Lazy Halloween Costumes

I realize I’m in the minority here, but I don’t care about Halloween.  I’ve got enough stuff going on, I don’t feel like coming up with a costume that I’ll wear once and have destroyed in a crowded party.  But no one likes spoilsport, so here are a few ideas I mocked up.  Please let me know which costume you think I should go with.

There’s the more traditional route.

Or something more conceptual.

Maybe something a bit more highbrow?

There’s always the meta option

Or the old standby

You’ve seen the candidates, now it’s time to vote.

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Nominate Me

Mashable is having its 3rd annual Open Web Awards!  Now I know what you’re thinking, “How can they possibly top the 2nd annual Open Web Awards?”

Anyway, from what I can tell on the competition’s website (which is impressively confusing for a site dedicated to social media junk), any website can be nominated under a bunch of different categories like Best Blogger, Most Funny (not Funniest?), and Most Inspiring.

The problem is, those categories will probably be hard to win, which is why I’m throwing my hat into the ring for Best Corporate Blog.  I figure I’m a shoe in, since although I’ve never read a corporate blog, I’m assuming they’re pretty boring.  So please help me out and click this elegant and unobtrusive nominating button Mashable is so kind to provide.

Now, some of you might point out that I am not in fact a corporation.  Yes, it’s true I’m not a business and don’t make money, but with the economy these days, neither do most corporations.  So vote for me.

Seriously, I need this.  Nominate me.

Look, you don’t even worry about the nomination part.   Just think of it as a fun game called  Click the Graphic!  That sounds fun, right?

Alright, you want to play hardball?  How about I put in an adorable puppy as well?  And a kitten.  And a rainbow.

That’s all I got.  What more do you want from me?  Just click it already.

More Google Searches

The weird Google searches that lead people to my website continue.  Here’s a bunch, all from the last month, in order of their Google ranking.

gorillas dancing to the electric slide – 1st!!!

botticelli paint aliens – 1st

how mcdonalds advertising give you a warm fuzzy feeling – 1st

what is a good thesis for a paper on battle star galactica – 2nd

why honor wolf blitzer – 2nd

A POOR BOY HELPING A BLIND MAN WITH ONLY A PHOTO – 2nd

statue of old man with skull and wild animal – 2nd

im writing a letter to mountain dew so what do i use for there address – 3rd

french sissies – 4th

pituitary gland dan brown – 4th

what you can smell in russia – 5th

are guys ugly? – 5th

former news anchor on fox, blonde, chubby -6th

Angela Merkel NAKED PICTURE – 6th

Here’s what Angela Merkel looks like clothed.

what’s worse than a hobbit – 8th

i’m tired of the government stealing my money – 8th

girls who date frat boys will regret it later – 9th

letter why I want to be editor in chief – 9th

“juice box” onan -9th.  Creepy considering Onan is the biblical figure who God killed because he “spilled his seed.”

alien unicorns – 10th

rearranging den for mother – 15th

is God okay with soap operas – 15th

will a gorilla rape a person? – 19th

Yes, all of these were within a 30 day period.  If this keeps up, I’ll have to make Google searches a monthly post.

Catholic Church Woos Anglicans

For those who don’t know, the Catholic Church recently changed their rules, making it easier for Anglicans to convert to Catholicism, but still keep many of their religious traditions.

Here is a transcript of the debate within the Catholic Church that led to this decision.

…

Pope Benedict XVI: I have solved the Catholic church’s greatest problem!

Camerlengo Tarcisio Bertone: World poverty?

Pope: No.  How to get more converts to Catholicism.

Camerlengo: That’s good too.  What’s your plan?

Pope: Well, a lot of Anglicans don’t like that their church allows gay clergy, so I’m thinking we woo them to become Catholic.

Camerlengo: Excellent idea, your Excellency!  We shall convince them to join us, the true Church of Christ and forsake their heretical Anglican liturgy and shameful practice of allowing priests to get married.

Pope: No.  I’m thinking we’ll let them keep all that, but we’ll just count them as Catholic.

Camerlengo: But isn’t it our rules and traditions that make us Catholic?

Pope: Nah.  What really makes us Catholic is our disdain for the gays.  Many Anglicans also dislike gay people and we need more converts, so what’s the harm in letting them join us while also ignoring our two thousand years of tradition.

Camerlengo: I suppose that makes a certain amount of sense…

Pope: And I’m not stopping there.  Most Orthodox Jews also disapprove of gay people, so I’m going to start counting them as Catholics as well.

Camerlengo: But they don’t even accept Jesus Christ as the son of God!

Pope: Stop worrying about details!  What really matters is that they hate gays.   We also need to canonize some new saints to highlight the importance of homophobia in Catholicism.

Camerlengo: Do you have someone in mind?

Pope: Eminem.  Listen to these lyrics of his, “My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge. And I’ll stab you in the head, whether you’re a fag or les. A homosex, hermaph, or a transeves. Homophobic? Hey fags, the answer’s yes.”  Beautiful stuff.  I wonder if we can add that to Corinthians somewhere.

Camerlengo: Your Excellency, don’t you think this is a little extreme?

Pope: We must do something to draw more sheep into our flock.

Camerlengo: If we’re looking to expand, wouldn’t it make more sense to open our doors to the gay community?  Didn’t Jesus preach about love?

Pope: But gay couple can’t have babies.  That’s a sin against God.

Camerlengo: Neither can an infertile couple.  Should we discriminate against all infertile people?

Pope: Of course not.  Infertile people aren’t gross like the gays.

Camerlengo: Ugly people are pretty gross.  Should we discriminate against ugly people?

Pope: No, because ugly people can still have babies.

Camerlengo: So we should discriminate against gays and ugly, infertile people?

Pope: That might work.

Camerlengo: Have you looked in the mirror lately?  You look like a Mogwai that’s eaten after midnight.

Pope: Need I remind you how infallible I am?

Greta Van Susteren

Here’s an ad I saw in the subway for Greta Van Susteren’s TV show.

Bold. Powerful. Persistent.  I could not agree more.  No one is more bold in persistently asking the powerful dumb questions.

An Open Letter Regarding My Lack of Updates

Dearest readers,

I am very sorry for not updating my blog more often.  I was busy and denied you a new post for almost a whole week, and for that I throw myself at your feet and beg for the mercy we both know I don’t deserve.

I can’t even imagine how disappointing it was for you to check my website hour after hour, day after day, desperately hoping for a new post, only to realize I had abandoned you.  Here is an artist’s rendering of you after just one day.

Here is day three.

And day five.

All I can say is that I’m sorry.  Really truly deeply sorry.  I know that can’t take away the tears shed, clothes torn, hairs pulled, or the Gods forsaken, but please believe me when I say that hurting you also hurts me.

But it goes even deeper than that.   It’s not just you, the reader, I hurt, but the entire Internet because if there is one thing the web needs, it’s more blog posts.  There is a serious dearth of self-important, inane ramblings on the web, and for almost a week I was the problem instead of the solution.  So Internet, please accept my apology.

Though now that I think about it, I also owe the world an apology.  Thankfully, world somehow survived without new blog posts from me, but surviving is not the same thing as thriving.  Isn’t it possible that if I posted just a few more times last week, Israel and Palestine would have established real, lasting peace; GM would have rolled out a successful line of fully electric cars, thus ending global warming; and Bono would have found a way to feed the world through self-righteous music?  I very well could have blown a once in a lifetime opportunity to save the world, and for that I will be forever sorry.

There comes a time in every Internet reader’s life when they realize their blogger is not perfect, and I think for you that moment is now.  I am not perfect.  Sometimes I make mistakes.  Other times I go to Ottawa for an animation festival.  But even other times I stand here as a blogger, asking you, as a reader, to forgive me, because isn’t forgiveness (and sharing data) why scientists invented the Internet in the first place?

Sincerely,
Adam

Mad About Who?

Much as been written about Obama receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.  Does he deserve the award?  Is it a political liability?  How should he go about accepting it?

What no one has mentioned yet, is the real precedent for this situation.  No, I’m not talking about Theodore Roosevelt, Woodrow Wilson, or Henry Kissinger.  I’m speaking, of course, about the Emmy Awards and the NBC sitcom Mad About You starring Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt.

You see, even though Paul Resier created Mad About You, he never once received an Emmy, while Helen Hunt won four times in a row for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series.  Sure Helen Hunt was more dynamic than Paul Reiser, who relied mainly on his everyman quality, but she only shined because he worked selflessly for eight years to make her look great.  Sadly, award ceremonies rarely appreciate the Paul Reisers of the world, but in all four of her acceptance speeches, Helen Hunt said he deserved half of her Emmy.

So Obama, when you go to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace prize, be sure to thank the guy who worked really hard for eight years to make you look good.  And maybe bring a hacksaw or something, so you can give him his fair share of the award.

Hot Guys, Ugly Girls

This weekend, Couples Retreat debuted number one at the box office making 35.3 million dollars.

For those who don’t know, Couples Retreat is the hilarious story of four average to unattractive guys who don’t want to go on vacation with their hot girlfriends.

Contractually I wasn’t allowed to say anything until after the premier, but I wrote the original screenplay.  Here’s the movie poster I mocked up when shopping around the script.

As you can see, Hollywood completely ruined my original vision.  There are tons of women who relate with Kathy Bates’ struggle to be accepted based on her talents instead of looks; Kirstie Alley’s battle with weight gain; Whoopi Goldberg’s quick wit; and Rhea Perlman’s brash, take-no-guff personality; and these women would pay good money to vicariously live out their fantasy of having super hunky boyfriends.  I fought with the studio for months over casting, but in the end a movie exec told me point blank, “No one would ever believe Daniel Craig could find Kathy Bates attractive.”

Apparently, this couple is more believable.

Was I angry?  Of course.  But I shouldn’t have been surprised.  Here are a few other scripts I wrote that Hollywood totally destroyed.

The FTC Won’t Let Me Be

You may have heard that the Fascist Trade Czar, or FTC for short, has decided that blogs must disclose any payment they receive for giving products favorable reviews. This is distressing for a couple of reasons.

First of all, aren’t there more important things to worry about on the internet?  Like shutting down CuteOverload.com so I can get some work done.

Or letting me have CuteOverlord.com so I can put up this photo.

But what really annoys me is that these out-of-touch Washington politicians know more about the internet than I do.  You can get paid to blog if you review products?!?  I want into that game.

Here’s what I’m thinking.  The FTC’s new rule won’t stop companies from paying for fake reviews.  Instead, it will just force these “reviewers” to find more creative ways to disclose their payments.

So let’s say you send me a book to review and include fifty bucks.  I’ll write it a glowing review that includes at least three of the following words: masterful, poignant, arresting, stunning, fascinating, insightful, important, brilliant, unique, gripping, compelling, fantastic, superb, eloquent, touching, dazzling, striking, imaginative, witty, entertaining, delightful, heartwarming, engaging, triumphant, profound, inventive, effective, haunting, amusing, nuanced, smart, original, memorable, tremendous, powerful, charming, or Sedaris-esque.

Then, after my thesaurus-assisted review, I’ll end with this line:  But you don’t have to take my word for it, isn’t that right, former president Ulysses S. Grant?

You see by admitting I’ve done something wrong and then underplaying it by jokingly overplaying it, I’ve diffused the situation.  I call this the David Letterman approach.

Obviously, the amount you pay me will determine how much I like your product. so consider these other options.

Or,

And also…

That’s my offer.  Balls in your court, giant-conglomerate-corporation-with-new-product-you-lack-confidence-in.

Taken: The Sequel: The Trailer

Earlier this year the movie Taken, starring Liam Neeson as a father/spy who goes on a murderous rampage to save his kidnapped daughter, earned over 220 million dollars world wide.  It’s understandable that they would make a sequel, but trailer was just released and I don’t understand some of their choices. Usually the problem with sequels is that they increase the stakes so much that things become too cartoony.  This movie has the opposite problem.