Phone transcript: Michaele & Tareq Salahi’s agent

The first phone call

Agent: MSNBC, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you get the exclusive first interview with my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi.

You’re damn right they snuck into the White House state dinner, and for four hundred and fifty thousand dollars they’ll tell you all about it first.  That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay you play hardball, I respect that.

Well…they can also talk about what type of hors d’oeuvres the White House serves.  Were there get pigs in a blanket?  How about chicken satay?  I don’t know, but Michaele and Tareq do, and they’ll tell you for four hundred thousand dollars. That’s NEWS baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Really?  You want more than that?  Did I mention this is ratings GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  They can also tell you what Barack Obama smells like.

Yeah, that’s right, they smelled him, and they’re willing to talk all about it.  Does he wear Old Spice?  Is he a Power Stick man?  Michaele and Tareq know and they’re willing to spill everything for three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That’s NEWS, baby!  Ratings GOLD!

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The eighth phone call

Agent: Random House, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you offer my clients Michaele and Tareq Salahi a book deal for three hundred thousand dollars.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews.  Forget those fluff pieces!  Michaele and Tareq want to tell the REAL story and the only way to do that is in a book.  That’s NEWS, baby!  New York Times Bestseller GOLD!

What’s their story?  Well, how did they get past the Secret Service?  Think of all the subterfuge and espionage; it’s like a Tom Clancy novel only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

You want more than that?  Really?  Did I mention this is New York Times Bestseller GOLD?  I did?  Okay, just checking.

How about this?  The book will also reveal what happened in their childhoods that led them to sneak into a White House stat dinner.  Think of all the pathos; it’s like a David Sedaris book only better because it’s all real, and it can be yours for an advance of two hundred thousand dollars.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

The twenty sixth phone call

Agent: Red Light District Video, how the hell are you?  I’m doing freakin’ fantastic, and you will be too once you hear what my clients, Michaele and Tareq Salahi are offering.

You’re damn right we skipped the TV interviews and book deals, those media are dead.  We’re looking to the future, to movies.  Specifically sex tapes.  And Michaele and Tareq Salahi are willing to sell you their sex tape for one hundred thousand dollars.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Sure, she’s an anorexic skeleton and he’s an overstuffed sausage, but they snuck into a White House state dinner, so who wouldn’t want to see them fornicate?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!  And it can be yours for seventy five thousand dollars.

Really?  They’re not good enough for you?

Common man, you released the Screech sex tape!  Okay, I guess Dustin Diamond has accomplished more than Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but they did sneak into the White House.  That has to be worth something, right?

How about fifty thousand dollars and we include another woman?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

No deal?  Did I mention they snuck into the White House?

Okay, how about ten thousand dollars and they agree to some backdoor action?  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

Okay, you play hardball.  I respect that.

How about five thousand dollars and we don’t rule out farm animals.  That’s movie MAGIC, baby!

What?  You’re crazy to turn that down.

Okay, last offer.  Two Wendy’s combo meals and we guarantee one donkey.

Hello?  Are you there?  Hello?

Thanksgiving Art

I’m at my parent’s house and came across these Thanksgiving drawings I did as a kid. I hope you enjoy them.

Trailer for new Robert De Niro movie

Robert De Niro has a new holiday movie coming out called Everybody’s Fine. I have to admit, the trailer surprised me.

Beer Pong!!!

I recently received a very exciting business proposition.

From: Mike Ciaccio <linkmanager@mikeciaccio.com>
To: Adam Sacks <adam.sacks@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Nov 9, 2009 at 1:04 PM

Subject: Reciprocal Link Exchange Request

I visited your links page, http://adamthinks.com/wild-animals/, and I would like to exchange links with you from my web site: http://www.ezbeerpong.com.

Just reply to this email and I’ll add a link if you promise to link back when your link is up.

Sincerely,
mike ciaccio
link manager for http://www.ezbeerpong.com

Yeah, that’s right, if I link to the EZ Beer Pong website, Mike Ciaccio promises to link back to me!  This is pretty awesome since there is no demographic I covet more than 18-22 binge drinkers.  I can’t say no to your offer, Mike Ciaccio.  Here’s your link.

Beer Pong Tables – Beer Pong Table manufacturer offering affordable portable beer pong tables.

But, you know what?  I don’t think that link really expresses my love for EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio’s fantastic marketing strategy.  So EZ Beer Pong and Mike Ciaccio (the more I say your name the higher I’ll be ranked when someone Googles you), let me help sell some of your novelty tables.  No need to thank me Mike Ciaccio, just knowing that people pay you $450.00 a month to promote their website  is thanks enough for me.

Why you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table?

First of all, when your girlfriend complains what a jerk you are, you can say, “What did you expect? I own an EZ Beer Pong table.  Sure, when I want to play beer pong I could just put a door on some sawhorses, but I am so committed to the game that I own a table which is completely useless except for when I play beer pong. You knew what you were getting yourself into, now bring me a beer.”

Also, the EZ Beer Pong table is highly portable, so moving will be a breeze when you get kicked out of your apartment.

But the main reason you should buy an EZ Beer Pong table is because you can get it in the Tribal Blue pattern.

Which will go great with your back tattoo.

Seriously, EZ Beer Pong tables are fantastic, and if it wasn’t for Mike Ciaccio, I wouldn’t know about them.  So as a thanks to Mike Ciaccio and his web marketing business (and as my attempt to become the number one Google result if you search Mike Ciaccio), I am offering my own link exchange.

If you link to this post using the following html code

<a href=”http://www.adamthinks.com/beer-pong”>Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer</a>

Which should look like this

Mike Ciaccio: Master web marketer

let me know in the comments section and in return I will update this post to link back to you.

Now that’s an offer you can’t pass up.

People who appreciate Mike Ciaccio’s web marketing genius.

Jim’s Notes

I Would Hate To Be You

I just directed a music video for the song “I Would Hate To Be You” by my very talented friend Peter Squires. You need to watch it.

The song is from Peter’s album Woe is Me which you can download for free at PeterSquiresSongs.com

And yes, that is me as the jerk in the video.

How To Get An Attractive Girlfriend

Here’s the first comedy video I ever made, way back in 2007.

A little background: Two years ago, my website statistics told me that someone found my blog by googling “How to get an attractive girlfriend.”  Somewhat amused, I tried the search myself and was shocked to discover that I was the ONLY website that came up.  Not wanting to pass up a money making opportunity, I immediately made this infomercial.

Of course, if I was to make this video today, there are a lot of things I would do differently (three words: more sound effects) but it does have a certain charm.

And in case you’re wondering, I came up as a Google result because of this “review” I wrote of the movie Knocked Up.

Average guy gets hot girl by getting her pregnant. It sorta seems like a misguided fantasy a loser would come up with for how to get an attractive girlfriend.

College Regrets

Last week I shared the first rejected commercial I made for Horizon Vocational Tech.  Here is the second one.

Written, directed, edited by me.

Produced by Matt Mayer.

Starring Lauren Adams, Josh Patten and Shaun Diston.

Lauren was also the unfortunate ex-girlfriend in my iPhone commercial.

College Isn’t For Everyone

I was hired to write and direct a series of commercial for a local school.  They rejected all of them, but what do they know?  Here’s the first one.  I’ll share the second one next week. (UPDATE: Here’s the second one)

Written, directed, edited by me

Produced by Matt Mayer

Starring Matt Mayer and Jordan Boughrum.

If Matt’s voice sounds familiar, that’s because he also did the narration on my iPhone commercial.

H1N1 Fun?

I’ve been spending a lot of time working on a new video, so I don’t have a real post.  But I can show you a strange sign I came across a few days ago.

I’m not sure what’s going on here.  There’s nothing about the vaccine, so are they actually offering swine flu?  Or is it to warn you that swine flu is scary like Halloween?  Maybe the point that swine flu is fun like Jack O’ Lanterns.

Whatever it is, I doubt this place gets much walk-in business.