The #1 Dating Website

A lot of dating websites make promises, but only one delivers.  Here’s the latest video from my UCB Comedy team The Brig.

Warning: Unless you have headphones, it’s NSFW.

The #1 Dating Website
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

I wrote and edited this one, Nathan Russell directed it, Mackenzie Condon produced it, Jason Guerrero shot it and Mark Phillips wrote the music.  Nate wanted to play it very cute and innocent and I think Alden Ford and Laura Willcox did a great job.

Infographics

Recently I haven’t had the time to write new blog posts.  I was beginning to feel guilty until I received an e-mail that offered a solution.

From:  <redacted>
To:  Adam Sacks

Hello Adam Sacks,

I know you’re really busy, so I will try to make this quick and painless. My name is <redacted> and I work with a company that creates and distributes infographics. We are willing to pay you for every infographic you post.

Here are a couple examples of the work we do:

http://mashable.com/2010/05/10/ipod-revolution-infographic/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-clark-howard/the-meteoric-rise-of-crai_b_649183.html

http://www.neatorama.com/spotlight/2010/06/17/13-things-worth-knowing-about-super-mario/

We would love to provide you with content while paying you for it.

Wow!  Making money to not write?  That’s like getting paid to procrastinate, the holy grail for every writer.  Needless to say, I was very interested so I responded.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

As you know, my site gets a lot of traffic from highly educated visitors with very specific interests. Here is a list of some topics I would consider posting infographics about.

19th century Russian economic development in relation to the Crimean War.

Shifts in soil content of the Nunavut territory from the Precambrian to Neoproterozoic age.

The rise and fall of the Aristotelian worldview, specifically in regards to 18th century Enlightenment discoveries.

Changes in teapot construction during China’s Sung Dynasty.

The impact advances in fingerprinting technology had on local Chicago elections from 1942-58

And of course anything relating to non-Superstring theory solutions to the mathematical paradox between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics as a particle approaches a black hole.

Please let me know if you can provide content that would interest my readers.  I think this could be something that would benefit us both.
Adam

Less than an hour later I receive the following.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hi Adam,

Unfortunately we do not have graphics based on the topics you are asking about, sorry. What a bummer, I was looking forward to working with you.

Anyway, if you are ever open to other topics we have please feel free to contact me whenever.

Thanks for your time.
<redacted>

To which I responded.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

That is indeed a “bummer,” but I am not one to give up so easily.  Here are some topics that are a bit more mainstream.  I’d be a little surprised if you didn’t have something along these lines.

The evolution of square taper, loose ball bearing bottom brackets to external cartridge based bearing bottom brackets such as Shimano’s Hollowtech II, RaceFace’s X-type, or FSA’s MegaExo.

The deterioration over time of ganglioside biodegradation by hexosaminidase A in Tay-Sachs cells.

The effectiveness of the Budapest Defense in official US Chess Federation tournament play before and after the introduction of the Fischer Variation of the Ruy Lopez opening.

And again, I really do mean ANYTHING related to non-Superstring theory solutions to the mathematical paradox between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics as a particle approaches a black hole. I know you said you didn’t have anything about it, but maybe you were limiting yourself to non-Euclidean phase space geometry?

Thanks again for your time.  I look forward to a fruitful partnership.
Adam

Believe it or not, they wrote back.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hey Adam,

Your topic interests and ours seems to be a little off… haha Did you see our example of our infographics down in the first email?

We are able to distribute the ones we have to you but we are not going to be able to create new ones based on your topic interests.

Let me know what you think about ours and get back to me.

Talk to you soon,
<redacted>

Since this person seemed so willing to work with me, I figured I should try to be more accommodating in my requests.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Okay <redacted>,

I’d really like to work with you guys so I’m going to break my own rule here and say I’m willing to post something Superstring theory related.  I’d prefer it to not be about the Calabi–Yau manifold, but I am flexible if that’s all you have.

Looking forward to hearing from you.
Adam

Shockingly, they responded.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hey Adam,

The examples I sent you are all we have as far as layout goes. Are you going to be okay with that?

Then I remembered…

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

You know, I’ve been racking my brain all day, trying to think of a topic you guys might have that would interest my readers and then it hit me:

My readers also love video games.  Do you have any video game related infographics?
Adam

Sadly, they never responded.  I was pretty crushed until I did a quick Google search and found a Superstring theory infographic on my own.  Sure, I’m not getting paid 10 dollars to post it, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Synonym

Maybe they should rename themselves Irony.com

Thinks!

I stopped doing Google search posts because I couldn’t imagine anyone else caring, but this is special.  Right now, if you google “thinks,” I’m the 9th result.

I also look like a raging anti-Semite, so it’s a bit of a mixed blessing, but I’ll take it.  Watch out Cogito ergo sum, I’m gunning for your number 7 spot next.

Farming Award

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen on Facebook.

Google: Parisian Oops

Here’s the latest from my UCB Comedy Beta team, The Brig

Google: Parisian Oops
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

Zack Phillips e-mailed us this idea fully formed and then within about 2 hours Nathan Russell (director) and Matt Mayer (editor) made it.  I think it came out fantastic.

1 Laptop per 3rd World n00b

Here’s the second video from my UCB Comedy Beta team The Brig.

A quick warning, some of these visuals are NSFW, or at the very least not safe for moms.

1 Laptop per 3rd World n00b
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

I wrote, directed and animated it.  Matt Mayer did narration.  Zack Phillips was also really helpful during the rewriting process, batting around ideas and forcing me to really figure out what I was going for.  Hurray teamwork!

Salmon Doubts Profit

Quit stealing from me, Internet!

Six years ago my graphic novel Salmon Doubts was published by Alternative Comics.

For over a year I shed blood, sweat and tears making this comic, and yet it made me less than 400 bucks.  Financially, I would have done better moving to Indonesia and working at a sweatshop.  For a long time I chocked up my failure (it’s currently ranked 1,736,726th in sales by Amazon) to the fact I was an unknown, independent comics don’t sell well, and a story about a bunch of fish that all look the same is like giving the middle finger to commercial viability.

Turns out, it’s actually the Internet’s fault, not mine.  Someone scanned my comic and put it online for anyone to download and read provided they know how to unpack RAR files and also install Comical, a comic book reader available for Linux, Mac OS X and Windows.  What’s worse, whoever stole my work really did a stellar job, it looks fantastic, which is why you never bothered to buy it! All you free loaders were stealing my hard work and reading it, not caring that you were take food from the mouths of my non-existent children.  How can you live with yourself?  Stealing and reading my work is a crime!  Steal it.  Read it.

It’s not all bad though.  This finally gives me a way to monetize Salmon Doubts.  Lawsuits!

Last year a Minnesota woman was fined 1.9 million dollars for illegally downloading 24 songs.  That comes out to almost 80,000 dollars per song.  My graphic novel Salmon Doubts has 128 pages, which at 80,000 dollars per page means anyone who downloads and reads my comic owes me 10.25 million dollars.  Certainly, a fair price for one year of my work.

I beg you, please download and read Salmon Doubts.  Just make sure you get caught (and have 10.25 million dollars) so I can finally quit my day job.

Beer Pong Success

As you should remember, two weeks ago I took up Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, on his offer of a reciprocal link exchange with a website that sells beer pong tables.

I was pretty disheartened when I didn’t get linked back immediately, so I began sending Mike a bunch of e-mails.  Here’s one example.

From: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
To: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 30, 2009 at 6:38 PM

Hi Mike,

How was your Thanksgiving?  Good, I hope.  I’m e-mailing you because you still haven’t put my link on the EZ Beer Pong table, even after I’ve informed you multiple times of my link here http://adamthinks.com/beer-pong/

Is everything okay?  I’m really looking forward to this link exchange.  Please let me know as soon as the link is up.

Sincerely,

Adam

And what’s worse, Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, never responded to me.  I couldn’t help but wonder if I had been used.  Can you not trust a man who gets paid 400 dollars a month to set up link exchanges with other websites?  Are people inherently evil?  Was the social contract written on a sheet of lies?  When it thunders, is that not God bowling?

But Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer, works in mysterious ways.  Just when I had lost all hope, I received the following:

From: Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Dec 4, 2009 at 8:38 PM

Dear owner of http://adamthinks.com,

I’m pleased to inform you that your link was added to our site

Rarely does a single electronic correspondence redeem one’s faith in humanity.  Let us gaze upon this miracle.

To you, this may be nothing more than a bunch of unrelated links cynically compiled to increase a website’s Google rank, but to me, it’s more like:

God bless you Mike Ciaccio, master web marketer.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you.

Even More Google Searches

Here are some more interesting Google searches that brought people to my site, and how high Google ranks me in each search.

• 1st collectors plate stupid

• 1st was kathy bates ever attractive?

• 2nd dane cook acting out romeo and juliet

• 2nd find house wife in woodbridge

• 2nd I want to buy a chinook helicopter

• 4th can infertile couples get married in the catholic church

• 4th Is killing unicorns illegal

• 6th 3 character traits for Robert Langdon in The Da Vinci Code

• 6th why can’t people cut off elephants tusks in there sleep

• 8th how to make friends like on the tv show

• 9th illegal immigrants acting in movies

• 13th how write a letter to steven spielberg

• 13th benjamin franklin baby photo

• 15th how to take attractive pictures of yourself

• 36th when you take a picture of yourself how do you edit it so it looks like your meeting someone famous?

And my absolute favorite search (but it should be ranked higher)

• 5th adam sacks is great i love him!!!!!!!