An Open Letter Regarding My Lack of Updates

Dearest readers,

I am very sorry for not updating my blog more often.  I was busy and denied you a new post for almost a whole week, and for that I throw myself at your feet and beg for the mercy we both know I don’t deserve.

I can’t even imagine how disappointing it was for you to check my website hour after hour, day after day, desperately hoping for a new post, only to realize I had abandoned you.  Here is an artist’s rendering of you after just one day.

Here is day three.

And day five.

All I can say is that I’m sorry.  Really truly deeply sorry.  I know that can’t take away the tears shed, clothes torn, hairs pulled, or the Gods forsaken, but please believe me when I say that hurting you also hurts me.

But it goes even deeper than that.   It’s not just you, the reader, I hurt, but the entire Internet because if there is one thing the web needs, it’s more blog posts.  There is a serious dearth of self-important, inane ramblings on the web, and for almost a week I was the problem instead of the solution.  So Internet, please accept my apology.

Though now that I think about it, I also owe the world an apology.  Thankfully, world somehow survived without new blog posts from me, but surviving is not the same thing as thriving.  Isn’t it possible that if I posted just a few more times last week, Israel and Palestine would have established real, lasting peace; GM would have rolled out a successful line of fully electric cars, thus ending global warming; and Bono would have found a way to feed the world through self-righteous music?  I very well could have blown a once in a lifetime opportunity to save the world, and for that I will be forever sorry.

There comes a time in every Internet reader’s life when they realize their blogger is not perfect, and I think for you that moment is now.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I make mistakes.  Other times I go to Ottawa for an animation festival.  But even other times I stand here as a blogger, asking you, as a reader, to forgive me, because isn’t forgiveness (and sharing data) why scientists invented the Internet in the first place?

Sincerely,
Adam

Sue Me Shepard Fairey

In April I wrote a post that included this image.

Since then I’ve received a few request to turn it into a T-shirt.  I never did because I basically stole Shepard Fairey’s work and it seemed wrong to sell an image that I took from another artist and made minor tweaks to.  But then I remembered that’s exactly what Shepard Fairey did with Mannie Garcia’s AP photo.

And not only that, Shepard Fairey then sued the AP saying he had the right to steal their image.  Now that is one ballsy move.  I can only hope he remains as principled about this shirt.

He Can’t Be All Four
Printfection
$20

Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: SPOILERS

Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit.  Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.

And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures.  Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy.  I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.

• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.

• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.

• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.

• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.

• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.

• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.

• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.

• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.

• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!

• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.

Berenstain Bears Gone Wild.

In my last post, I accepted the implied job offer of juice box art director at R.W. Knudsen Family.  As it turns out, they’re very interested in hiring me, but first want to see where I’d take the brand.  As a rule I don’t give out my ideas for free, but since this job would be my ticket to all-you-can-drink fruit juice for life, I made an exception.

First let’s remember what they started with.

So not only does everyone have the same poorly drawn three-eyed baleen whale head, the boxes are just plain boring.  It’s time for organic fruit juices to show the world just how badass all natural, no sugar added drinks really are.  And what says badass more than a bar fight?

Or 1930’s bank robberies?

Also, let’s branch out a little.  Most organic foods target the same small market.  But there are a lot more people out there who could really benefit from all natural fruit juices.  Like heroin addicts.

Also, if prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, they must have a lot of money saved up.  We should aggressively target that market.

So Mr. and Mrs. Knudsen, since you must be ridiculously impressed with my pitch, don’t even bother calling me to offer the job.  I’ll just show up Monday.  And tell your factory to get ready because I can drink a surprising amount of all natural fruit punch.

Fine Art, Ugly Economy

As the New York Times reports, the art world is having to come to terms with the economy’s bleak outlook.  And nowhere is that more true than with me.  As you must know, I am a ridiculously successful fine artist, but now that collectors are spending less, I’ve had to scale back my grand vision.  Here are a few of my would-be masterpieces that our failing economy has robbed you of.

1) A Monet Water Lilies painting decoupaged with hundred dollar bills.

2) A spoken word piece in which I convince people with minimum wage jobs to take out million dollar loans.

3) A shot for shot remake of the “Jessie Gets Strung Out on Caffeine Pills” episode of Saved By the Bell acted out entirely by Tom Hanks using motion capture software.

4) An equestrian sculpture of Alan Greenspan made of gold.

Yes, the world is a much poorer place without those works of art, but it’s not all bad news.  Now I’ll finally have no choice but to debut my performance piece titled “Working at Burger King.”

So be on the look out for that.  It’s a work that New York Times art critic Holland Cotter might very well call, “An unflinching exploration into making ends meet.”

Grand Teton’s Snake River, Mordor National Park

By popular demand, I’ve made the Ansel Adams’s, Lord of the Rings photoshop into a desktop background.

Choose your size

1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Wyoming, get ready for a New Zealand like spike in tourism.

Helping “Master” Photographers

I’m not one to disregard everything that has come before me, but let’s face it, a lot of so called “master photographers” weren’t all that great.  And the reason is quite simple.  They were born before the advent of Photoshop.  Thankfully there are people, such as myself, who can help them out.

Ansel Adams

Look, Ansel, you’re a master of controlling values, but anyone can hop in an RV, tool around some national park and take the same basic photo.  If only you weren’t so confined by reality, maybe you could have shown us something truly spectacular and worth talking about.  Something like…

Boom.  I don’t care how many times you’ve been to Grand Teton National Park, you’ve never seen it like this.

Update (1/18/09) I made this a desktop wallpaper.  Choose your size.   1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Walker Evans

Walker, the photos you took in the 30’s for the Farm Security Administration really bring home the suffering caused by the Great Depression.  But at some point during your journeys, you must have thought, “Why do they all have to be so gosh darn ugly?  And their skin, my god, have they never heard of moisturizer?”  At the time, you couldn’t fix these glaring problems, but I am more capable than you…

I’m sure Allie Mae Burroughs had a delightful personality, but look how much more delightful her personality is with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell’s face.

Brassaï

Hey Brassaï, nighttime photos of Paris are nice and all, but it’s called La Ville-Lumière, not La Ville-Too-Dark-To-Tell-What-You’re-Looking-At.  Your darkroom must have had some serious light leaks, but don’t worry, I’ve fixed it for you.

It’s called a Curves adjustment layer, and you’re welcome.

Man Ray

Oh, look at me, I have a crazy name and I do crazy things like expose my prints to bright lights during development so that dark areas become light and light areas become dark.  Those sorts of shenanigans may have impressed the fine art world in the 30’s, but you’ve got to step up your game.  Have you considered…

Lens Flares!  Now we’re cooking with avant-garde.

Alfred Eisenstaedt

Jeeze, your photo editor at Life must have been sleeping on the job the day you turned this photo in.  We just declared victory over Japan and all you got was a drab black and white photo.  Where’s the razzle dazzle, Al?

Now I know I’m supposed to be happy.  Also notice my subtle use of hearts, which help to reinforce the feeling of cheer without drawing undue attention to itself.

Robert Frank

Hey Bobby, what did they teach you over there in Swiss photo school?  Don’t you know the most important part of a person is their face?  You totally covered it up by the tuba.  Otherwise it’s a pretty decent photo, so let me help you out…

All better.  And if you look closely you’ll see I made the tuba player Dizzy Gillespie.  Sure it probably wasn’t Dizzy playing the tuba (I think he played the trombone or something), but it makes for a more interesting photo to have someone famous in it.

Diane Arbus

What is going on here?  Photos of kids are supposed to be cute and adorable, Diane.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this an F.  Lucky for you, all is not lost…

There’s a smile!  I also Steven Spielberged out the grenade and replaced it with a bunny, so you can sell it to Hallmark.  Thank me with a 20 percent cut from any subsequent sales.

Tom Kelley

Who knew when you were taking nude photos of a young starlet that she would one day become the world’s greatest sex symbol?  To bad that by today’s standards, Marilyn Monroe’s proportions make her a fat cow.  But all is not lost…

Va-va-voom!  Now that’s something the kids today will go for.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  There are so many terrible, awful photos from history that are in dire need of my help.  But I am only one man; there is only so much I can do.  Perhaps in the future I’ll do more to help, but for now I must go sleep the sleep of the righteous and just.