Jersey Bore

For the past month everyone has been talking about MTV’s new show Jersey Shore, which follows a bunch of young Italian Americans spending the summer at (surprise!) the Jersey Shore. The general buzz was that Jersey Shore took MTV’s stupidity and debauchery to new heights. Having never seen the show, I believed the hype because why else would everyone talk about it so much?

I recently saw a few episodes however, and I was wildly disappointed.

Sure everyone is selfish and stupid. Yeah they drink constantly. Of course they hook-up a lot. But none of this is new. It’s exactly like MTV’s The Real World, just without the token angry black cast member.

So when Italian American groups call Jersey Shore racist for depicting negative Italian stereotypes, they miss the point. Jersey Shore cast members aren’t acting stupid because they’re Italian, they’re acting stupid because that’s what it takes to get through an MTV casting call. MTV isn’t racist. It’s ageist. Jersey Shore, just like all their “reality” shows, creates the stereotype that all 20-somethings act like idiots.

As far as I can tell, Jersey Shore is wildly popular for the same reason new Woody Allen movies are popular. Woody Allen made the same movie for decades and people eventually got bored. Then he started setting them in Europe and the new location and accents made the old formula seem new again.

All that being said, the one thing I like about Jersey Shore is that they work at a novelty t-shirt shop. So in that vein here are two shirts I made to reflect the MTV ethos.

I’m With Stupids
Printfection
$25

I’m Up Here
Printfection
$24

Nerd Shirts

Having been challenged to come up with the nerdiest novelty t-shirts imaginable, I gave it my all.

To be or not 2.0 USB
Printfection
$20

6.6.6 the IP of the Beast
Printfection
$25

Come on baby light my Firewire
Printfection
$20

What’s <3 but a second hand emoticon?
Printfection
$25

Sue Me Shepard Fairey

In April I wrote a post that included this image.

Since then I’ve received a few request to turn it into a T-shirt. I never did because I basically stole Shepard Fairey’s work and it seemed wrong to sell an image that I took from another artist and made minor tweaks to. But then I remembered that’s exactly what Shepard Fairey did with Mannie Garcia’s AP photo.

And not only that, Shepard Fairey then sued the AP saying he had the right to steal their image. Now that is one ballsy move. I can only hope he remains as principled about this shirt.

He Can’t Be All Four
Printfection
$20

Baby Vs Babyface

I know what you’re all thinking. “This whole BabyVersus thing is really weird, but eight weeks into it and I’m hooked. I now totally understand how vicious babies are. They’re like the sharks of the human world. If only there was merchandise I could buy.”

Well today is your lucky day because I present to you…

Baby Versus Infant Bodysuit
CafePress
$15.00

Finally, the whole world can see how tough your baby is. And if you don’t have a baby, buying one will imply you outfought a baby, which is something to be proud of.

Star Trek: The New Star Wars

My thesis, in video form.

My defense of said (seen?) thesis in written, Photoshopped and T-shirted form.

The age old battle between Star Wars and Star Trek is over. Star Wars won. And it won by convincing the latest Star Trek movie to join the Force.

Old Star Trek was about exploration, moral dilemmas and social criticism by way of ridiculous alien races.

New Star Trek is about sword fights on platforms hanging thousands of feet above the ground.

In other words, it’s Star Wars.

But looked at another way, Star Trek is the real winner because Star Trek is a whole lot better at being Star Wars than Star Wars ever was. Star Wars’s greatest strength is exciting the imaginations of ten-year-olds who then go on to imagine Star Wars being better than it actually is. For example, consider Boba Fett.

In the original trilogy, Boba Fett was a minor character with no personality who dies by basically losing his balance. That’s not very cool. But because Boba Fett was such a blank slate, fans projected something cool onto him and now they think his costume is so cool that no one will notice their gut.

When writing about Star Wars, one is contractually obligated to make at least one fat joke, even if it's a reach.

Next, let’s consider Kirk in the latest Star Trek. He’s brash, he breaks rules, he’s good looking and he gets what he wants. To put it another way, Kirk is everything fans want Han Solo to be.

And this Kirk wouldn’t shoot second. He wouldn’t even shoot first. He’d just sleep with Greedo’s mom.

So Star Wars fans win by getting the new Star Trek. But Star Trek fans, who appreciated all the tough moral choices and political ideals of Star Trek, still do okay because they have the new Battlestar Galactica series. Which means the only real losers here are fans of the original Battlestar Galactica.

But that’s okay, they were losers to begin with.

Trek is the new Wars
Printfection
$25

World’s Greatest Planet

Just in case you haven’t done all your Earth Day shopping, might I suggest

Worlds Greatest Planet
$13

You’ve never really tasted Fair Trade coffee, until you’ve sipped it from a CafePress mug made God knows where (dishwasher and microwave safe).

Now, some of you may complain that Earth Day was last week, but I for one think our planet is important enough that we should have at least a week to show our appreciation and market products.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, this mug was my friend Nick’s idea.

But since he’s too busy loving ice cream and the Nuge, I had him agree to let me steal the concept.

My New Tax Plan: A Modest Proposal

Like everyone else in the rainbow coalition of white people (covering the spectrum from ivory to pearl) who attended Tea Parties across our great nation, I am sick and tired of the Federal Government taxing me to death. Just like Hitler, Obama–a Muslim extremist, communist, fascist, peace-loving wuss–wants to crush freedom by stealing my money to fund a universal health care program. This un-Christian, un-American concern for those less fortunate cannot stand.

Update: 8/11/2009
Buy the shirt

He Can’t Be All Four
$20

So with that in mind, I offer a new tax plan.

Now I’m not advocating the total elimination of taxes. As much as I want a weak national government unable to force its will on my life, I also want a strong national army able to force its will on other countries.

So the real questions is, how do we make sure all of our taxes go to the army?

And the answer is quite simple. Instead of paying taxes with money, we send the IRS actual weapons for the army to use (but we’ll have to ship them with FedEx since the United States Postal Service won’t transport guns and ammunition).

Depending on how much an individual makes, he or she could owe anything from a few boxes of bullets, to a FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank guided missile.

Just to give you an example, under my plan Joe the Plumber, who reported earning $40,000 in 2006, would owe two M16 assault riffles with M203 grenade launcher attachments, a M6 bayonet-knife, and three M40 series protective gas masks.

Finally paying your taxes will give you that warm, fuzzy, patriotic feeling that comes from understanding how you are directly contributing to the good of our country.

Another great thing about my plan is that it makes figuring out your taxes a piece of cake. Say goodbye to confusing forms and math. Say hello to drawings of guns.

Also my plan closes tax loopholes for corporations who will be responsible for big ticket items like B2 Stealth Bombers, Abrams Tanks and Aircraft Carriers. And as a way to keep track of their payments, corporations will have to put their logo on each purchase.

You have to admit, this is the perfect tax plan. It’s simple to use, easy to understand, and it ensures continued military dominance while completely crippling any communist agenda Obama has in store for us. After all, you can’t help a family in need with a lightweight, gas-operated, one-man-portable M249 Squad Automatic Weapon.

We the People Survived The Bush Administration

A friend challenged me to improve upon this T-shirt.

As a fan of challenges and improvements, I had to give it a shot.

And, why not make it a print on demand shirt?

We the People Survived Bush..barely
$17

Because bashing Bush should never go out of fashion (pun totally intended).

Hobbits Are Real

For those of you who don’t have a Google Alert set for “Indonesia + Hobbit,” boy do I have news for you. According to this article, scientists found an 18,000 year old skeleton of a 3 foot tall hobbit. Apparently these little munchkins had brains smaller than a chimpanzee’s yet could make fire and hunt primitive elephants with their sophisticated stone tools. If that’s not cool enough, after analyzing the skull, scientists decided that no matter how awesome hobbit-love-making would be, we could not produce fertile offspring with them–i.e. they are a different species!

Of course my first thought was, “What a fantastic scientific discovery.” And my second thought was, “How can I make money off of this?”

So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you.

Forget dinosaurs, woolly mammoths or your dead cat, we need to get to work on cloning hobbits pronto. Woolly mammoths and cats are lame and on top of that I’d probably be allergic. Dinosaurs are cool but a bad idea because they are dangerous and have an insatiable appetite for Jeff Goldblum. But hobbits are cool and if they escaped, even with their “sophisticated” stone tools, they couldn’t do much worse than give everyone a case of the adorables.

Don’t believe me? Maybe this YouTube clip I made will convince you.

And that’s worst case scenario. Best case scenario, one throws some jewelry into a volcano and rids the world of nuclear bombs.

I never believed science should do something just because it can, but this is making me reconsider. And I’m not naive, I know the task ahead is difficult and will cost tens of hundreds of dollars, which is why I’m opening the gift shop a little early. So support science and amusement parks (Sciemusement parks? I call trademark) by purchasing this lovely shirt.

Hobbit Park
$25

So now that safety and funding has been taken care of, who has a PCR replication kit at their home? Let’s get started.