A Housewife’s Press Releases

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Get Ready for More Press Releases!

Computer Room – June 5, 2009 – My son Danny just showed me how to make a press release in Microsoft Word (he’s a genius!). I feel so important and official!

My very own press release! Maybe now the neighbors will give us a little respect. Sure, we haven’t been able to afford lawn care recently, but I think the yard looks nice full dandelions. And anyway, Bill is up for a big promotion and raise, so I’m sure our lawn will be back to normal in no time.

But the real news is that our son Danny is the Hamilton Honda Little League team’s newest pitcher. He’s debuting this Saturday against Kiwanis, so come see our boy pitch before the Yankees sign him (haha!).

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

###

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

I Call Foul!

Computer Room – June 8, 2009 – Danny’s first game pitching for Hamilton Honda was not perfect, but a loss of 0 to 23 is no reason for the Hamilton Daily Record to describe Danny’s performance as “an abject failure.”

Danny showed a lot of promise, and I if it wasn’t for a few bad calls by the umpire I’m sure the game could have just as easily gone the other way.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

###

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Our Lovely Lawn

Computer Room – June 29, 2009 – Thank you for noticing our newly manicured lawn, but sadly Bill did not receive that promotion and raise. Due to the economy, his company laid of 70 percent of its employees, Bill included. But Bill being Bill, he used his free time productively and now we have the most beautiful lawn on the block!

And it doesn’t stop there. Bill has had so much free time, that just yesterday I came home to find him rearranging all the dishes and silverware in our kitchen. What a character!

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Supportive Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

###

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

An apology

The Basement – July 13, 2009 – I’d like to apologize for Bill’s outburst during Danny’s last baseball game. Bill’s been under a lot of pressure after his recent lay off and our resulting money problems. Mrs. Walters, I assure you it was the stress talking when Bill accused your son Kyle of steroid use after he hit that fifth home run against our Danny.

In other news, I’m open to anyone hiring Bill to take care of their lawn. He really needs to get out more. Bill has gone crazy rearranging our house (the computer is now in the basement, don’t ask me why!), and after he’s done in the garage I’m afraid he’ll next set eyes on my mint condition Princess Diana memorabilia plates. I’d die if he accidentally chipped one, they’re collectors items after all.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Concerned Wife
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

###

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

A sad day for baseball

My Mother-in-Law’s Den – July 27, 2009 – It is with a heavy heart that we must announce Danny’s resignation from the Hamilton Honda Little League team. Due to money problems, we’ve now moved in with Bill’s mother, and because she lives two towns over in Woodbridge, Coach Simpson says Danny is ineligible to continue playing for Hamilton Honda. It seems like a strange rule, but Coach Simpson is quite adamant that Danny can no longer play for his team. Thus Danny must reluctantly retire with a proud record of 0-12. I’m sure I speak for everyone on Hamilton Honda when I say he will be missed.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
63 Orchard Ave.
Woodbridge, CT

###

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Boys will be boys

My Mother-in-Law’s Attic – August 9, 2009 – Bill is back at it again; he completely rearranged his mother’s house! Now all the bedding is in the dining room hutch and the computer is in the attic (plugged into an extension cord that runs down to the bathroom). It’s awful, but whenever I encourage Bill to spend less time rearranging and more time job hunting, his mother accuses me of undermining his self confidence.

In other news, Danny is still sad about losing his spot on the baseball team, and apparently he has begun using eggs to take out this disappointment against car windows. Of course, this only came to our attention last night when the Officer Hayes escorted Danny home (and I can just tell Bill’s mother blames it all on me). Lucky for Danny, his pitching accuracy is so bad that he missed most of the cars and was let off with just a warning.

Danny doesn’t understand our current situation and always asks, “If you need money so bad why don’t you sell all your stupid Princess Diana plates?” Of course, those “stupid” plates are hand painted, mint condition collectors memorabilia. They constantly increase in value! Selling them now would be like throwing away the money they will be worth in the future. There are just some things you just can’t expect a 12-year-old to understand.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: The Only Sane One Left
63 Orchard Ave,
Woodbridge, CT

###

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Die Home Shopping Network, Die!

The Denny’s off I-95 South in Chester, VA- September 17, 2009 - Don’t ever believe the Home Shopping Network and their awful lies. Those Princess Diana plates I bought and held on to for 12 years aren’t even worth what I paid for them. Apparently faux-jewels do not appreciate in value no matter how often you polish them.

But it doesn’t matter, I took what money I could and got out of there. I’m free! Free from Bill and his laziness. Free from Danny and his new found delinquency and drug habit. But most of all free from Bill’s mother and her hateful eyes and silent judging.

Hitchhiking is a real hoot, and the long haul truckers are always happy to see me. I’ve never felt so appreciated in my life. I may not have much money or any idea where I’m sleeping tonight, but for the first time in a long time I’m happy. Really and truly happy.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: A New Woman
I-95 South
USA

###

Thoughts of Mike Haggar from Final Fight

I realize this is a strange thing to notice, especially considering that I’m on a violent street rampage against Mad Gear, the evil gang that recently kidnapped my daughter, but Metro City sure had a crazy urban planner. There’s only one street, no intersections at all, and it runs the entire length of the city from left to right, from my office to the man who kidnapped my daughter, and with no possibilities of making a wrong turn. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining-I’ve never been good at reading maps-but it sure is weird.

You know what else is weird? That I got elected mayor of Metro City! I’m a former professional wrestler; why entrust me with running a municipal government? You know, come to think of it, I haven’t once met someone who voted for me. The only people I ever run into in this town are Mad Gear goons trying to kill me, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t vote for me since the whole reason they kidnapped my daughter is because they don’t like my anti-crime policy.

Speaking of Mad Gear, the number of goons in their employ is astronomical. On this one block alone, I beat up nearly 40 guys (most of who must be related since they look so similar). Mad Gear’s payroll is probably double that of Metro City’s. And I can’t even imagine their total overhead once you factor in costs like the ridiculous numbers of knives and dynamite they throw at me. I understand Mad Gear wants to increase profits by eliminating an anti-crime mayor, but I bet they could do a lot better if they just laid off some people and used that capital to invest in legitimate businesses.

Wow, back when I was a professional wrestler, if you told me I’d one day be thinking about city payroll costs, I’d have called you crazy or attacked you with my signature professional wrestling move, the spinning clothesline.

But look at me now, worrying about budgets and stuff. Maybe I really am cut out for this mayor job after all. And as second careers go, you could do a whole lot worse than mayor of the most dangerous and corrupt city in the world.

Oh look, a bunch more gang members. Time to punch them to death.

Punch, punch punch, boy these guys go down easy. I’m like 100 times the man they are. Probably because before being elected mayor I was a professional wrestler, I don’t know if I mentioned that.

Also, after I get my daughter back, I’ve got to remember to make an appointment with my eye doctor. I’ve been putting it off for way too long. Things don’t look blurry, per se, it’s more like everything is…chunky, as if I see the world built out of squares or something. I wonder if it’s astigmatism.

Whatever the problem, I really hope I don’t need glasses. Glasses make anyone look weak and dorky, even a former professional wrestler like myself.

Hmm…that’s strange there don’t seem to be any more goons and–OH MY GOD! Look at this guy, he’s huge! I used to be a professional wrestler and this guy is twice my size.

Why is he a criminal? He should be a professional wrestler. I mean look at him, he’s already dressed for the job. But who am I to criticize anyone’s sartorial choices? After all, I am wearing green pants with one suspender that magically changes sides depending on which direction I face.

An Open Letter to Professor Death Skull Inc. Employees

Memo

From: Cyrus Steeltooth, Head of Accounting

To: All scientists, secret operatives, henchmen, grounds crew, on site employees of Professor Death Skull Inc. and families thereof.

CC: Professor Death Skull

Re: Budgetary Concerns

The recent economic downturn has effected many industries, and even those of us in the Super Villain business are not immune. Sadly, threatening world safety is not as lucrative as it once was.

Like all of you, I am fully committed to extortion; chemical, biological and nuclear attacks; kidnapping; assassinations; genocide; and mass hysteria, but tough times lead to tough decisions. No one wants to be the bad guy, so as usual it falls to us in the Accounting Department.

The mortgage on our secret island doesn’t pay itself. And do you have any idea the kind of money needed to maintain our structurally precarious underground volcano lair?

Also, think about how much it costs to recruit, train, house, feed, and dress in identical jumpsuits a near endless supply of disposable generic henchmen.

Sgt. Freedom and his Liberty Brigade killed nearly four hundred of our men last year alone. And there’s only 5 of them! It doesn’t make sense to pour so much money into hired help if we’re not even teaching them basic marksmanship.

Make no mistake, our situation is dire. At our current rate we’ll be bankrupt in three weeks. We’d actually have gone belly up in the fourth quarter of last year if Professor Death Skull hadn’t wisely stashed away the MacArthur Genius Grant he won back when he was a successful scientist hiding an obsession with the occult.

I’m sure you’re all wondering what changes are in store, so let’s get down to brass tacks.

Right now we are not laying anyone off, but we do have to cut back on our cafeteria expenses. I’m afraid the surf and turf, macrobiotic buffets, and baked Alaska are a thing of the past. We’re still committed to the pizza Fridays, but they’ll be frozen Tombstone pizzas instead of fresh pies flown in from Naples.

Also we are canceling our satellite TV subscription. I know a lot of you were looking forward to the new season of True Blood, but it’s an unnecessary expense. Also the satellite dish is always breaking and it’s a nightmare getting a repair man here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Especially after last time when we killed the poor guy thinking he was attacking our base (though, to be fair, it was partially his fault considering he was three days late in showing up; a typhoon is no excuse for tardiness).

But here’s the big cut back. We have halted plans to simultaneously blow up the Sphinx, flood Venice, topple the Eiffel tower, decapitate the Statue of Liberty and have Michael Bay film the whole thing.

I know it’s a totally awesome plan and it’d make fantastic footage to incite fear as it’s played over and over again on cable news, but at the moment we don’t have the necessary capital.

I would, however, like to propose an alternate plan. What if we carry out the same attacks, but on the scale replicas in Las Vegas? And instead of Michael Bay, we use Uwe Boll (my cousin is friends with his podiatrist).

I know it doesn’t sound as spectacular, but it’ll be one eighth the cost and still look pretty cool on the news. Yes, it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but this is the only way we can afford to continue offering our free day care service that so many of you rely on.

I’m not happy about this either, but that’s just the way it is for now. Hopefully things will pick up soon so that we’ll have the resources to really tear everything down. And if you have any questions, feel free to see me, I have an open (trap)door policy. My office is on subfloor 5, sector b, right past the lava pit and on your left. If you reach the giant laser cannon, you’ve gone too far.

My New Tax Plan: A Modest Proposal

Like everyone else in the rainbow coalition of white people (covering the spectrum from ivory to pearl) who attended Tea Parties across our great nation, I am sick and tired of the Federal Government taxing me to death. Just like Hitler, Obama–a Muslim extremist, communist, fascist, peace-loving wuss–wants to crush freedom by stealing my money to fund a universal health care program. This un-Christian, un-American concern for those less fortunate cannot stand.

Update: 8/11/2009
Buy the shirt

He Can’t Be All Four
$20

So with that in mind, I offer a new tax plan.

Now I’m not advocating the total elimination of taxes. As much as I want a weak national government unable to force its will on my life, I also want a strong national army able to force its will on other countries.

So the real questions is, how do we make sure all of our taxes go to the army?

And the answer is quite simple. Instead of paying taxes with money, we send the IRS actual weapons for the army to use (but we’ll have to ship them with FedEx since the United States Postal Service won’t transport guns and ammunition).

Depending on how much an individual makes, he or she could owe anything from a few boxes of bullets, to a FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank guided missile.

Just to give you an example, under my plan Joe the Plumber, who reported earning $40,000 in 2006, would owe two M16 assault riffles with M203 grenade launcher attachments, a M6 bayonet-knife, and three M40 series protective gas masks.

Finally paying your taxes will give you that warm, fuzzy, patriotic feeling that comes from understanding how you are directly contributing to the good of our country.

Another great thing about my plan is that it makes figuring out your taxes a piece of cake. Say goodbye to confusing forms and math. Say hello to drawings of guns.

Also my plan closes tax loopholes for corporations who will be responsible for big ticket items like B2 Stealth Bombers, Abrams Tanks and Aircraft Carriers. And as a way to keep track of their payments, corporations will have to put their logo on each purchase.

You have to admit, this is the perfect tax plan. It’s simple to use, easy to understand, and it ensures continued military dominance while completely crippling any communist agenda Obama has in store for us. After all, you can’t help a family in need with a lightweight, gas-operated, one-man-portable M249 Squad Automatic Weapon.

Movie Pitch Meeting: Killing Mrs. Madoff

Gentlemen, thank you for coming. Kevin, John, please have a seat. Oh, and Mr. Spielberg we brought in a bejeweled couch for you to lounge on. Can I get you another gold leafed water bottle?

I’ll come right to the point. You all lost a ton of money in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. And Bernie, along with his evil wife who refuses to return any of their ill-gotten gains, have really stoked the flames of populist anger. A lot of people want their money back, or at least to see her suffer, and I think there’s money to be made in that.

See? K-Bakes is into it. Look at that smile. It’s not like he has any other offers. I bet it’s pretty lonely at home with Kyra always out shooting TNT’s smash hit The Closer. Give her my best.

Oh Malkovich, don’t shake your head. This is a no-brainer! Con Air, Rounders, Of Mice and Men? Are you kidding me? You’ve been preparing for this role your entire life!

Wait, Steven! Lay back down on your couch. Hear me out. I know you’ve always wanted to do a Dogma 95 style movie, and that’s the perfect way to do this. Also, if it’ll make you feel more comfortable, maybe we can write in an alien or Nazi character, or at least find some way to make the movie speak to your inner child that desperately seeks the strong male role model that you so obviously yearned for as a child.

Payments? Right. Well, we actually lost most of our money with Bernie as well, so we can’t offer you anything on the front end, but once you brutally murder Mrs. Madoff there should be more than enough to go around. Also, maybe we can work out some profit sharing back end deal. Hey, Larry King lost a bunch of money with Madoff as well, so I’ll bet we get free promotions on his show. He’s a tastemaker, right?

So, do we have a deal? Fantastic. I’ll have my assistant (who I stole this idea from in the first place) write up the contracts.

Fine Art, Ugly Economy

As the New York Times reports, the art world is having to come to terms with the economy’s bleak outlook. And nowhere is that more true than with me. As you must know, I am a ridiculously successful fine artist, but now that collectors are spending less, I’ve had to scale back my grand vision. Here are a few of my would-be masterpieces that our failing economy has robbed you of.

1) A Monet Water Lilies painting decoupaged with hundred dollar bills.

2) A spoken word piece in which I convince people with minimum wage jobs to take out million dollar loans.

3) A shot for shot remake of the “Jessie Gets Strung Out on Caffeine Pills” episode of Saved By the Bell acted out entirely by Tom Hanks using motion capture software.

4) An equestrian sculpture of Alan Greenspan made of gold.

Yes, the world is a much poorer place without those works of art, but it’s not all bad news. Now I’ll finally have no choice but to debut my performance piece titled “Working at Burger King.”

So be on the look out for that. It’s a work that New York Times art critic Holland Cotter might very well call, “An unflinching exploration into making ends meet.”

Diversify Your Investment Executives: A Board Meeting

It looks like we’re all present, so I’ll now officially call this board meeting to order. I asked you here because I just learned that our economy completely broke down and we are armpit deep in debt. I realize this has been the situation for a while, but it’s not my fault everything fell apart during my bi-annual 6 month vacation to the middle of the Amazon jungle away from all lines of communication. Anyway, we’re in danger of bankruptcy here, so it’s time to come up with some ideas and…

My goodness, look at us. What a diverse and attractive group of executives we are. We’ve got everything, both black and white, young and old, and can it be, why yes, more women than men. What’s that Jim? You’re part Puerto Rican? Fantastic.

I’ve got it! All our financial woes are over. We close the company, saving on a lot of money on overhead in the process, and become stock photography models for situational business photos. Who would be better at forcing smiles in awkward corporate settings than us? We’ve been doing it for years. Sheila, don’t worry about our shareholders, I’ll deal with them. Once I explain how picture perfect we are, they’ll come around. Seriously, what company wouldn’t want our photo on their website to imply they have diversity, maturity and professionalism?

Okay Robert, that is a good point. Stock photo modeling isn’t a growth business, but it will give us a quick cash infusion. With that capital we can take it and invest it in… I’ve got it.

Another depression is coming and you know what that means. The re-emergence of vaudeville shows! We can take our diversity and shoe-horn it into broad racial humor for the unwashed masses’ amusement. I, of course, will be the master of ceremonies, and you all will be my dancing, singing stereotypes. And the best part is, by actually having African American actors, we’ll save so much money on blackface paint. Since we’ve a strict unspoken policy of not hiring black men, Katherine you’ll have to sing Old Man River. What’s that? I don’t know, can’t you get throat cancer or something in order to hit those low notes?

On top of song and dance, we’ll also need some impressive physical feats. Show of hands, who here can juggle eight pins, walk on a tight rope, ride a unicycle or do a back flip? No one? That’s too bad. How about knife throwing? Anyone? Robert, you were once arrested for threatening your wife with a knife so that’ll be your act in the show, and Beth you’ll be his assistant and balance the apple on your head. Don’t give me that face, Beth, what else can you do? I think we all remember your karaoke debacle at the last Christmas party.

Okay gang, good meeting. We had a frank and honest discussion of the situation, brainstormed freely and settled on the best course of action. I think everyone here has a clear list of actionable goals, so let’s get to work and turn this company around.

An Open Letter To Neel Kashkari

Dear Neel Kashkari,

As the Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability, i.e. the man in charge of handing out 700 billion dollars in government bailout, I’m sure you get a lot of letters asking for money.

I am not one of those people.

However, like the banks you’ve been bailing out, I recently lost all my money and could use a helping hand. I know the government bailout is meant for banks and not people who foolishly misspent all their money and now want an easy handout, but my situation is practically identical to that of the banks.

You see, Neel, banks lost their money when they spent all their money buying up mortgages and betting that the borrowers would not default, just as I lost my money at an Off Track Betting establishment, when I spent all my money on Mr. Squiggle Pants betting he’d place in the money.

Now Neel, I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But the banks did research, looked for indicators of success and weighed the pros and cons. They didn’t bet; they invested.” And sure, they checked with credit rating agencies who told them the loans were safe, but I did the same thing, Neel! Before I bet any money, Carl “One Thumb” Lesinski, a regular at the OTB, assured me that Mr. Squiggle Pants would win the race. On top of that, he assured me that despite his haphazard haircut and disturbing lack of teeth, he was always right. So you see, I wasn’t gambling either; I was investing.

In hindsight, had I known that Mr. Squiggle Pants was a three legged midget pony, of course I wouldn’t have put all my money on him, but I had assurances it was safe. Just like the banks had assurances it was safe to give half million dollars loans to people making minimum wage. If the banks can admit their mistake and get some free money, why not me?

So how much am I looking for? Well, I put my every last cent on Mr. Squiggle Pants, which was 10,000 dollars. Finding myself penniless, I started using my credit cards to pay for everything, but those interest rates are killer. I tried to take out a loan to pay off my credit card, but you know how scared banks are to lend money these days. Luckily I was able to talk a man by the name of Mr. Castillioni into giving me a loan–in cash no less. Unfortunately, it turns out his interest rates are in the high double digits and compound hourly. So now I find myself out quite a bit more, and that’s not even counting the hospital bills for my broken legs.

Adding up all the interest I owe, I’m looking for a government bailout of 1 million dollars. On the face of it, that is outrageous, but you are in charge of 700 billion dollars. 1 million out of 700 billion dollars is 0.000143 percent. To put that in perspective, that’s as if you had a pie and I asked to smell it.

Neel Kashkari, please let me smell your pie.

Sincerely,
Adam Sacks