Advice: How to Make Friends

When you become a hugely famous and respected intellectual, such as myself, people e-mail you with questions all the time.  Usually I don’t respond because I want to appear aloof and distant even though I secretly love the attention, but there is one question that comes up so much I feel moved to respond.

I just moved to a new town and don’t know anyone.  How can I make friends?

Great question people who really exist and e-mailed me this question that I didn’t make up as an excuse for the rest of this post.

First off, if you’re a really good cook, I’d suggest taking a cooking class so you can show off, look really cool, and make everyone want to hang out with you to learn your red wine reduction sauce secret.

Also, the Strictly Platonic section of Craigslistis is full of people just looking for friends and who aren’t too embarrassed to admit what they really want.  Check out this guy, for example.

Wow.  He obviously wants non-romantic female friends.  Which brings me to my third suggestion: e-mail strangers cute love stories.  Nothing says “I’m a well balanced individual seeking new friends” like sharing fantasies where your insecurities are overcome by plot contrivances.

But without a doubt, the number one best way to make new friends is to get on a reality television show.  Why?  Because every show has a loudmouth brassy cast member who truly cares about everyone else and aggressively wants to make friends.  Don’t believe me?  Watch this unedited video.

Well, I think I answered that question pretty thoroughly.  If you’ve got a question that needs the type of quality answer only I can provide, feel free to e-mail me.

The Real World: United Nations

This is the true story of 192 countries picked to live in a house, work together, and have their lives taped and translated. Find out what happens when countries stop being polite and start getting real.

Get desktop wallpaper version here

Iraq’s room

Iraq: America, get out already!

America: I was just helping you hang some curtains.

Iraq: They’re up.  They’re a little crooked, but they’re up.  And hopefully better than those old Venetian blinds you tore down.  But whatever, you need to get out.  Also, can I borrow 100 bucks?

America: I thought you were getting a job at the gas station.

Iraq: That’s not working out as well as we hoped.  Give me some money.

…

The living room

China: What’s up, America?  Want to watch Julie & Julia?  I got it on DVD.  The picture’s a little shaky, but you can still tell what’s going on.

America: Maybe later.  But hey, while I’m here, Iraq needs 100 bucks, so can I borrow 200 hundred bucks?

China: Okay, but you have to promise to not get mad when I leave my trash everywhere, torture my house guests and switch your toothpaste with lead.

America: Deal.

…

The kitchen

Israel: You put your finger in my peanut butter, Palestine.

Palestine: You stole my peanut butter.

Israel: No, I was given your peanut butter.  You can’t just put your finger in it.

Palestine: I can do whatever I want with MY peanut butter.

Palestine’s cousin kicks Israel in the shins.

Israel: Damnit Palestine!

Palestine: Hey that was my cousin, not me.

Palestine winks at his cousin.

Israel punches Palestine in the face.

Palestine’s cousin give’s Israel a dead-leg.

Israel puts Palestine in a headlock.

America: Hey guys, knock it off!

Israel and Palestine: NO!

Palestine’s cousin kicks America in the crotch.

America: Sonofa!

America farts on Palestine.

Palestine: See?  You always take his side!

…

The front door

Italy: Ahh, you’ve come at last, my darling.

Young Hot Babe: Tee hee.

France: Hey Italy.  You have to stop inviting all these strange girls over.

Young Hot Babe: Giggle, giggle.

Italy: I can do what I want!

France: Yeah, but there’s just so many of them and we don’t know who they are.  What if they try to steal something?  Show a little restraint.

Italy: You are just jealous.

France: I’ve got a supermodel wife.

Italy: Touché

France: Also, put on some pants.  You’re embarrassing yourself.

…

House meeting

Afghanistan: Why was I brought to this meeting?

America: You’ve got to start cleaning your bathroom.

Afghanistan: I resent the implication!  My bathroom is spotless.

England: Everyone can smell it.  The whole house reeks.

Afghanistan: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

America: Look, Afghanistan, I’ll come in and help you clean up.

Russia: Oooh, America.  Ix-nay on the elp-hay.

America: Why?  What’s wrong.

Russia: I once tried getting in there and couldn’t handle it.

America: That was a long time ago.  I’m sure it’ll be different with me.

Russia: Your funeral.

…

Outside Iran’s door

America: Hey, Iran, we need to talk.

Iran pokes his head out

Iran: What do you want?

England: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: Look, we know you’re making a meth lab in there.

Iran: No I’m not.  That’s ridiculous.

America: Can we come in?

Iran: No.

France: If you don’t let us in in the next month or so, there will be terrible consequences.

Iran: You’ll kick me out of the house?

England: Worse.  We’ll make you pay a larger share of the utilities.

Iran: What?  That’s crazy.  China, you’re okay with this?

China: It’s nothing personal.

Iran: Typical.  And Russia, you too?  What about bros before G.I. Joes?

Russia: Oh man, Iran.  Don’t be like that.  You know you’re my brother from another mother, but seriously, you could blow up the house.

Iran: Whatever.  North Korea’s got tons of crazy stuff in his room.

North Korea: (heard muffled through his door) Yeah! Say hello to my little friend!  Kill ‘em all, Pacino

America: Right, but he just holes up in his room and watches movies.

…

House hallway

Libya: (ranting to self) Swine flu was invented by the American Coast Guard to kill Martin Luther King Jr!  I want a sandwich.  The Vatican is responsible for 9/11.  A roast beef sandwich!  Arabs and Jews play naked Twister with each other.  Lettuce and tomato, hold the mayo.

Germany: Can’t we force Libya into a nursing home or something?  He’s obviously lost it.

Italy: I’m afraid not.  He lives in a tent in our backyard.  That’s out of our jurisdiction.

Libya: I said hold the mayo!  Africa vetoes this sandwich.

…

House meeting

Turkey: I just want to say again, I didn’t drink the Armenian coffee, and that it was a long time ago, but that most importantly I deny drinking it.

America: Hey Turkey, relax, no need to bring it up.  No one is saying you killed the pot of Armenian coffee.

France: Actually, I think he did.

Russia: Me too.

Italy: He totally finished it off.

America: Look, the important thing is we move past whatever Turkey did or did not do so we can play his Xbox 360.

Germany: This is bull!  I’m not always included in house meetings because of that time I ate all the bagels, but you’re willing to let Turkey off the hook?

My Unsent Response

Here is a real e-mail that was sent out company wide where I work, and my reply which remained unsent because I need to keep making money.  Names have been changed to protect my paycheck.

From: Someone@Where_I_work.com
To: All@Where_I_work.com

I have stumbled upon something that truly boggles my mind.

We shoot $ 100,000.00 jobs here,  We have Yale, Harvard and Columbia Grads working here.

We have won <redacted>, <redacted>, friggin Cable Ace Awards for F&^ks sake and yet no one can figure out how this works so I will have to make this clear.

1)  UNWRAP TOILET PAPER (sometimes known as tissue paper)

2)  PLACE ROLL SIDEWAYS ( so if you held it to your eyeball you could see thru it like a pirate)

3)  PLACE ROLL HORIZONTALLY ON STICK COMING HORIZONTALLY  OUT OF THE WALL (Please see picture)

4)  DO A HAPPY HAPPY DANCE THAT THE COLLEGE EDUCATION THAT YOUR PARENTS SPENT THEIR LIFES BLOOD SAVING FOR YOU HAS NOT GONE TO WASTE!!!!

Really????
<name redacted>

And here is my unsent response.

Yes, I concur.  A travesty of the highest order!

Harold Bloom was right. When our nation’s top colleges abandoned teaching the classical western cannon in favor of false gods like New Criticism and Deconstructionism, they doomed generations of graduates to a life without a firm grasp of what’s really important, like Virgil’s Aeneid and Charmin’s Ultra.

So you see, I do have a line I won’t cross.  The breadline.

God’s Deadline

According to Jewish tradition, God uses the last month in the Hebrew calendar to judge every person on Earth and write their fate for the next year in the Book of Life, which he closes on Yom Kippur, sealing humanity’s destiny.  For Jews this is the holiest time of the year when they seek forgiveness for all their sins committed in the last year, but for God this is the busiest time of the year when he tries to meet an unrealistic writing deadline.

God: So there’s a 3 here, a 2 in the corner and both are those are 1’s, which means…

Archangel Mikha’el: God!  You’ve been playing minesweeper for the last hour.  I knew switching from parchment to computers was a bad idea.  You’ve got to stop procrastinating and get back to writing.

God: I deserve breaks!  Writing a year’s worth of stuff to happen to 6,785,801,775 people is a lot of work.  I don’t want to burn out.

Mikha’el: Let me see what you have so far.

God: It’s still a first draft.  I’m not ready for other people to…

Archangel Mikha’el pushes God aside and reads off the screen.

Mikha’el: What do we have here.  Benjamin Rosenberg gets laid off in November.  He tries to take up cooking to fill his days but ends getting addicted to the soap opera Days of Our Lives.  In February he meets Jennifer Blatt at a speed dating event, she gets pregnant and… oh come on God.  Really?

God: What?  What’s wrong with that?

Mikha’el: That’s the exact same thing you wrote for the last 40,000 people!

God: Yeah, but they’ll never meet each other, so what’s the harm if I double dip to save some time?  I’ve got a lot of people to write about, there’s going to be some overlap.

Mikha’el: Okay, but you wrote that same fate for Shi Bing Nu.  He’s a farmer in rural China.  Where’s he supposed to find a speed dating event in the Qinghai province?

God: Fine!  I’ll change his to an arranged marriage.  You happy now?

Mikha’el: Now that wasn’t so hard, was it, God?

God: I’ve been writing for a week straight.  I’m so tired.  I need some Mountain Dew.  Where’d my Mountain Dew go?

Mikha’el: No!  No more Mountain Dew for you, God.  Last year you drank a twelve pack and had people invent sports like Glacial Unicycling,  Freefall Rollerblading and Rocketpack Badminton.

God: But the Henderson family really enjoyed Rocketpack Badminton!

Mikha’el: Until Grandma crashed into the side of their house.  Seriously, Rocketpack Badminton was easily the worst idea you’ve ever thought of, and you thought up the cockroach.

God: What do you want from me?  Look at the great writers throughout history.  Homer only composed two epic poems.  Shakespeare only wrote 37 plays.  Twin Peaks only had one good season.  I’ve been writing for 5770 years, I jumped the shark centuries ago.  Just look at the Protestant reformation.  I ran out of ideas so I introduced a new religion.  How was I supposed to know it would ruin the dynamic and alienate fans?

Mikha’el: Come on God, focus.  Look you’re doing pretty good, you’re already halfway done!

God: I’m only halfway done?!?  I am never going to finish in time.  Can’t I get an extension?

Mikha’el: No.  You were the one who set the deadline for Yom Kippur, otherwise you said you would never finish.

God: Yeah, I know.  But I made that rule back in my fire and brimstone days when there were only a few million people and most died young from plague, famine or poor medical practices.  Those were better days, that’s for sure.

Mikha’el: Okay, God.  I’m going to help you for a bit.  Maybe bouncing ideas off someone else will get the juices flowing.  Next up on your list is Wening Wulandari.  She owns a food cart in Indonesia.  What can we do with her?

God: Indonesia, huh?  Isn’t that volcano Krakatoa in Indonesia?

Mikha’el: I don’t like where you’re going with this…

God: All I’m saying is, one really giant eruption and then I’m one hundred thousand people closer to hitting my deadline.

Mikha’el: You promised to lay off the large scale disaster for a few years.  They were becoming a a writing crutch for you.

God: Okay, good point.  But how about a small eruption, just two thousand dead?  How’s that sound?

Mikha’el: Okay, that’s reasonable.  So we’re done with Wulandari and her whole family.  Next up is Fernando Gomez.  He lives in Colombia and works as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Ministry of Transport.  Let’s do something fun with him, maybe he wins the lotto?

God: I don’t know, that sounds like hack writing.  How about this instead:  He gets laid off in November.  He tries to take up cooking to fill his days but ends getting addicted to the telenovela El Baile de la Vida.  In February he meets Jennifer Blanco at a speed dating event, she gets pregnant and they marry two months later.

Mikha’el: That’s the best you’ve got?

God: It’s that or a huge earthquake.

Mikha’el: Fine.  Looks like 5770 is the year speed dating really takes off.

Google Searches

One of the joys of having a website is seeing what Google searches bring people to your site.

Recently, people end up at AdamThinks for one of two reasons.  Either to find spoilers for Dan Brown’s new novel The Lost Symbol, or to find spoilers for Kate Beckinsale’s new movie Whiteout.

It is amazing to me that anyone actually thinks Whiteout has a plot that could be spoiled.

But there are also a lot of strange search strings that bring people here, and I’ve been saving up the good ones for a few months now.  I hope you find them amusing.

Without a doubt, my favorite search of all time is can i make it look good? or am i gonna look like a crazy giraffe with rabies.  Not only is that an awesome thing to search for, but I am the number one Google result!  I could not be happier, even though for the rest of my life  I will be obsessed with what “it” is that might make someone look like a crazy giraffe with rabies.  And for those of you wondering what a crazy giraffe with rabies looks like, I made this.

Somewhat surprisingly, if you search I have a cut open to the skull, I am also the number one result.  I feel really bad for the person who googled that and ended up here.  I guess they never thought to google 911.

Also filed under, “Not what I was looking for” is breaking a death news to employees – letter which brings me up 9th.   And I’m first if you search death letters to professor.  I would love to know what that person was actually looking for.  Did he want tips on writing a death threat to a professor, or just for a way to write to a dead professor?  Either way, I wish my website could have been more of a help.

Painted deathskull weird boy ranks me the 5th most authoritative source on odd young men’s decorated skulls.

Search Perfume us army new line and I come up 3rd.  For the life of me, I can’t imagine what an army themed perfume would smell like (ass kicking and bubblegum?),  but I would love to see that commercial.

I’m 6th if you search ct and adam fight was adam really afraid for his life? Let me answer that right now.  Yes, I was afraid for my life.  You try fighting the entire state of Connecticut and not fear death.

Film poster psychedelic body brings me up second.  I am furious that I’m not number one.  There is no better place on the internet than right here to find bodies tripping on acid while advertising movies.

I’m also second if you search Egotistical wild animals.  Egotistical wild animals?  Awesome.  On the flip side, I rank 4th under do wild animals cry (turkeys)? which would be an awesome Prince song.  And people searching for adages about gorillas will find me listed second.

I’m number one for “Hostile Takeover” Movie porn which does not speak well for that movie’s promotional team.

Hippy desktop wallpaper ranks me 14th.  That’s sorta a bummer, man, but we’re all in this together, you know?

I come up 7th if you’re asking why do cheez-its have holes in the center.  I’m just glad there are other people who wonder about that too.

I’m the 17th result if you search how did fonzie get so cool? But that’s like asking “How is water wet?”  It just is.  And while we’re on the subject of Fonzie, seaching fonzie ayyy brings me up 4th, which I think is funny, because I wonder what someone was wanting to know about Fonzie, that they had to include “ayyy” to get the right result.

I am listed 20th if you search sissies gone wild.  That is probably not something to brag about.

Speaking of things to not brag about, if you’re looking for penis tag lines, I’m 24th.

But if you want some good tag lines for women, I’m ranked 5th, which is worth a brag.

I’m 10th under obama porn photoshop pictures.  As you can imagine, that’s a real windfall for me, because who doesn’t search for Obama porn photoshop pictures at least once a day?

Walmart m1 tank lists me 11th.  Did someone really think they could buy a tank at Walmart?

I’m second for I’m on a death trap baby true blood which is the most beautiful refrigerator magnet poetry I’ve read in quite some time.

I’m also the second result for “nazi germany” up pixar, so it’s nice to know I’ve got the Disney loving Nazis demographic on my side.

And then there are searches that freak me out enough that I didn’t follow up to find my Google ranking.

1. sexy 15 year old boy

2. sexy thoughts for 15 year old

3. got a moustache and 15 years old boy

4. NUDE KIDS

5. cook baby porn

6. twitter/baby porn

7. gay boys taking it

I don’ t know what’s worse, that people searched for those things, or that those searches lead them here.  Either way, I hope you’ve enjoyed my website, because I’ll probably be shut down soon.

Health Care Debate: Super Friends Style

This past August, deep underground in the Democratic headquarters’ strategy room.

Robin: Guys, we’re getting pounded in the news about our health care reform.  They only cover the most outlandish, outrageous arguments like government death panels.  We need to do something!

BatReid: I am doing something, my ward.  I tell everyone at our cocktail parties of like-minded friends how ridiculous the whole situation is.

Robin: No!  We need to do something big.

WonderPelosi: What do you mean, boy wonder?

Robin: Death panels have been used to scare people away from a public insurance option.  But we have death panels now.  They’re the for-profit insurance companies that will use any acne as a pre-existing condition to deny cancer treatment.  That will purposely send the elderly the wrong forms to fill out, hoping that they die before the bureaucratic problems are sorted out.  That will encourage employees to cancel policies of those with expensive illnesses.

AquaDodd: I know. That’s why we’re trying to pass health care reform.

Robin: But no one is getting the message.  To compete in the brain-dead news world, we need visceral images.  We should stack body bags in front of Assurant Health’s building for every person they killed by denying coverage.  We should have children who have lost a parent wearing shirts that say “Blue Cross decided my Daddy’s life was too expensive.”  We should find people who went bankrupt when UnitedHealth wouldn’t pay for necessary procedures and have them pan handle outside the offices.

SuperObama: I think it’s important to stay above the fray.

BatReid: Let’s just deal with this problem the same way we dealt with George W. Bush.

Robin: You mean avoid making convincing arguments and let the problem fester hoping that eventually people come to our side out of sheer desperation?

WonderPelosi: Precisely.

Meanwhile…

At the Hall of Republicans.

DickLex LuthorArmey: Let’s spread rumors that Obama will make everyone wait in breadlines for hours to get prescription drugs.

Bizarro Steele: And that Democrats are mad crazy off the hook wanna kill Medicare.

Cheetah Palin: And that Obamacare is a liberal ploy to let Muslims eat Christian babies.

Nerd Shirts

Having been challenged to come up with the nerdiest novelty t-shirts imaginable, I gave it my all.

To be or not 2.0 USB
Printfection
$20

6.6.6 the IP of the Beast
Printfection
$25

Come on baby light my Firewire
Printfection
$20

What’s <3 but a second hand emoticon?
Printfection
$25

Lost Symbol

For those of you visiting because of the New York Times article about The Lost Symbol, my piece in question can be found here.

If you’re too lazy to click through, here’s a taste of what you’re missing out on.

More Wet Paint Anagrams

For those who missed it, back in January I took some New York City subway “Wet Paint” signs and rearranged the letters to say other things.

Afterwords I thought of some more Wet Paint anagrams, but none really seemed worth a second post.  That is, until I thought to use two signs.

Enjoy.

And I think that about does it for wet paint signs.

My Twitter Campaign Gets Nasty

A few months ago I started a campaign to get more followers on my Twitter account @AdamSacks than California’s 19th district representative George Radanovich.

Now I could understand a Senator having more followers than me, but Radanovich is just a Congressman.  Winning a Congressional seat is the grown-up equivalent of winning a high school election.  Sure they run on a platform of increasing lunch breaks and decreasing homework, but everyone knows they won’t have the power to actually do anything.

Though what mostly annoyed me was that George Radanovich’s tweets were so boring they made me yearn for the excitement of a floor debate on C-SPAN.

It’s been about five months since I threw down the Twitter gauntlet, so I figured it’s time to check my campaign’s progress.

First of all, hands down, I’m still beating George on the quality scale.  Here’s his latest tweet (20 days old, I might add).

Versus mine (still fresh from this afternoon).

But the problem is, I’m not gaining traction with voters.  When I started campaigning against Radanovich, he was leading me in the polls 499 followers to 83.  Now he’s leading me 1,244 followers to 290.  Some of my analysts say this is good news because I have a higher percentage growth rate.  But that’s like winning the Most Improved Athlete award, which we all knows goes to whoever was the worst to begin with.

I want to crush Radanovich, so I talked it over with my campaign manager and we’ve decided to go negative.  But I do have morals, so I won’t stoop so low as to compare Radanovich to Hitler.  I don’t think it’s fair to compare anyone to that monster.

However, there are other monsters I’m more than willing to compare Radanovich to.  Such as…

And…

But what I think all Republicans fear most are French people.

That’s right, Radanovich, the gloves are coming off.

As for everyone else, what are you waiting for?  Follow me on Twitter.