You say iPad, I say iPod

Really?

Naughty MacBook Pro Unboxing

The Upright Citizens Brigade Theater recently put together Beta teams to make videos for their UCBcomedy website.  I tell you this because I am on one of the teams.  Our name is The Brig (we’re on Twitter @TheBrigComedy), and we just uploaded our first video.

You should watch it (warning NSFW).

I wrote it.  Matt Mayer (voice in my iPhone parody and actor in College Regrets and cinematographer of 2010 Novelty Glasses) directed, Mackenzie Condon produced, Nate Russell shot and edited it and Mike Costabile did the music.

Working in a group is a lot of fun. Having 7 other comedy people look at your writing and give feedback really helps to improve scripts.  Some of my favorite lines are punch-ups that Jon Gutierrez added.

It also really helps having great performers like Thomas Middleditch and Andrée Vermeulen be in the video and add some improvised lines.

Salmon Doubts Profit

Quit stealing from me, Internet!

Six years ago my graphic novel Salmon Doubts was published by Alternative Comics.

For over a year I shed blood, sweat and tears making this comic, and yet it made me less than 400 bucks.  Financially, I would have done better moving to Indonesia and working at a sweatshop.  For a long time I chocked up my failure (it’s currently ranked 1,736,726th in sales by Amazon) to the fact I was an unknown, independent comics don’t sell well, and a story about a bunch of fish that all look the same is like giving the middle finger to commercial viability.

Turns out, it’s actually the Internet’s fault, not mine.  Someone scanned my comic and put it online for anyone to download and read provided they know how to unpack RAR files and also install Comical, a comic book reader available for Linux, Mac OS X and Windows.  What’s worse, whoever stole my work really did a stellar job, it looks fantastic, which is why you never bothered to buy it! All you free loaders were stealing my hard work and reading it, not caring that you were take food from the mouths of my non-existent children.  How can you live with yourself?  Stealing and reading my work is a crime!  Steal it.  Read it.

It’s not all bad though.  This finally gives me a way to monetize Salmon Doubts.  Lawsuits!

Last year a Minnesota woman was fined 1.9 million dollars for illegally downloading 24 songs.  That comes out to almost 80,000 dollars per song.  My graphic novel Salmon Doubts has 128 pages, which at 80,000 dollars per page means anyone who downloads and reads my comic owes me 10.25 million dollars.  Certainly, a fair price for one year of my work.

I beg you, please download and read Salmon Doubts.  Just make sure you get caught (and have 10.25 million dollars) so I can finally quit my day job.

A message to Jay Leno from Jack Paar

First off

Though I can see where Leno is coming from.  He dutifully hosted The Tonight Show for 17 years, brought NBC great ratings, and yet was forced out of his job by someone less successful.  If that happened to me, I’d be pretty angry.  Especially if the guy before me worked for 30 years and retire when he wanted to.

But Jack Paar, The Tonight Show’s second host, said something on his last show, 48 years ago, that is still relevant today.  Give it a listen (it’s only 23 seconds long).

I like that last part.  “Having run out of fresh, exciting, new ideas to bring you myself, I feel I should give somebody else a turn.”

Leno was number one in the ratings, but he wasn’t fresh or exciting.  If anything, his Tonight Show was like a dorodango.

If you don’t know, dorango is the Japanese art of taking dirt and polishing it into a shiny ball.  Sure, it takes hard work to smooth out the bumps.  And yes, a lot of people like the gloss, but underneath it’s still just dirt.  And dirt isn’t interesting.

Though when did people care about what’s interesting?  If anything, it’s amazing someone as different as Conan even got 7 months on The Tonight Show.  Also, let’s not forget all this hubbub really boils down to choosing which rich white guy will tell us dick jokes at night.  If America is satisfied with Jay’s average penis jokes, that’s their loss.

Hollywood Walk-Off

For movies, January and February are usually a boring time when the Hollywood studios, after blowing all their cash promoting year end oscar-baiting films, release sub-par movies no one cares about.  But not this year!  In the coming weeks, a battle of epic proportions will be waged in theaters across the country by Hollywood’s A-list talent.  I’m speaking of course, about the Hollywood Walk-Off.

The battle begins January 22nd with the release of Extraordinary Measures.

Which tells the stirring story of Harrison Ford and Brendan Fraser, reprising their roles from Indiana Jones and The Mummy, as they walk through a hallway paved in brick, or some sort of indoor horse stable.  Advanced buzz says Brendan Fraser’s performance is so good Harrison Ford generously gave him top billing.

The next week, Mel Gibson walks out from the Edge of Darkness.

Mel Gibson plays a married cop angrily walking around, looking for his gun holster.  Word on the street is Mel intentionally starred in a bad studio film to prove the Jews in Hollywood are ruining America.

Soon after, John Travolta and Jonathan Rhys Meyers join the fray in From Paris With Love

Travolta plays a chemo patient who decides traditional treatment isn’t working and decides to walk to cancer’s front door and kill it once and for all.  Rhys Meyers plays a straight laced cancer specialist who initially tries to stop Travolta, but then realizes gun battles are the only way to defeat such a terrible disease.  Since this is based on a story by Luc Besson, the movie probably thinks it’s a lot better than it actually is.

And for those concerned this Walk-Off is a total sausage fest, comes Girl on the Train.

About a girl cursed to walk the earth surrounded by a radial blur that obliterates any person who tries to get physically or emotionally close to her.

I’m excited.  I don’t think we’ve seen walking of this caliber since 1992’s Reservoir Dogs.

Jersey Bore

For the past month everyone has been talking about MTV’s new show Jersey Shore, which follows a bunch of young Italian Americans spending the summer at (surprise!) the Jersey Shore.  The general buzz was that Jersey Shore took MTV’s stupidity and debauchery to new heights.  Having never seen the show, I believed the hype because why else would everyone talk about it so much?

I recently saw a few episodes however, and I was wildly disappointed.

Sure everyone is selfish and stupid.  Yeah they drink constantly.  Of course they hook-up a lot.  But none of this is new.  It’s exactly like MTV’s The Real World, just without the token angry black cast member.

So when Italian American groups call Jersey Shore racist for depicting negative Italian stereotypes, they miss the point.  Jersey Shore cast members aren’t acting stupid because they’re Italian, they’re acting stupid because that’s what it takes to get through an MTV casting call.  MTV isn’t racist.  It’s ageist.  Jersey Shore, just like all their “reality” shows, creates the stereotype that all 20-somethings act like idiots.

As far as I can tell, Jersey Shore is wildly popular for the same reason new Woody Allen movies are popular.  Woody Allen made the same movie for decades and people eventually got bored.  Then he started setting them in Europe and the new location and accents made the old formula seem new again.

All that being said, the one thing I like about Jersey Shore is that they work at a novelty t-shirt shop.  So in that vein here are two shirts I made to reflect the MTV ethos.

I’m With Stupids
Printfection
$25

I’m Up Here
Printfection
$24

And so close to Christmas

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan Denderson: Merry Christmas everyone, I’m Dan Denderson.

Robin Rochelle: And I’m Robin Rochelle.  Our top story tonight: Tragedy strikes as a house in Edison collapses, severely injuring a mother, father and two children.  A sad story, all the sadder because it happened on Christmas.

Dan: You hate to hear about something like this on Christmas, Robin.

Robin: It is especially tough this time of year, Dan.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: We begin tonight with a sad story.  A local ASPCA kennel burned down, killing almost fifty adorable puppies.  And to think, just two days after Christmas.

Robin: Such a shame, so close to the holidays.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Shocking news tonight.  An entire little league baseball team dead, crushed to death by a meteorite, a mere 24 days after Christmas.

Dan: The timing must make it extra hard on the families.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Tonight, horror on the highway.  A special needs school bus overturned on Route 84, killing everyone on board.  And just 4 days, 7 weeks after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Tonight, the unthinkable as a heard of rabid cows trampled to death the majority of residents in Essex County, just 132 days after Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Sad news tonight.  James Spader, star of such movies and TV as Secretary and Boston Legal, died tonight of spontaneous combustion.  His death, all the more tragic as today is Secretary’s Day.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: Heartbreak tonight, as the local Mattapan Rose Day Parade ended early when an elderly float driver lost control of his vehicle, killing 47 bystanders.  Residents can at least take some small comfort in the fact that today, June 25th, is as far from Christmas as possible.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: Lots of unanswered questions tonight as 84 members of the Solomon’s Pillar cult died today in an apparent mass suicide.  Authorities are still investigating how such a thing could happen with Christmas just 3 months, 1 week and 6 days away.

And now, the Action News at five.

Robin: This Thanksgiving, there’s not a lot for one family to be thankful for as a 16 year old boy shot and killed his entire extended family a mere 35 days before they could all meet again for Christmas.

And now, the Action News at five.

Dan: And finally tonight, a real life Scrooge stole all the presents donated to the Montclair Elementary School toy drive, just three days before Christmas.

Robin: How could someone do that, Dan?  At this time of year?

Dan: Around Christmas.  Hard to believe, Robin.

Robin: Now, of all times, Dan.

Dan: This time of year, it really is so sad.

Robin: It really is the worst time of year to ruin Christmas.