Thinks!

I stopped doing Google search posts because I couldn’t imagine anyone else caring, but this is special. Right now, if you google “thinks,” I’m the 9th result.

I also look like a raging anti-Semite, so it’s a bit of a mixed blessing, but I’ll take it. Watch out Cogito ergo sum, I’m gunning for your number 7 spot next.

Farming Award

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen on Facebook.

Google: Parisian Oops

Here’s the latest from my UCB Comedy Beta team, The Brig

Google: Parisian Oops
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

Zack Phillips e-mailed us this idea fully formed and then within about 2 hours Nathan Russell (director) and Matt Mayer (editor) made it. I think it came out fantastic.

1 Laptop per 3rd World n00b

Here’s the second video from my UCB Comedy Beta team The Brig.

A quick warning, some of these visuals are NSFW, or at the very least not safe for moms.

1 Laptop per 3rd World n00b
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

I wrote, directed and animated it. Matt Mayer did narration. Zack Phillips was also really helpful during the rewriting process, batting around ideas and forcing me to really figure out what I was going for. Hurray teamwork!

Salmon Doubts Profit

Quit stealing from me, Internet!

Six years ago my graphic novel Salmon Doubts was published by Alternative Comics.

For over a year I shed blood, sweat and tears making this comic, and yet it made me less than 400 bucks. Financially, I would have done better moving to Indonesia and working at a sweatshop. For a long time I chocked up my failure (it’s currently ranked 1,736,726th in sales by Amazon) to the fact I was an unknown, independent comics don’t sell well, and a story about a bunch of fish that all look the same is like giving the middle finger to commercial viability.

Turns out, it’s actually the Internet’s fault, not mine. Someone scanned my comic and put it online for anyone to download and read provided they know how to unpack RAR files and also install Comical, a comic book reader available for Linux, Mac OS X and Windows. What’s worse, whoever stole my work really did a stellar job, it looks fantastic, which is why you never bothered to buy it! All you free loaders were stealing my hard work and reading it, not caring that you were take food from the mouths of my non-existent children. How can you live with yourself? Stealing and reading my work is a crime! Steal it. Read it.

It’s not all bad though. This finally gives me a way to monetize Salmon Doubts. Lawsuits!

Last year a Minnesota woman was fined 1.9 million dollars for illegally downloading 24 songs. That comes out to almost 80,000 dollars per song. My graphic novel Salmon Doubts has 128 pages, which at 80,000 dollars per page means anyone who downloads and reads my comic owes me 10.25 million dollars. Certainly, a fair price for one year of my work.

I beg you, please download and read Salmon Doubts. Just make sure you get caught (and have 10.25 million dollars) so I can finally quit my day job.

Beer Pong Success

As you should remember, two weeks ago I took up Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, on his offer of a reciprocal link exchange with a website that sells beer pong tables.

I was pretty disheartened when I didn’t get linked back immediately, so I began sending Mike a bunch of e-mails. Here’s one example.

From: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
To: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 6:38 PM

Hi Mike,

How was your Thanksgiving? Good, I hope. I’m e-mailing you because you still haven’t put my link on the EZ Beer Pong table, even after I’ve informed you multiple times of my link here http://adamthinks.com/beer-pong/

Is everything okay? I’m really looking forward to this link exchange. Please let me know as soon as the link is up.

Sincerely,

Adam

And what’s worse, Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, never responded to me. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been used. Can you not trust a man who gets paid 400 dollars a month to set up link exchanges with other websites? Are people inherently evil? Was the social contract written on a sheet of lies? When it thunders, is that not God bowling?

But Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, works in mysterious ways. Just when I had lost all hope, I received the following:

From: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 4, 2009 at 8:38 PM

Dear owner of http://adamthinks.com,

I’m pleased to inform you that your link was added to our site

Rarely does a single electronic correspondence redeem one’s faith in humanity. Let us gaze upon this miracle.

To you, this may be nothing more than a bunch of unrelated links cynically compiled to increase a website’s Google rank, but to me, it’s more like:

God bless you Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer. I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

Even More Google Searches

Here are some more interesting Google searches that brought people to my site, and how high Google ranks me in each search.

• 1st collectors plate stupid

• 1st was kathy bates ever attractive?

• 2nd dane cook acting out romeo and juliet

• 2nd find house wife in woodbridge

• 2nd I want to buy a chinook helicopter

• 4th can infertile couples get married in the catholic church

• 4th Is killing unicorns illegal

• 6th 3 character traits for Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code

• 6th why can’t people cut off elephants tusks in there sleep

• 8th how to make friends like on the tv show

• 9th illegal immigrants acting in movies

• 13th how write a letter to steven spielberg

• 13th benjamin franklin baby photo

• 15th how to take attractive pictures of yourself

• 36th when you take a picture of yourself how do you edit it so it looks like your meeting someone famous?

And my absolute favorite search (but it should be ranked higher)

• 5th adam sacks is great i love him!!!!!!!

Beer Pong!!!

I recently received a very exciting business proposition.

From: Mike Ciaccio <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 9, 2009 at 1:04 PM

Subject: Reciprocal Link Exchange Request

I visited your links page, http://adamthinks.com/wild-animals/, and I would like to exchange links with you from my web site: http://www.ezbeerpong.com.

Just reply to this email and I’ll add a link if you promise to link back when your link is up.

Sincerely,
mike ciaccio
link manager for http://www.ezbeerpong.com

Yeah, that’s right, if I link to the EZ Beer Pong website, Mike Ciaccio promises to link back to me! This is pretty awesome since there is no demographic I covet more than 18-22 binge drinkers. I can’t say no to your offer, Mike Ciaccio. Here’s your link.

Beer Pong Tables – Beer Pong Table manufacturer offering affordable portable beer pong tables.

But, you know what? I don’t think that link really expresses my love for EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio’s fantastic marketing strategy. So EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio (the more I say your name the higher I’ll be ranked when someone Googles you), let me help sell some of your novelty tables. No need to thank me Mike Ciaccio, just knowing that people pay you $450.00 a month to promote their website is thanks enough for me.

Why you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table?

First of all, when your girlfriend complains what a jerk you are, you can say, “What did you expect? I own an EZ Beer Pong table. Sure, when I want to play beer pong I could just put a door on some sawhorses, but I am so committed to the game that I own a table which is completely useless except for when I play beer pong. You knew what you were getting yourself into, now bring me a beer.”

Also, the EZ Beer Pong table is highly portable, so moving will be a breeze when you get kicked out of your apartment.

But the main reason you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table is because you can get it in the Tribal Blue pattern.

Which will go great with your back tattoo.

Seriously, EZ Beer Pong tables are fantastic, and if it wasn’t for Mike Ciaccio, I wouldn’t know about them. So as a thanks to Mike Ciaccio and his web marketing business (and as my attempt to become the number one Google result if you search Mike Ciaccio), I am offering my own link exchange.

If you link to this post using the following html code

<a href=”http://www.adamthinks.com/beer-pong”>Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer</a>

Which should look like this

Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer

let me know in the comments section and in return I will update this post to link back to you.

Now that’s an offer you can’t pass up.

People who appreciate Mike Ciaccio’s web marketing genius.

Jim’s Notes

How To Get An Attractive Girlfriend

Here’s the first comedy video I ever made, way back in 2007.

A little background: Two years ago, my website statistics told me that someone found my blog by googling “How to get an attractive girlfriend.” Somewhat amused, I tried the search myself and was shocked to discover that I was the ONLY website that came up. Not wanting to pass up a money making opportunity, I immediately made this infomercial.

Of course, if I was to make this video today, there are a lot of things I would do differently (three words: more sound effects) but it does have a certain charm.

And in case you’re wondering, I came up as a Google result because of this “review” I wrote of the movie Knocked Up.

Average guy gets hot girl by getting her pregnant. It sorta seems like a misguided fantasy a loser would come up with for how to get an attractive girlfriend.

Nominate Me

Mashable is having its 3rd annual Open Web Awards! Now I know what you’re thinking, “How can they possibly top the 2nd annual Open Web Awards?”

Anyway, from what I can tell on the competition’s website (which is impressively confusing for a site dedicated to social media junk), any website can be nominated under a bunch of different categories like Best Blogger, Most Funny (not Funniest?), and Most Inspiring.

The problem is, those categories will probably be hard to win, which is why I’m throwing my hat into the ring for Best Corporate Blog. I figure I’m a shoe in, since although I’ve never read a corporate blog, I’m assuming they’re pretty boring. So please help me out and click this elegant and unobtrusive nominating button Mashable is so kind to provide.

Now, some of you might point out that I am not in fact a corporation. Yes, it’s true I’m not a business and don’t make money, but with the economy these days, neither do most corporations. So vote for me.

Seriously, I need this. Nominate me.

Look, you don’t even worry about the nomination part. Just think of it as a fun game called Click the Graphic! That sounds fun, right?

Alright, you want to play hardball? How about I put in an adorable puppy as well? And a kitten. And a rainbow.

That’s all I got. What more do you want from me? Just click it already.