Of Mosque and Men

In case you haven’t read the news in the past month, there are plans to build an Islamic community center a few blocks from New York City’s Ground Zero. This has angered a lot of people who think the terrorists win if a moderate Muslim center is built nearby the site of of an Islamic-extremist terrorist attack.

Or to put it another way

Excellent point. If a Muslim country like Saudi Arabia forbids building churches and synagogues, we must do the same and ban mosques. We cannot afford a religious-intolerance gap!

And if we’re going to keep up with Saudi Arabia, there are a lot of other changes we need to make.

Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow public demonstrations. These anti-mosque protesters are actually hurting America by exercising a right Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow. That guy’s sign should really say

And when conservatives call for the repeal of the Fourteenth Amendment because it gives citizenship to babies of illegal immigrants born in America, they are missing a much bigger problem. What we really need to repeal is the Twenty-First Amendment, which repeals the Eighteenth Amendment which bans alcohol. Saudi Arabia has been beating us on the prohibition front for too long.

Also, Sarah Palin, I know you’re trying to help America, but you’re holding us back. Please consider my redesign of your book cover.

Because the only way to beat the terrorists is to become equally intolerant.

Lost Symbol

For those of you visiting because of the New York Times article about The Lost Symbol, my piece in question can be found here.

If you’re too lazy to click through, here’s a taste of what you’re missing out on.

Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: SPOILERS

Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit. Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.

And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures. Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy. I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.

• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.

• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.

• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.

• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.

• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.

• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.

• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.

• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.

• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!

• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.