Baby Vs Jester

This one’s for all you fans of pre-crazy Tom Cruise

And this is for all you fans of 80′s homoeroticism

And this is for all of you who wondered if I ever storyboarded a parody of that scene for a preschool cartoon.

Yes, that girl is playing beach volleyball with a seal, monkey and polar bear. No, that doesn’t make any sense. No, the show didn’t last two weeks. No, that’s not a surprise.

Celebrity Cover Bands

Most celebrities secretly want to be rock stars but don’t know how to write songs. Which is why they should start cover bands! Here are a few celebrity cover band ideas.

Mark Paul Gosselaar is doing a pretty good job of moving past his Saved By The Bell days. But showbiz is a fickle mistress, so if his career takes a “Dustin Diamond” he can always start a Doors cover band.

Zack Morrison

Wilford Brimley. Whether it be oatmeal, diabetes or Cocoon, the man is known for associating with the best in the business. And you know who else was the best in the business? Otis Redding.

Quaker Oatis Redding

Now that Jon and Kate broke up, he’s probably wondering what to do with his life. If only there was someone else who broke up the union that rocketed him to stardom, but then did just fine on his own…Oh wait, there is. John Lennon!

Jon Minus Kate Plus Lennon

William Shatner has already had some success in the music business, but his career would really take off if he applied his unique spoken-word styling to Nirvana songs.

Kirk Cobain

And finally, Warner Bros. hasn’t done anything interesting with the Looney Toons in a long time. I think it’s time to dust off Marvin the Martian and have him make an album.

Marvin the Martian Gaye

Baby Vs Babyface

I know what you’re all thinking. “This whole BabyVersus thing is really weird, but eight weeks into it and I’m hooked. I now totally understand how vicious babies are. They’re like the sharks of the human world. If only there was merchandise I could buy.”

Well today is your lucky day because I present to you…

Baby Versus Infant Bodysuit
CafePress
$15.00

Finally, the whole world can see how tough your baby is. And if you don’t have a baby, buying one will imply you outfought a baby, which is something to be proud of.

Cable News Reacts to Walter Cronkite’s Death

Walter Cronkite died last Friday. As the CBS Evening News anchorman from 1962 to 1981, his commitment to truth and evenhanded reporting made him the most trusted man in America.

Although it is a sad day for journalism in general, the onus for honoring Cronkite’s accomplishments and legacy falls heaviest on the television news world. Here are some ways the different cable news channels plan on saluting Walter Cronkite.

Let’s start with…

Since CNN was the first 24 hour news network, they often call themselves the “Walter Cronkite of cable news,” and thus understandably want to have the most in-depth, even-handed, respectful tribute, just like Walter Cronkite, aka the “CNN of network news anchors,” would have wanted it.

Here are CNN’s plans for honoring Walter Cronkite:

1. Slightly less coverage of Michael Jackson’s death.

2. Wolf Blitzer shaves his beard down to a Cronkite moustache.

3. John King draws hearts around Cronkite on his giant touch screen.

4. The creation of a new show called “will.i.am.Walter” hosted by will.i.am via hologram and Walter Cronkite via spectral apparition.

Next up we have…

MSNBC wants to honor Walter Cronkite, but like most liberals they’re cursed with enough self-awareness to realize that their network’s partisan slant is antithetical to Cronkite’s strong belief in reporting truth and facts without bias. Fortunately for for MSNBC, they also have the liberal curse of mistaking their bias for an intellectual superiority that allows them to see the deeper truths and facts…just like Walter Cronkite!

Here are some ways MSNBC’s will honor Walter Cronkite.

1. Keith Olbermann delivers a Special Comment on why Walter Cronkite rules and Rush Limbaugh drools.

2. Chris Matthews explains why Walter Cronkite would TKO Rush Limbaugh in fight.

3. Ed Schultz apologizes for looking more like Rush Limbaugh than Walter Cronkite.

4. Rachel Maddow explains why Walter Cronkite is like her favorite cocktail the Jack Rose, featuring the perfect mix of potency from Applejack alcohol, sweetness from Grenadine, and bitterness from lime, while Rush Limbaugh is like toilet water, great for flushing away illegally purchased oxycodone and hydrocodone.

5. And the lone conservative Joe Scarborough makes the case for Walter Cronkite being a better journalist than Jon Stewart.

And finally we have…

This one’s a piece of cake. Walter Cronkite’s death is proof God supports Fox News in their crusade against the liberal media elite.

Here’s how Fox News will celebrate.

1. Set their sites on Jim Lehrer.

2. Glenn Beck interviews conspiracy theorists who say CBS faked Walter Cronkite’s reporting of the moon landing with a look-alike on a sound stage in Arizona.

3. Ann Coulter dresses up as a Rockette and dances on Walter Cronkite’s grave.

Three news networks, three different approaches. If anything, it’s a shame Walter Cronkite didn’t live long enough to see cable news pay lip service to his legacy they actively work against.

Baby Vs Numa Numa

Sing Sing

I don’t know if you know this, but Google Maps allows you to write reviews of locations. So I reviewed Sing Sing.

Here’s what I had to say.

Affordable Waterfront Living

Enjoy the hustle and bustle of New York City, but yearn to get closer to nature? Then head on up river to Sing Sing. Located directly on the Hudson River, our complex offer the best of urban life in a natural setting. All units are located in beautiful pre-war buildings and come fully furnished. Also, upon joining you’ll receive daily meals courtesy of our in-house culinary staff as well as free gym membership good for one hour a day. And you can say goodbye to your ugly commute when our job placement department finds you work in a variety of exciting fields all conveniently located within walking distance of your home.

Sure New York City may be the culture capital of the world, but Sing Sing is no slouch either. The arts are alive and well within our community, any member of which can teach you a variety of exciting craft projects made entirely from materials found on site.

We also have free theater events put on by the Rehabilitation Through The Arts (RTA) providing the very best theater our local actors with a history of good behavior can provide.

Also, for those of you concerned about safety, you can sleep easily knowing that we have earned the coveted “Maximum Security” rating from the State of New York for a record 185 years straight.

And best of all? It’s entirely free! No broker’s fee, no monthly rent, no maitnence fees, no utilities, no nothing at all! With leases ranging anywhere from 6 months to life, there’s no escaping this great deal.

Don’t delay. Units are going fast and the wait list is murder.

Baby Vs Satanic Verses

Baby Versus gets meta.

H2 – The Winter Killer

Last year I pitched General Motors a new way to market their Hummer automobiles.

I never heard back from them, but now that we the tax payers own a controlling interest in GM, I’m thinking a grassroots effort might convince them.

Also, here’s a funny story about this video. I originally used some footage shot by YouTube user james7845 and not one hour after the video went live he posted the following comment.

THANKS!for using part of one of my videos, BTW dumb ass its a H3 not an H2, you have a few days to remove this video otherwise I will flag you for copyright infringement

Fair enough, so I swapped out his footage, but then he complained to me:

We have enough people beating up on Hummers, as far as I’m concerned the whole video should disappear…

That’s james7845 for you: man enough to drive a Hummer but too sissy to take a joke.

Baby Vs Rabies

Even babies, the worlds most vicious killers, have an Achilles heel.