3 Degrees of Failure

Okay team, huddle up. I got some bad news. I just checked the weather and we failed. This January 16th was not the coldest January 16th on record.

We missed it by three degrees. Three measly degrees. Just think how close we were to having a weather man–or woman, thank you Cindy–say on every future January 16th, “It sure was a cold one, but not nearly as cold as January 16th 2009.” And then we could point at the television and say to our children and grandchildren, “That was me. I was a part of that.”

But somebody here dropped the ball, and now we’re just another forgotten January 16th. I know I did my part. I stood outside for 6 hours handing out ice cubes to whoever would take them. Wearing no jacket either. For lunch I ate five ice cream sandwhiches. And I’m diabetic too, so you can’t say I’m not making sacrifices.

Look, I’m not trying to “play the blame game” or point fingers, but I want to know whose fault this is. Amy, did you turn the heat off in your house? No? You’re on thin ice with this team, I don’t care how young your baby is. And what about you, Richard? Sell that Hummer yet? You drove it to the store to buy hot chocolate mix? It’s those sorts of unforced errors that cost us the record. At least tell me no one changed their underwear since the cold snap we got hit with last week. Really, David? We were on a roll and you had to go and jinx us.

And yes Betsy, I do remember that we won the hottest day on record for November 14th, but we have to look forward not backward. Also, the hottest day on record in June is an accomplishment. In November, that’s like winning the tallest midget contest. No offense Jim. I didn’t see you down…I mean over there.

But do you know what really kills me? We lost out to January 16th 2004! You know what the number one movie in America was that day? Along Came Polly. You’re telling me we’re not better than a day in which a forgettable Ben Stiller romantic comedy ruled the cineplexes?

You know, maybe this is my fault. Maybe winning the coldest day in recorded history for that day is a fools goal. Maybe my obsession has only stolen 10 years of my life, three of my toes and any possibility of a sustainable relationship. Maybe I should just give up and get a respectable job and have a respectable goal like setting up the perfect home entertainment system.

But this is America. And in America, with enough hard work and determination, you can acheive anything–even the coldest day on record for that day. So you all can give up, but I’m committed to my goal. For victory, for glory, for numbness in the extremities.