World’s Greatest Planet

Just in case you haven’t done all your Earth Day shopping, might I suggest

Worlds Greatest Planet
$13

You’ve never really tasted Fair Trade coffee, until you’ve sipped it from a CafePress mug made God knows where (dishwasher and microwave safe).

Now, some of you may complain that Earth Day was last week, but I for one think our planet is important enough that we should have at least a week to show our appreciation and market products.

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, this mug was my friend Nick’s idea.

But since he’s too busy loving ice cream and the Nuge, I had him agree to let me steal the concept.

My New Tax Plan: A Modest Proposal

Like everyone else in the rainbow coalition of white people (covering the spectrum from ivory to pearl) who attended Tea Parties across our great nation, I am sick and tired of the Federal Government taxing me to death. Just like Hitler, Obama–a Muslim extremist, communist, fascist, peace-loving wuss–wants to crush freedom by stealing my money to fund a universal health care program. This un-Christian, un-American concern for those less fortunate cannot stand.

Update: 8/11/2009
Buy the shirt

He Can’t Be All Four
$20

So with that in mind, I offer a new tax plan.

Now I’m not advocating the total elimination of taxes. As much as I want a weak national government unable to force its will on my life, I also want a strong national army able to force its will on other countries.

So the real questions is, how do we make sure all of our taxes go to the army?

And the answer is quite simple. Instead of paying taxes with money, we send the IRS actual weapons for the army to use (but we’ll have to ship them with FedEx since the United States Postal Service won’t transport guns and ammunition).

Depending on how much an individual makes, he or she could owe anything from a few boxes of bullets, to a FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank guided missile.

Just to give you an example, under my plan Joe the Plumber, who reported earning $40,000 in 2006, would owe two M16 assault riffles with M203 grenade launcher attachments, a M6 bayonet-knife, and three M40 series protective gas masks.

Finally paying your taxes will give you that warm, fuzzy, patriotic feeling that comes from understanding how you are directly contributing to the good of our country.

Another great thing about my plan is that it makes figuring out your taxes a piece of cake. Say goodbye to confusing forms and math. Say hello to drawings of guns.

Also my plan closes tax loopholes for corporations who will be responsible for big ticket items like B2 Stealth Bombers, Abrams Tanks and Aircraft Carriers. And as a way to keep track of their payments, corporations will have to put their logo on each purchase.

You have to admit, this is the perfect tax plan. It’s simple to use, easy to understand, and it ensures continued military dominance while completely crippling any communist agenda Obama has in store for us. After all, you can’t help a family in need with a lightweight, gas-operated, one-man-portable M249 Squad Automatic Weapon.

Get Whitey

Last year I spent six months working in Malaysia. I was in the city of Kuala Terengganu which you’ve never heard of and can best be described as the Utah of Malaysia. Super religious, no alcohol, and legal polygamy (but within limits. No more than 4 wives).

Needless to say, there weren’t many tourists. And on the rare occasions when I chanced upon one, they wouldn’t make eye contact. Apparently I was ruining their authentic experience.

So I started a project. To pose in pictures with as many white tourists as possible without their consent.

Photo Potpourri

Sometimes I take photos that amuse me, but aren’t worth their own post. Here are a few.

First up, I’d like to announce the opening of my lingerie store.

As the sign implies, it’s the anti-Victoria’s Secret. Only unglamorous, utilitarian bras.

This Chinese Restaurant looks like they got their sign from a former Chili’s.

I assume their baby back ribs come with barbecue soy sauce.

With this next one, I first read it as Pimp Ark

Which makes sense. Noah was ostensibly running a brothel at sea.

Here’s candy I saw for sale, one week before Easter.

It wasn’t discounted either. Maybe on Easter, the Quax duck rises from the dead. Hollowed out sculpted chocolate is very Christ-like.

Here’s the front page headline from a New Jersey newspaper, The Trentonian (#1 in daily readers, no less)

Say what you will about The New York Post, but at least their headlines are clever. “Murder” doesn’t sound anything like “Wanda” and she doesn’t look anything like Jamie Lee Curtis. Also, if you read the sub-headline, she didn’t even kill the guy with a fish. She killed him because he rejected her cooking. If I worked at the Trentonian, here’s what I’d have done.

And my last one is a Shriners ambulance.

Now, if you’re going to name clowns that play with children, there are good choices.

And bad choices.

After Laffy, that’s the best you could come up with? What’s a name you didn’t go with? Nambla the Clown?

And on an unrelated note, “thanks” doesn’t have an apostrophe.

New Wonder Drug

I discovered a new wonder drug, that will revolutionize modern medicine, so I made a commercial for it.

Go buy some. No prescription needed.

More TV Tag Lines

My last post was about the artlessly expository tag line for the TV show The Cougar (One older woman. Twenty younger men). Here are tag lines to other shows that the TV Land copywriters might have come up with.

I might do more of these later, but for now I think it’s time to take a little break from tag lines.

The Cougar: Tag lines

Hey, have you heard about “cougars?” Older women going after younger men? Of course you have because people have been beating this idea to death for way too long. We get it already. That’s what men usually do, so how hilarious is it that women do it too? Totally hilarious!

Hopefully this reality TV show will end the cougar zeitgeist.

I think what’s most repulsive to me about this (besides everything) is the total lack of creativity in the tag line. For the past two years there’s been nothing but a glut of cougar related humor and the best TV Land’s copywriting team could come up with is “One Older Woman. Twenty Younger Men.” I wonder what their tag line for Law & Order would be. Probably “Cops and Lawyers Fighting Crime.”

Here are a few better tag lines I came up with for The Cougar.

TV Land, call me. I have even better ideas for High School Reunion.

My Letter As Editor-In-Chief

There are so many magazines in the world that it’s inevitable I will become editor-in-chief of one at some point in my life. To prepare for this eventuality, I have already written my first Letter from the Editor.

Letter from the Editor

Hello, my name is Adam Sacks, and I am the new editor-in-chief of this magazine. If you’re concerned about my qualifications, just check out the serious face I’m making in my black and white portrait; I obviously mean business. But I also have messy hair and stubble so you know the magazine will still be fun to read. As for the direction I will take this publication, rest assured I have the utmost respect for its past and will strive to stay true to those roots while also changing everything in an unsuccessful attempt to make it profitable on the web.

But have no fear, I promise to put far too much importance in whatever trivial subject this magazine covers. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that every single problem in our world would be solved if only people cared more about what we talk about every month in these very pages.

Moving right along, let me off offhandedly mention some obscure details only experts in this field know about, so that you’re intimidated by my knowledge. Also, I’ll casually mention all the important industry people I’m close friends with and the lavish parties I attend on a regular basis. And now I’m making a halfhearted attempt at self-deprecation so that your jealousy of my life won’t turn into a murderous rage and drive you to end my better-than-yours life.

But enough about me, let’s talk industry news. You know that new product that everyone is talking about and won’t be released for another 6 months (not that it matters since you couldn’t afford it anyway)? Well, yesterday I got a whole truckload of them to try out. I’ve been using one for the past week and it is so much better than anything you could ever dream of, I want to cry for you poor people who won’t get to use it for another half year. Of course, I don’t know what to do with the other hundred or so they sent me. You can’t imagine how embarrassing this is. Seriously, I have so many of them, that as I’m writing this now, I’m using all the extras as a chair to sit on. Hey, here’s a fun giveaway idea. Write an essay, no more than 200 words, about why my life is so much better than yours and I’ll have my unpaid intern pick the most groveling, pathetic ones to give this wonderful product to.

I’d love to stay and write more, but I have a really exclusive, top secret, fancy event to attend. So in closing, I just want to reiterate how honored I am to be the new editor-in-chief, and how much I can’t wait to rub my awesome life in your face every month.

Stay hungry out there.

Adam Sacks

FOX News: In The Bedroom

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the shrinking skirt lengths of female Fox News anchors, and the general trend towards sexualizing television news personalities. Taking this move to it’s logical conclusion, I’d like to rate Fox News personalities in bed. Now, I’ve never had sex with anyone on Fox News nor do I know much about them, so by their standards I am an expert.

Steve Doocy

Although he has the haircut of a 9-year-old and the sense of persecution normally reserved for blacks living in the south during Jim Crow, Steve Doocy is painfully average. In fact, Steve Doocy is what you get if you were to average out every white male in America . He has 2.5 children, a 95.5 IQ, and a 4.5 inch penis, which he uses twice a month to to make his wife wish she married the other guy. Rating: Top of the Bell curve

The Blond Women Of Fox News

What eugenics lab did these women come from? They’re the Third Reich’s wet dream. That said, all the good looks, short skirts and conservative viewpoints in the world won’t make their emotionally distant father ever love them. Which is good news for you in the bedroom, until they start crying. Rating: 3 out of 4 Heil Hitlers

Neil Cavuto

Now I know chubby guys are supposed to try harder in bed, but when you combine pudginess with a conservative’s sense of entitlement, it’s like the Bush tax cuts: you’ll work twice as hard while he gets all the rewards. Rating: In a rubric of Pillsbury products, Cinnamon Buns being the best, he’s not even a Croissant.

Bill O’Reilly

Let’s face it, Bill O’Reilly is one kinky dude, and he’s willing to sexually harass an employee to prove it. Normally his love for vibrators and Thai sex shows would work in his favor, however Bill confuses falafels with Loofa sponges

And I think that’s one yeast infection you can do without. Rating: On a scale of 1 to 10, he’s a Monistat 7.

Greta Van Susteren

If her butt kissing interview with Sarah Palin is any indication, Greta loves tossing salad.

Rating: GMILF

Sean Hannity

If you want to dress up as the Statue of Liberty and get drilled for a good 4 minutes on American Flag sheets while a choir sings “Sean Hannity is the greatest commentator God has ever given us,” then he’s your guy. But you probably don’t want that. Rating: 13 out of 50 stars on the American flag.

Ann Coulter

Generally I don’t recommend having sex with a horse-faced skeleton, but you have to balance that with the fact that Ann Coulter will do anything to get a reaction. And I mean ANYTHING. Rating: A+

Glenn Beck

I think it’s pretty obvious that Glenn Beck is hiding something, so let me leave you with this image.

Rating: N/A. There’s really no in between with this. You either love it or hate it.

Here’s one last thought. If you’re at a bar and you have the opportunity to take a Fox News personality home with you, you should start going to more interesting bars.