An Open Letter To Neel Kashkari

Dear Neel Kashkari,

As the Interim Assistant Secretary of the Treasury for Financial Stability, i.e. the man in charge of handing out 700 billion dollars in government bailout, I’m sure you get a lot of letters asking for money.

I am not one of those people.

However, like the banks you’ve been bailing out, I recently lost all my money and could use a helping hand. I know the government bailout is meant for banks and not people who foolishly misspent all their money and now want an easy handout, but my situation is practically identical to that of the banks.

You see, Neel, banks lost their money when they spent all their money buying up mortgages and betting that the borrowers would not default, just as I lost my money at an Off Track Betting establishment, when I spent all my money on Mr. Squiggle Pants betting he’d place in the money.

Now Neel, I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But the banks did research, looked for indicators of success and weighed the pros and cons. They didn’t bet; they invested.” And sure, they checked with credit rating agencies who told them the loans were safe, but I did the same thing, Neel! Before I bet any money, Carl “One Thumb” Lesinski, a regular at the OTB, assured me that Mr. Squiggle Pants would win the race. On top of that, he assured me that despite his haphazard haircut and disturbing lack of teeth, he was always right. So you see, I wasn’t gambling either; I was investing.

lulu In hindsight, had I known that Mr. Squiggle Pants was a three legged midget pony, of course I wouldn’t have put all my money on him, but I had assurances it was safe. Just like the banks had assurances it was safe to give half million dollars loans to people making minimum wage. If the banks can admit their mistake and get some free money, why not me?

So how much am I looking for? Well, I put my every last cent on Mr. Squiggle Pants, which was 10,000 dollars. Finding myself penniless, I started using my credit cards to pay for everything, but those interest rates are killer. I tried to take out a loan to pay off my credit card, but you know how scared banks are to lend money these days. Luckily I was able to talk a man by the name of Mr. Castillioni into giving me a loan–in cash no less. Unfortunately, it turns out his interest rates are in the high double digits and compound hourly. So now I find myself out quite a bit more, and that’s not even counting the hospital bills for my broken legs.

Adding up all the interest I owe, I’m looking for a government bailout of 1 million dollars. On the face of it, that is outrageous, but you are in charge of 700 billion dollars. 1 million out of 700 billion dollars is 0.000143 percent. To put that in perspective, that’s as if you had a pie and I asked to smell it.

Neel Kashkari, please let me smell your pie.

Sincerely,
Adam Sacks