Superman Reboot

I’m pretty excited that DC Comics followed all my advice with the Superman reboot.

Here’s what I pitched them:

Dear DC Comics,

I think it’s time to give Superman a new costume. In today’s fast paced world, the name of the game is REALISM, but for almost 80 years Superman has been flying around fighting crime in spandex. Spandex! If Superman belonged to the Justice League of Olympic Figure Skaters maybe spandex would make sense, but he fights for justice, not triple sow cows. Superman deserves an outfit as realistic as the premise that an alien from another planet would look exactly like a human and be able to fly and shoot laser beams from his eyeballs.

To start with, get rid of his unrealistic skin tight spandex and replace it with a realistic skin tight t-shirt. I realize this is a huge change, so you should still put a big S on his chest so that everyone knows he’s Superman. Let’s be sure to give him jeans so tight they don’t need belt loops, and put patches on the knees to show that he can mend clothing (I’m always looking for ways to make costumes reflect personality traits).

Now let’s talk shoes. To be honest I never understood Superman’s footwear. They always looked like part of his leggings, as if he was wearing adult pajamas with booties. Not very realistic. Normally I’d say he should just wear boots, but boots are ridged and Superman needs a lot of lateral ankle flexibility. Lets split the difference and give him high-top, light weight moccasins. If you’re not clear on what that would look like I’m including an image of an an over-stuffed sausage that I photoshopped shoelaces onto.

As for Superman’s build, I’ve always felt he should be more muscular. Specifically in his arms. I’d go so far as to say that you should just invent extra muscles that don’t exist in humans (he IS an alien after all) and put them all in his forearms. Let’s also make his left arm triceps way more developed than his right. I’m not exactly sure why, but it’s good to set up stuff like that early so that when you do finally explain why, there’s a bigger pay off. Maybe it’s that Superman is actually a lefty, but he taught himself to use his right hand so that no one would suspect right-handed Clark Kent was actually left-handed Superman (believe it or not, I actually JUST came up with that).

And now my final change. It’s a pretty big one, so maybe you should take a deep breath. Did you take one? No? Okay, well don’t say I didn’t warn you. Two words:

Tiny. Cape.

It’s the perfect compromise. Superman’s cape is iconic, but in the real world he’d always be getting tangled up in it, and it would double his laundry load, which would really add up if he used a laundry service that charged by the pound (as any busy city-dwelling Metropolanite would). A tiny cape solves those problems while still giving Superman a striking silhouette as it billows in the wind behind him. Unfortunately because Superman is so big and the cape is so small, in order to keep the cape visible from all angles you’ll have to attach it under his left armpit. I realize a tiny armpit cape is a little unorthodox, but it’s a small price to pay to preserve both his cape and a realistic costume.

Well that’s about it I think you’ll find these changes will be very successful in gaining some short term attention from the mainstream media before you inevitably return to his old costume, only to change it again in another few years to get some more press. You know, you haven’t killed Superman in almost 20 years. Just saying…

Advice: How to Make Friends

When you become a hugely famous and respected intellectual, such as myself, people e-mail you with questions all the time. Usually I don’t respond because I want to appear aloof and distant even though I secretly love the attention, but there is one question that comes up so much I feel moved to respond.

I just moved to a new town and don’t know anyone. How can I make friends?

Great question people who really exist and e-mailed me this question that I didn’t make up as an excuse for the rest of this post.

First off, if you’re a really good cook, I’d suggest taking a cooking class so you can show off, look really cool, and make everyone want to hang out with you to learn your red wine reduction sauce secret.

Also, the Strictly Platonic section of Craigslistis is full of people just looking for friends and who aren’t too embarrassed to admit what they really want. Check out this guy, for example.

Wow. He obviously wants non-romantic female friends. Which brings me to my third suggestion: e-mail strangers cute love stories. Nothing says “I’m a well balanced individual seeking new friends” like sharing fantasies where your insecurities are overcome by plot contrivances.

But without a doubt, the number one best way to make new friends is to get on a reality television show. Why? Because every show has a loudmouth brassy cast member who truly cares about everyone else and aggressively wants to make friends. Don’t believe me? Watch this unedited video.

Well, I think I answered that question pretty thoroughly. If you’ve got a question that needs the type of quality answer only I can provide, feel free to e-mail me.