Dawerism: An honest ad

There’s not enough truth in advertising.  Especially ads for alcohol.  So I made this.

Berenstain Bears Gone Wild.

In my last post, I accepted the implied job offer of juice box art director at R.W. Knudsen Family.  As it turns out, they’re very interested in hiring me, but first want to see where I’d take the brand.  As a rule I don’t give out my ideas for free, but since this job would be my ticket to all-you-can-drink fruit juice for life, I made an exception.

First let’s remember what they started with.

So not only does everyone have the same poorly drawn three-eyed baleen whale head, the boxes are just plain boring.  It’s time for organic fruit juices to show the world just how badass all natural, no sugar added drinks really are.  And what says badass more than a bar fight?

Or 1930′s bank robberies?

Also, let’s branch out a little.  Most organic foods target the same small market.  But there are a lot more people out there who could really benefit from all natural fruit juices.  Like heroin addicts.

Also, if prostitution is the world’s oldest profession, they must have a lot of money saved up.  We should aggressively target that market.

So Mr. and Mrs. Knudsen, since you must be ridiculously impressed with my pitch, don’t even bother calling me to offer the job.  I’ll just show up Monday.  And tell your factory to get ready because I can drink a surprising amount of all natural fruit punch.

Third Eye Bear

Dear R.W. Knudsen Family,

This is my letter accepting the position of art director for your juice boxes.  What’s that, you didn’t realize you hired me?  Well you did, it says so right here on an actual juice box of yours.

Oh my god, that bear has three eyes!  If you’re going to spend the money to license the Berenstain Bears, you should also spend the money to hire an illustrator that won’t make them look like a three-eyed alien.  This is generally something that an art director knows, which is why you hired me.

Also, a good art director notices when their illustrator is being lazy.

Each character has the same awful head!  Now, I can understand your former art director letting one wonky face drawing slide (after all, who’s looking at the mom’s face when she’s wearing that sexy moo moo?), but to approve the same exact same awful head on 4 separate occasions?  That’s your art director saying, “Mr. and Mrs. Knudsen, I want Adam to take this job from me.”  And I accept.

Sincerely,
Adam

P.S. Make sure my contract stipulates that I get all the free mixed berry juice I want.

Movie Poster Plots

Today’s movies are so predictable, the poster gives everything away.  Let me save you some time and money by doing a quick movie round-up, based solely on their posters.

Crank 2

In a change of pace, action star Jason Statham hosts a documentary about the ethical issues surrounding executions by lethal injection and the electric chair.

Spoiler Alert: Statham comes to the conclusion it’s more humane if he just drop kicks them to death.

Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino takes us to the world’s most violent spelling bee in a very foggy Nazi Germany.

Spoiler Alert: Losers get their head cut off by Adolf Hitler, played by Samuel L. Jackson.

X-men Origins: Wolverine

Wolverine realizes he’s trapped in prison behind bars of his own making.

Spoiler Alert: Wolverine goes on a violent yet bloodless PG-13 rampage.

Adventureland

Through an unlikely mix up, an awkward boy ends up spending the summer in a Southeast Asian sweatshop making amusement park T-shirts for 20 hours a day, where he meets a girl way out of his league who inexplicably falls in love with him.

Spoiler Alert: He learns that sweatshops don’t just make cheap shirts in awful working conditions, they also make great coming of age stories.

Possession

Sarah Michelle Gellar can’t escape a creepy man the size of her nose who casts two shadows.

Spoiler Alert: Gellar eventually escapes, but not before she almost doesn’t.

The Boat that Rocked

It’s the colorful story of a pimp, businessman, hippie, and lounge singer who are all dangerously near-sighted.

Spoiler Alert: When all four learn to get along, the circling sharks don’t eat them.

Whiteout

On Christmas Eve, albino terrorists take over the country’s biggest opaque correction fluid factory, and only a very sexy and high contrast Kate Beckinsale (bundled in a decidedly unsexy Eskimo getup) can stop them.

Spoiler Alert: She kills the albino terrorist leader by drowning him in a vat of Wite-Out.  When they try to fish out his body later, they can’t find it.  Is it because he blends in too well, or did he escape into the sequel?  Only box office receipts know for sure.

Up

Pixar’s latest masterpiece takes us on a helium induced psychedelic buddy road trip into our collective subconscious.

Spoiler Alert: Randy Newman sings to kids about the wonders of hallucinogenic drugs.

And there you have it, 8 new movies you’ve now seen.  I just saved you almost 100 dollars.  Please show your appreciation by sending me almost 100 dollars.

My Twitter Campaign

You can’t read a newspaper, blog, or news crawl on cable TV without seeing something about Twitter.  Though, to be honest, I think the real story really has to with how popular Twitter is among reporters.  Let’s face it, the only reason we’re seeing so many Twitter stories is because most reporters yearn to write about themselves, and their Twitter addiction seems more newsworthy than how much they play Resident Evil 4 on Wii.  That said, if “everyone” thinks Twitter is going to be the next Google, wrapped in Facebook, grilled over an open eBay and served up with a side of YouTube and steak fries, who am I to argue?

Which brings me to a realization:  I need to seriously step up my Twitter account @AdamSacks.  I mean, United States House of Representatives have more followers than me.  It’s bad enough when Congressmen have more interesting sex scandals, but to beat me on the internet is just too much.

Take California’s 19th district representative George Radanovich, for instance.  He has 499 followers, whereas I only have 83.  That means he’s beating me by a ratio of 6 to 1.  To put that another way, at that rate, if we were running the mile in high school, he’d lap me three times before I hit the second turn and then pants me in front of the girls’ field hockey team.

Now, I could understand his popularity if his “tweets” were better than mine, but (and I’m biased) they are without a doubt much worse.  I could do a whole list comparing our tweets, but let’s save some time and check out his latest versus mine.

versus

You’d have to be crazy to think this Radanovich guy should be beating me.  Which is why I’m fighting back.  George Radanovich may have run for Congress uncontested, but today I throw my hat into the ring to become more popular on Twitter.  And I’m not afraid to get a little mud in my sling.  Check out this bumper sticker.

Watch your back, George, one day I will have more followers than you.  And if anyone would like to get involved in my campaign, stop wasting your time and follow me.

Movie Pitch Meeting: Killing Mrs. Madoff

Gentlemen, thank you for coming.  Kevin, John, please have a seat.  Oh, and Mr. Spielberg we brought in a bejeweled couch for you to lounge on.  Can I get you another gold leafed water bottle?

I’ll come right to the point.  You all lost a ton of money in Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme.  And Bernie, along with his evil wife who refuses to return any of their ill-gotten gains, have really stoked the flames of populist anger.  A lot of people want their money back, or at least to see her suffer, and I think there’s money to be made in that.

See?  K-Bakes is into it.  Look at that smile.  It’s not like he has any other offers.  I bet it’s pretty lonely at home with Kyra always out shooting TNT’s smash hit The Closer.  Give her my best.

Oh Malkovich, don’t shake your head.  This is a no-brainer!  Con Air, Rounders, Of Mice and Men?  Are you kidding me?  You’ve been preparing for this role your entire life!

Wait, Steven!  Lay back down on your couch.  Hear me out.  I know you’ve always wanted to do a Dogma 95 style movie, and that’s the perfect way to do this.  Also, if it’ll make you feel more comfortable, maybe we can write in an alien or Nazi character, or at least find some way to make the movie speak to your inner child that desperately seeks the strong male role model that you so obviously yearned for as a child.

Payments?  Right.  Well, we actually lost most of our money with Bernie as well, so we can’t offer you anything on the front end, but once you brutally murder Mrs. Madoff there should be more than enough to go around.  Also, maybe we can work out some profit sharing back end deal.  Hey, Larry King lost a bunch of money with Madoff as well, so I’ll bet we get free promotions on his show.  He’s a tastemaker, right?

So, do we have a deal?  Fantastic.  I’ll have my assistant (who I stole this idea from in the first place) write up the contracts.

Wild Animals: A Survival Guide

If you spend anytime outside the safety of suburbs and their cookie-cutter houses, manicured lawns and dark family secrets, it is inevitable that you will encounter a wild animal.  Wild animals, as the name implies, are wild and thus dangerous and/or drunk.   These encounters are fraught with deadly missteps, so here is my guide to surviving encounters with different animals.

1. Lions
If you come across a lion, it is imperative that you DO NOT RUN.  Lions are unimpressed with your running because they can run much faster, which they will demonstrate right before tearing you apart with their razor sharp teeth.  So instead, stand up straight and pat your head while rubbing your belly.  This dazzling display of dexterity will cripple the lion with shame and jealousy, giving you time to escape uneaten.

2. Bears
If a bear finds you, it is important to make as much noise as possible while singing and dancing the Electric Slide, Chicken Dance, or any other popular wedding dance song from the late 80′s.  Bears are notoriously proud and noble (some might say egotistical) animals, and will not lower themselves by attacking anyone acting so pathetic.

3. Gorillas
We all know the adage, “When traveling through Gorilla country, bring scotch whiskey,” but few people know why.  As it turns out, Gorillas have developed quite an affinity for single malt scotch, but not the corresponding tolerance to handle it.  So, if a gorilla charges, simply hold your bottle, preferably Johnnie Walker Blue Label, up high.  Upon seeing your offer, the gorilla will take out the two shot glasses all gorillas carry on their person.  After you both do a shot, the gorilla will lay on the ground and proceed to cry and beat its chest about the one that got away.  This is your cue to make an excuse and politely leave the gorilla alone with its regrets .

4. Elephants
If an elephant attacks, simply match speeds with the lumbering beast and climb up its side (if Orlando Bloom did it in green tights and a blonde wig, then so can you).  Next, crawl onto its head, and cut off a tusk using your Dremel.  Take the tusk back and sell it on the black market, using your illegal profits to hire a big game hunter.  Then go back to the savanna to kill the elephant and all of its relatives, because elephants never forget and hold grudges forever.

5. Wild Turkeys
Wild turkeys are actually dangerous, but thankfully incredibly stupid as well.  If one tries attacking you, ask it this simple brain teaser:

Hey turkey.  Let’s say you’re on a game show, and you have to choose between three closed doors.  Behind one door is all the bird seed you can eat.  Behind the other two doors are hungry Pilgrims.  You choose door #1.  Before opening the door, the game show host (who knows what is behind every door) reveals a Pilgrim behind door #2.  After stopping the Pilgrim from eating you, the game show host asks if you want to stay with your choice of door #1 or switch to door #3.  Should you switch doors, and why?

The turkey will probably say it doesn’t matter because it’s now 50/50 between the two remaining doors.   This, of course, is wrong because the door it originally chose only had a 33% chance of being right, while the other two doors had a 67% chance. After the host removed one of the other doors out of the equation, the original door still only has a 33% chance of being right because it was chosen when all 3 doors were an option, so the remaining door has a 67% chance of being right.  As the turkey tries to understand this, it will suffer a fatal massive cerebral explosion.

6. Sloths
As a general rule of thumb, sloths are pretty slow, so it’s best to just run away.  THIS IS NOT TRUE IF YOU ARE AMERICAN.  Americans are stereotypically famous for being stereotypically corpulent, lazy and sluggish, so there’s no way one could outrun a sloth.  Americans would be wise to avoid sloth areas entirely; however if you are American and do find yourself face to face with a sloth, curl up into the fetal position, protecting your head and neck with your arms, and pray the sloth has already eaten its fill for the day.

7. Unicorns
Most people believe unicorns are gentle, loving creatures.  This is because a long time ago, unicorns hired a really good PR firm.  Before their “flowers and rainbows” makeover, children the word over knew unicorns to be vicious killing machines, equally adept at hunting on land, sea and air.  Unicorns, in fact, are the only known natural predator of Carcharodon carcharias, commonly known as great white sharks, and in most scientific circles unicorns are credited with killing off the dinosaurs.  So, if you find yourself being attacked by a unicorn, I strongly suggest you stop taking so many drugs.

8. Frat Boys
Frat boys are dangerous creatures because of their unpredictable nature–it’s impossible to tell whether they will homo-erotically grab each other, beat up a gay guy, or date rape a girl.  Compounding the difficulties is their general lack of sobriety, logic or grasp of spoken language, which eliminates any attempt at reasoning with one.  Your best course of action is to empty a bunch of wine coolers, refill them with rubbing alcohol and red food coloring, and challenge one to pound all six in under 2 minutes.

9. Mice
When you see a mouse, immediately jump up on the nearest table, or chair and scream in your highest pitched voice, “Oh my god, oh my god, ohmygod!  A mouse!  Right there!  It’s not there anymore, it ran away, but I saw it.  I bet it’s in the walls right now.  Don’t tell me to calm down, I saw a mouse.  IN MY APARTMENT!  No, I’m not getting traps, they’re cruel.  No, the glue ones are even worse.  That’s it, I can’t sleep here anymore.  I can’t LIVE here anymore.   I have to move.”  As long as the mouse believes you are afraid, it probably won’t kill you in your sleep.

And there you have it.  My fool-proof, money back guaranteed methods for surviving encounters with wild animals.  If you try any of these techniques and they don’t work as advertised, you probably did something wrong.

Suspicious Subway Sights

In the wake of 9/11, the New York subways started the “If you see something, say something.” campaign.

What I like most about this campaign is how I interpret it to be the Metropolitan Transit Authority deputizing me to personally dispense justice to the subterranean world.

However, I am not perfect.  I’ve seen many suspicious things that I kept to myself.  So, in the spirit of honesty and transparency, here’s a list of everything I failed to report to a police officer or MTA employee.

1. Someone without an iPod.

2. A quiet group of high school kids.

3. A crowded train without anyone reading Atlas Shrugged.

4. A passed out drunk who hasn’t wet himself.

5. A tastefully done advertisement for Dr. Zizmor.

6. People moving all the way into the subway during rush hour, instead of crowding the doors.

7. Detailed and anatomically accurate penis graffiti.

8. A guy successfully getting a girl’s number.

9. A late night G train running normally.

10. Out of work Julliard grads trying to make rent.

I know, it’s shameful how many times I stayed silent, but it feels good to come clean.  It’s like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  From now on I promise to be more vigilant, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me my past transgressions.

Fine Art, Ugly Economy

As the New York Times reports, the art world is having to come to terms with the economy’s bleak outlook.  And nowhere is that more true than with me.  As you must know, I am a ridiculously successful fine artist, but now that collectors are spending less, I’ve had to scale back my grand vision.  Here are a few of my would-be masterpieces that our failing economy has robbed you of.

1) A Monet Water Lilies painting decoupaged with hundred dollar bills.

2) A spoken word piece in which I convince people with minimum wage jobs to take out million dollar loans.

3) A shot for shot remake of the “Jessie Gets Strung Out on Caffeine Pills” episode of Saved By the Bell acted out entirely by Tom Hanks using motion capture software.

4) An equestrian sculpture of Alan Greenspan made of gold.

Yes, the world is a much poorer place without those works of art, but it’s not all bad news.  Now I’ll finally have no choice but to debut my performance piece titled “Working at Burger King.”

So be on the look out for that.  It’s a work that New York Times art critic Holland Cotter might very well call, “An unflinching exploration into making ends meet.”

Illegal Immigrants

For a long time, I didn’t mind illegal immigrants.  I couldn’t see anything wrong with sneaking into the country to take all the best janitor and kitchen help jobs for below minimum wage.  After all, breaking the law and low wages are nothing if not the American way.  That said, I changed my mind when I saw this sign at a salad bar.

Don’t see it?  Let’s take a closer look.

It’s HONEY dijon, not Joney dijon.  I don’t care if you make my food, illegal immigrant guy behind the counter, but how dare you sully the English language with your crazy Spanish spelling.  Now you may be wondering how I know he is illegal, and it’s quite simple.  If he’d taken the citizenship test, he’d have received an immediate F minus when answering that the the 9th predisent of the United States was William Jenry Jarrison.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go listen to some Lou Dobbs and relax.