Advice: How to Make Friends

When you become a hugely famous and respected intellectual, such as myself, people e-mail you with questions all the time. Usually I don’t respond because I want to appear aloof and distant even though I secretly love the attention, but there is one question that comes up so much I feel moved to respond.

I just moved to a new town and don’t know anyone. How can I make friends?

Great question people who really exist and e-mailed me this question that I didn’t make up as an excuse for the rest of this post.

First off, if you’re a really good cook, I’d suggest taking a cooking class so you can show off, look really cool, and make everyone want to hang out with you to learn your red wine reduction sauce secret.

Also, the Strictly Platonic section of Craigslistis is full of people just looking for friends and who aren’t too embarrassed to admit what they really want. Check out this guy, for example.

strictly-platonicWow. He obviously wants non-romantic female friends. Which brings me to my third suggestion: e-mail strangers cute love stories. Nothing says “I’m a well balanced individual seeking new friends” like sharing fantasies where your insecurities are overcome by plot contrivances.

But without a doubt, the number one best way to make new friends is to get on a reality television show. Why? Because every show has a loudmouth brassy cast member who truly cares about everyone else and aggressively wants to make friends. Don’t believe me? Watch this unedited video.

Well, I think I answered that question pretty thoroughly. If you’ve got a question that needs the type of quality answer only I can provide, feel free to e-mail me.

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