Budgetary Concerns
The recent economic downturn has effected many industries, and even those of us in the Super Villain business are not immune. Sadly, threatening world safety is not as lucrative as it once was.
Like all of you, I am fully committed to extortion; chemical, biological and nuclear attacks; kidnapping; assassinations; genocide; and mass hysteria, but tough times lead to tough decisions. No one wants to be the bad guy, so as usual it falls to us in the Accounting Department.
The mortgage on our secret island doesn’t pay itself. And do you have any idea the kind of money needed to maintain our structurally precarious underground volcano lair?
Also, think about how much it costs to recruit, train, house, feed, and dress in identical jumpsuits a near endless supply of disposable generic henchmen.
Sgt. Freedom and his Liberty Brigade killed nearly four hundred of our men last year alone. And there’s only 5 of them! It doesn’t make sense to pour so much money into hired help if we’re not even teaching them basic marksmanship.
Make no mistake, our situation is dire. At our current rate we’ll be bankrupt in three weeks. We’d actually have gone belly up in the fourth quarter of last year if Professor Death Skull hadn’t wisely stashed away the MacArthur Genius Grant he won back when he was a successful scientist hiding an obsession with the occult.
I’m sure you’re all wondering what changes are in store, so let’s get down to brass tacks.
Right now we are not laying anyone off, but we do have to cut back on our cafeteria expenses. I’m afraid the surf and turf, macrobiotic buffets, and baked Alaska are a thing of the past. We’re still committed to the pizza Fridays, but they’ll be frozen Tombstone pizzas instead of fresh pies flown in from Naples.
Also we are canceling our satellite TV subscription. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the new season of True Blood, but it’s an unnecessary expense. Also the satellite dish is always breaking and it’s a nightmare getting a repair man here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Especially after last time when we killed the poor guy thinking he was attacking our base (though, to be fair, it was partially his fault considering he was three days late in showing up; a typhoon is no excuse for tardiness).
But here’s the big cut back. We have halted plans to simultaneously blow up the Sphinx, flood Venice, topple the Eiffel tower, decapitate the Statue of Liberty and have Michael Bay film the whole thing.
I know it’s a totally awesome plan and it’d make fantastic footage to incite fear as it’s played over and over again on cable news, but at the moment we don’t have the necessary capital.
I would, however, like to propose an alternate plan. What if we carry out the same attacks, but on the scale replicas in Las Vegas? And instead of Michael Bay, we use Uwe Boll (my cousin is friends with his podiatrist).
I know it doesn’t sound as spectacular, but it’ll be one eighth the cost and still look pretty cool on the news. Yes, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but this is the only way we can afford to continue offering our free day care service that so many of you rely on.
I’m not happy about this either, but that’s just the way it is for now. Hopefully things will pick up soon so that we’ll have the resources to really tear everything down. And if you have any questions, feel free to see me, I have an open (trap)door policy. My office is on subfloor 5, sector b, right past the lava pit and on your left. If you reach the giant laser cannon, you’ve gone too far.
My defense of said (seen?) thesis in written, Photoshopped and T-shirted form.
The age old battle between Star Wars and Star Trek is over. Star Wars won. And it won by convincing the latest Star Trek movie to join the Force.
Old Star Trek was about exploration, moral dilemmas and social criticism by way of ridiculous alien races.
New Star Trek is about sword fights on platforms hanging thousands of feet above the ground.
In other words, it’s Star Wars.
But looked at another way, Star Trek is the real winner because Star Trek is a whole lot better at being Star Wars than Star Wars ever was. Star Wars’s greatest strength is exciting the imaginations of ten-year-olds who then go on to imagine Star Wars being better than it actually is. For example, consider Boba Fett.
In the original trilogy, Boba Fett was a minor character with no personality who dies by basically losing his balance. That’s not very cool. But because Boba Fett was such a blank slate, fans projected something cool onto him and now they think his costume is so cool that no one will notice their gut.
When writing about Star Wars, one is contractually obligated to make at least one fat joke, even if it's a reach.
Next, let’s consider Kirk in the latest Star Trek. He’s brash, he breaks rules, he’s good looking and he gets what he wants. To put it another way, Kirk is everything fans want Han Solo to be.
And this Kirk wouldn’t shoot second. He wouldn’t even shoot first. He’d just sleep with Greedo’s mom.
So Star Wars fans win by getting the new Star Trek. But Star Trek fans, who appreciated all the tough moral choices and political ideals of Star Trek, still do okay because they have the new Battlestar Galactica series. Which means the only real losers here are fans of the original Battlestar Galactica.
Today’s movies are so predictable, the poster gives everything away. Let me save you some time and money by doing a quick movie round-up, based solely on their posters.
Crank 2
In a change of pace, action star Jason Statham hosts a documentary about the ethical issues surrounding executions by lethal injection and the electric chair.
Spoiler Alert: Statham comes to the conclusion it’s more humane if he just drop kicks them to death.
Inglourious Basterds
Quentin Tarantino takes us to the world’s most violent spelling bee in a very foggy Nazi Germany.
Spoiler Alert: Losers get their head cut off by Adolf Hitler, played by Samuel L. Jackson.
X-men Origins: Wolverine
Wolverine realizes he’s trapped in prison behind bars of his own making.
Spoiler Alert: Wolverine goes on a violent yet bloodless PG-13 rampage.
Adventureland
Through an unlikely mix up, an awkward boy ends up spending the summer in a Southeast Asian sweatshop making amusement park T-shirts for 20 hours a day, where he meets a girl way out of his league who inexplicably falls in love with him.
Spoiler Alert: He learns that sweatshops don’t just make cheap shirts in awful working conditions, they also make great coming of age stories.
Possession
Sarah Michelle Gellar can’t escape a creepy man the size of her nose who casts two shadows.
Spoiler Alert: Gellar eventually escapes, but not before she almost doesn’t.
The Boat that Rocked
It’s the colorful story of a pimp, businessman, hippie, and lounge singer who are all dangerously near-sighted.
Spoiler Alert: When all four learn to get along, the circling sharks don’t eat them.
Whiteout
On Christmas Eve, albino terrorists take over the country’s biggest opaque correction fluid factory, and only a very sexy and high contrast Kate Beckinsale (bundled in a decidedly unsexy Eskimo getup) can stop them.
Spoiler Alert: She kills the albino terrorist leader by drowning him in a vat of Wite-Out. When they try to fish out his body later, they can’t find it. Is it because he blends in too well, or did he escape into the sequel? Only box office receipts know for sure.
Up
Pixar’s latest masterpiece takes us on a helium induced psychedelic buddy road trip into our collective subconscious.
Spoiler Alert: Randy Newman sings to kids about the wonders of hallucinogenic drugs.
And there you have it, 8 new movies you’ve now seen. I just saved you almost 100 dollars. Please show your appreciation by sending me almost 100 dollars.
Gentlemen, thank you for coming. Kevin, John, please have a seat. Oh, and Mr. Spielberg we brought in a bejeweled couch for you to lounge on. Can I get you another gold leafed water bottle?
I’ll come right to the point. You all lost a ton of money in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. And Bernie, along with his evil wife who refuses to return any of their ill-gotten gains, have really stoked the flames of populist anger. A lot of people want their money back, or at least to see her suffer, and I think there’s money to be made in that.
Here’s the pitch. We shoot a documentary, Steven you of course direct, that follows Mr. Bacon and Mr. Malkovich as they track down Mrs. Madoff and steal back the money she refuses to return to swindled investors. If you can get it back without her noticing, that fine. If you get to beat the awful witch to death, all the better. It’s Oceans’ Eleven meets Bowling for Columbine only without that preening self righteous fat guy–no offense George Clooney, am I right? Zing!
See? K-Bakes is into it. Look at that smile. It’s not like he has any other offers. I bet it’s pretty lonely at home with Kyra always out shooting TNT’s smash hit The Closer. Give her my best.
Oh Malkovich, don’t shake your head. This is a no-brainer! Con Air, Rounders, Of Mice and Men? Are you kidding me? You’ve been preparing for this role your entire life!
Wait, Steven! Lay back down on your couch. Hear me out. I know you’ve always wanted to do a Dogma 95 style movie, and that’s the perfect way to do this. Also, if it’ll make you feel more comfortable, maybe we can write in an alien or Nazi character, or at least find some way to make the movie speak to your inner child that desperately seeks the strong male role model that you so obviously yearned for as a child.
Payments? Right. Well, we actually lost most of our money with Bernie as well, so we can’t offer you anything on the front end, but once you brutally murder Mrs. Madoff there should be more than enough to go around. Also, maybe we can work out some profit sharing back end deal. Hey, Larry King lost a bunch of money with Madoff as well, so I’ll bet we get free promotions on his show. He’s a tastemaker, right?
So, do we have a deal? Fantastic. I’ll have my assistant (who I stole this idea from in the first place) write up the contracts.
The Hunger Games is one of the most anticipated movies of 2012. The trailer came out last week and while I liked it, I think they went a little overboard with the product placement.
Advertising, Movies, Video | Adam | 
October 4, 2009 10:55 pm | 
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