The Hagar Five

Marlon Jackson: Jackson residence.

Sammy Hagar: YEEEOOW! Hey there this is the Red Rocker himself, Sammy Hagar. Is this Jermaine Jackson?

Marlon: No, it’s Marlon.

Sammy: Marlon Waynes?

Marlon: Marlon Jackson

Sammy: Oh, sorry man. Were you in the Jackson Five?

Marlon: Yes I was.

Sammy: Then I would just like to express my deepest condolences for your brother’s loss.

Marlon: I didn’t know you were a fan.

Sammy: Oh yeah man, big fan. I was so crushed by the news that I almost didn’t do my daily five shots of Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Tequilla.

Marlon: I’ll be sure to pass on your kind words. Thank you, Sammy.

Sammy: You’re welcome, Tito.

Marlon: I’m Marlon.

Sammy: Marlon, right. My mistake. Anyway, while I got you on the line have you considered reuniting the remaining members of the Jackson 5?

Marlon: That was a long time ago

Sammy: And so was Michael Jackson’s cultural relevancy, but now that he’s dead everyone’s too busy making him number one on iTunes to care what a sad joke he became.

Marlon: That’s my brother you’re talking about.

Sammy: No, what I’m talking about is the unique situation we are in to make some serious cashola.

Marlon: We?

Sammy: Totally man. You guys are gonna need a new lead singer, and I’ll make everyone forget about Jacko faster than you can say Diamond Dave. We’ll make so much money you’d be able to open like 20 new Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs.

Marlon: I don’t think you’d really mesh well with us.

Sammy: I just Photoshopped a poster that disagrees.

Marlon: Can you moonwalk?

Sammy: I can’t drive 55.

Marlon: What’s your favorite Jackson 5 song?

Sammy: Off the top of my head, I’d have to say the one about the alphabet. I thought you were particularly good in that one, Jackie.

Marlon: Marlon! I’m Marlon Jackson, and I’m hanging up.

Sammy: Wait, La Toya, hear me out on this.

Marlon: Marlon!

Sammy: Marlon, right. Anyway, come on man! This is a golden opprotunity for you and your bros to go on tour, meet some smokin’ hot ladies and make enough moolah to save your struggling Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs.

Marlon: I’ve been married for 33 years, have three children and one grandchild, and am a successful real estate agent. I don’t need your help with anything.

Sammy: Wait. Really?!?

Marlon: Really.

Sammy: Oh, well then do you think you could help me refinance the mortgages on my Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo nightclubs? I’m in a tough spot here.

Marlon: Goodbye.

Click.

Baby Vs Dane Cook

Here are some more little known facts about the viciousness of babies.

• According to the military general Ptolemy, Alexander the Great conquered most of Mesopotamia before turning six months old.

• Human sacrifices in Ancient Maya were carried out by an elite priesthood of babies.

• British mariner Sir Francis Drake defeated the Spanish Armada in 1588 by throwing babies on board the Spanish ships, who then tore apart both ship and crew with their bare hands.

• The philosopher Descartes’ famous conclusion was originally Infantia formido ergo sum, or “I fear babies, therefore I am,” but after receiving multiple death threats scrawled on used diapers, he toned down his rhetoric.

Ahmadinejad and Twitter

Inside Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s office

Adviser: Sir, we have a problem.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: What? You’re still worried about those protesters? They’ll get tired eventually. And besides, our supreme leader Ayatollah Khamenei is behind me, 100 percent. Just like my margin of victory in the election.

Adviser: Sir, you’re not taking the Twitter threat seriously enough.

MA: Yeah right. Those first hand accounts on Twitter are just a lot of confusing discrete bits that are hard to find and almost impossible to put together into a meaningful cohesive narrative. And besides, our Basiji shock troops are maiming and killing them at night. This will all blow over soon enough.

Adviser: But sir, we’re losing support from our most important constituency.

MA: You mean technologically-savvy, self-obsessed people living outside Iran?!?

Adviser: Exactly.

MA: How do you know this?

Adviser: It’s on Twitter. People are tinting their profile picture green.

MA: Why would they do that? They want to look sickly?

Adviser: No! It’s to show support for the opposition candidate Mir-Houssein Mousavi.

MA: Really? Because to me it just looks like they rode the tilt-a-whirl one too many times and are about to throw up.

Adviser: Sir, this is serious. We just lost another one. Take a look at what she has to say.

MA: Wow. So this seemingly clueless girl went to the trouble to learn Photoshop just so she could tint a photo of herself green in order to protest me?

Adviser: Not quite…There’s actually this website that will do it for you with just one click.

MA: Well then, I guess there’s nothing to worry about.

Adviser: Not so fast, sir. It just got worse. Look.

MA: You mean someone hates me but loves adorable puppies all lined up in a reg wagon?

Adviser: It would appear that way sir.

MA: This does not bode well for my future.

Adviser: And if you think that’s bad, check out these other, actually real Tweets by people who oppose you.

Adviser: And there are literally tens of thousands more inane posts just like this by by people with green photos. We’re in a bad spot, sir. I don’t think you have many options.

MA: I’m afraid you’re right.

Ahmadinejad takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head.

Adviser: Thank Allah my cell phone has a camera, this is going right on TwitPic.

Baby Vs Deathstar

It’s week three of Baby Versus. Hopefully by now you’re beginning to realize the danger babies pose to our society. Here are a few facts about babies you might not know.

• Because of their viciousness, Genghis Kahn used an army of 400 babies as his personal body guards.

• The hole is the ozone is caused by babies when they begin teething.

• Ancient Rome built the Coliseum to give its babies a place to quench their thirst for blood.

• Disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle are actually caused by a gang of mischievous Caribbean babies.

I’ll be back next week with another video and more baby facts. Unless the babies get me first.

Citizen Kane Fanboys

Here’s a sketch I wrote that was performed at the UCB theater a few weeks ago. There weren’t many rehearsals, but I think it came out okay all things considered.

Also, due to the camera placement’s, it’s hard to make out what the last person is wearing (which is kind of important) so if you’re interested, you can see it here.

Credits

Directed by: Eric Scott

Cast
Robert: Tim Martin
Judy: D’Arcy Erokan
Police Officer: James Dwyer
Father: Giancarlo
Daughter: Emily Tarver
Wizard of Oz Fan: Johnny McNulty
Rosebud: Anne Girvin

Thoughts of a Native American

Baby Vs Hasselhoff

Welcome to week two of Baby Versus.

Now, you might be asking yourself, “Why babies?”

And the answer is quite simple. Since the dawn of time people have assumed babies to be cute and helpless, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Babies are nature’s most perfect killer. Small and adorable, no one expects a baby attack until it’s too late. Babies are unrelenting fighters, their limitless energy no doubt generated from constant napping, whose underdeveloped cognitive capacity allows them to kill without remorse.

Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol: SPOILERS

Six years ago, Dan Brown’s novel The Da Vinci Code was a huge hit. Readers couldn’t get enough of Robert Langdon, Harvard’s Professor of Symbology, running around Europe and pissing off the Catholic Church.

And now, in his new novel The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown continues Professor Langdon’s adventures. Although The Lost Symbol won’t be released until September 15th, I somehow received an advanced copy. I won’t give everything away, but here are a few spoilers.

• Robert Langdon is kicked out of Harvard when they realize a Professor of Symbology is not a real position.

• By analyzing a velvet Elvis painting in the Smithsonian, Langdon deduces The King was a member of Skull and Bones, and was assassinated by way of prescription drugs from his physician Dr. Art Havay-Beale (an anagram of Yale Beat Harvard) after Elvis became an embarrassment to his fellow Skull and Bones members.

• Robert Langdon tries to infiltrate a Freemason ceremony, but is discovered after someone recognizes him from Turner & Hooch.

• Langdon cracks an impossible code after the world’s best cryptographer makes an offhand remark, which reminds Langdon of something, which he keeps a secret to increase dramatic tension as they race across town to find that thing, which Langdon then uses to break the code, which fills the world’s best cryptographer with jealousy which will eventual turn into grudging respect.

• Langdon is chased by a secret sect of sexy assassin nuns after he discovers the Catholic Church is suppressing evidence of Jesus Christ’s alopecia.

• Langdon realizes the layout of Washington, D.C. is based around a diagram the female reproductive system.

• Langdon meets a beautiful woman whose only personality trait is a love of being lectured about secret societies while those societies try to kill her.

• Langdon outruns a boulder after failing to smoothly swap out the golden idol with a bag of sand.

• Langdon must seek the help of a trustworthy old friend who saves Langdon’s life over and over again, until he tries to kill Langdon because the friend is really the bad guy!

• In the last chapter, Harry Potter dies.

I could go on, but I don’t want to ruin everything.

A Housewife’s Press Releases

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Get Ready for More Press Releases!

Computer Room – June 5, 2009 – My son Danny just showed me how to make a press release in Microsoft Word (he’s a genius!). I feel so important and official!

My very own press release! Maybe now the neighbors will give us a little respect. Sure, we haven’t been able to afford lawn care recently, but I think the yard looks nice full dandelions. And anyway, Bill is up for a big promotion and raise, so I’m sure our lawn will be back to normal in no time.

But the real news is that our son Danny is the Hamilton Honda Little League team’s newest pitcher. He’s debuting this Saturday against Kiwanis, so come see our boy pitch before the Yankees sign him (haha!).

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

I Call Foul!

Computer Room – June 8, 2009 – Danny’s first game pitching for Hamilton Honda was not perfect, but a loss of 0 to 23 is no reason for the Hamilton Daily Record to describe Danny’s performance as “an abject failure.”

Danny showed a lot of promise, and I if it wasn’t for a few bad calls by the umpire I’m sure the game could have just as easily gone the other way.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Our Lovely Lawn

Computer Room – June 29, 2009 – Thank you for noticing our newly manicured lawn, but sadly Bill did not receive that promotion and raise. Due to the economy, his company laid of 70 percent of its employees, Bill included. But Bill being Bill, he used his free time productively and now we have the most beautiful lawn on the block!

And it doesn’t stop there. Bill has had so much free time, that just yesterday I came home to find him rearranging all the dishes and silverware in our kitchen. What a character!

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Supportive Wife & Mother
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

An apology

The Basement – July 13, 2009 – I’d like to apologize for Bill’s outburst during Danny’s last baseball game. Bill’s been under a lot of pressure after his recent lay off and our resulting money problems. Mrs. Walters, I assure you it was the stress talking when Bill accused your son Kyle of steroid use after he hit that fifth home run against our Danny.

In other news, I’m open to anyone hiring Bill to take care of their lawn. He really needs to get out more. Bill has gone crazy rearranging our house (the computer is now in the basement, don’t ask me why!), and after he’s done in the garage I’m afraid he’ll next set eyes on my mint condition Princess Diana memorabilia plates. I’d die if he accidentally chipped one, they’re collectors items after all.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Concerned Wife
784 Sunnyside Lane
Hamilton, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

A sad day for baseball

My Mother-in-Law’s Den – July 27, 2009 – It is with a heavy heart that we must announce Danny’s resignation from the Hamilton Honda Little League team. Due to money problems, we’ve now moved in with Bill’s mother, and because she lives two towns over in Woodbridge, Coach Simpson says Danny is ineligible to continue playing for Hamilton Honda. It seems like a strange rule, but Coach Simpson is quite adamant that Danny can no longer play for his team. Thus Danny must reluctantly retire with a proud record of 0-12. I’m sure I speak for everyone on Hamilton Honda when I say he will be missed.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: Proud Mother
63 Orchard Ave.
Woodbridge, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Boys will be boys

My Mother-in-Law’s Attic – August 9, 2009 – Bill is back at it again; he completely rearranged his mother’s house! Now all the bedding is in the dining room hutch and the computer is in the attic (plugged into an extension cord that runs down to the bathroom). It’s awful, but whenever I encourage Bill to spend less time rearranging and more time job hunting, his mother accuses me of undermining his self confidence.

In other news, Danny is still sad about losing his spot on the baseball team, and apparently he has begun using eggs to take out this disappointment against car windows. Of course, this only came to our attention last night when the Officer Hayes escorted Danny home (and I can just tell Bill’s mother blames it all on me). Lucky for Danny, his pitching accuracy is so bad that he missed most of the cars and was let off with just a warning.

Danny doesn’t understand our current situation and always asks, “If you need money so bad why don’t you sell all your stupid Princess Diana plates?” Of course, those “stupid” plates are hand painted, mint condition collectors memorabilia. They constantly increase in value! Selling them now would be like throwing away the money they will be worth in the future. There are just some things you just can’t expect a 12-year-old to understand.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: The Only Sane One Left
63 Orchard Ave,
Woodbridge, CT

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Die Home Shopping Network, Die!

The Denny’s off I-95 South in Chester, VA- September 17, 2009 - Don’t ever believe the Home Shopping Network and their awful lies. Those Princess Diana plates I bought and held on to for 12 years aren’t even worth what I paid for them. Apparently faux-jewels do not appreciate in value no matter how often you polish them.

But it doesn’t matter, I took what money I could and got out of there. I’m free! Free from Bill and his laziness. Free from Danny and his new found delinquency and drug habit. But most of all free from Bill’s mother and her hateful eyes and silent judging.

Hitchhiking is a real hoot, and the long haul truckers are always happy to see me. I’ve never felt so appreciated in my life. I may not have much money or any idea where I’m sleeping tonight, but for the first time in a long time I’m happy. Really and truly happy.

Contact:
Cheryl Lodge: A New Woman
I-95 South
USA

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Baby Vs Nuclear Non-Proliferation

Over a year ago, Mike DiBenedetto and I came up with the idea of Baby Versus. Basically it was our attempt to start a meme by editing a baby with some other footage to make it look like a fight, and then declare a winner.

I made a bunch of videos, but never got around to promoting them, so I’m going to put up one a week until I run out.

First up: Baby Vs Nuclear Non-Proliferation