Baby Vs Miss South Carolina

I probably should have re-edited this to go along with Sarah Palin’s quitting speech, but I’ve been busy.

Baby Vs Andrew Dice Clay

Arguably the Dice Man’s greatest audience ever.

Baby Vs Jester

This one’s for all you fans of pre-crazy Tom Cruise

And this is for all you fans of 80′s homoeroticism

And this is for all of you who wondered if I ever storyboarded a parody of that scene for a preschool cartoon.

Yes, that girl is playing beach volleyball with a seal, monkey and polar bear. No, that doesn’t make any sense. No, the show didn’t last two weeks. No, that’s not a surprise.

Baby Vs Babyface

I know what you’re all thinking. “This whole BabyVersus thing is really weird, but eight weeks into it and I’m hooked. I now totally understand how vicious babies are. They’re like the sharks of the human world. If only there was merchandise I could buy.”

Well today is your lucky day because I present to you…

Baby Versus Infant Bodysuit
CafePress
$15.00

Finally, the whole world can see how tough your baby is. And if you don’t have a baby, buying one will imply you outfought a baby, which is something to be proud of.

Baby Vs Numa Numa

Baby Vs Satanic Verses

Baby Versus gets meta.

Baby Vs Rabies

Even babies, the worlds most vicious killers, have an Achilles heel.

Baby Vs Dane Cook

Here are some more little known facts about the viciousness of babies.

• According to the military general Ptolemy, Alexander the Great conquered most of Mesopotamia before turning six months old.

• Human sacrifices in Ancient Maya were carried out by an elite priesthood of babies.

• British mariner Sir Francis Drake defeated the Spanish Armada in 1588 by throwing babies on board the Spanish ships, who then tore apart both ship and crew with their bare hands.

• The philosopher Descartes’ famous conclusion was originally Infantia formido ergo sum, or “I fear babies, therefore I am,” but after receiving multiple death threats scrawled on used diapers, he toned down his rhetoric.

Baby Vs Deathstar

It’s week three of Baby Versus. Hopefully by now you’re beginning to realize the danger babies pose to our society. Here are a few facts about babies you might not know.

• Because of their viciousness, Genghis Kahn used an army of 400 babies as his personal body guards.

• The hole is the ozone is caused by babies when they begin teething.

• Ancient Rome built the Coliseum to give its babies a place to quench their thirst for blood.

• Disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle are actually caused by a gang of mischievous Caribbean babies.

I’ll be back next week with another video and more baby facts. Unless the babies get me first.

Baby Vs Hasselhoff

Welcome to week two of Baby Versus.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why babies?”

And the answer is quite simple. Since the dawn of time people have assumed babies to be cute and helpless, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Babies are nature’s most perfect killer. Small and adorable, no one expects a baby attack until it’s too late. Babies are unrelenting fighters, their limitless energy no doubt generated from constant napping, whose underdeveloped cognitive capacity allows them to kill without remorse.