Worst Times to Die

Sometimes I wonder when would be a bad time to suddenly drop dead. Arguably any time is a bad time to die unexpectedly, but certain times really show how much karmic debt you owe. Here’s my list of worst times to die.

1. When you just missed the subway.

2. While biting into a particularly bad grape.

3. On the first day of Spring.

4. When you’re too late noticing the toilet paper is out.

5. While realizing that Thundercats isn’t nearly as good a cartoon as you remembered from childhood.

6. After the parachute opens.

7. While paying a hitman to kill your nemesis.

8. After the test comes back negative.

9. During the credits of M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening. Or Lady in the Water. Or The Village. Or Signs.

10. While convincing your friend you actually like the birthday present they got you.

11. When you see that someone else took the last cookie that you wanted but were too timid to take for yourself.

12. You go in for a kiss. They go in for a hug.

13. While writing a list of worst times to di…

Of course, had I really died, I wouldn’t have typed out an ellipses first. Also, I couldn’t have published this. Or type right now. It’s like I didn’t even think when writing the last example. What sloppy, lazy writing.

We the People Survived The Bush Administration

A friend challenged me to improve upon this T-shirt.

As a fan of challenges and improvements, I had to give it a shot.

And, why not make it a print on demand shirt?

We the People Survived Bush..barely
$17

Because bashing Bush should never go out of fashion (pun totally intended).

Last Late Night with Conan O\’Brien

Wow, things sure do change. I remember being twelve and staying up late to watch Conan O’Brien. Who’d have thought I’d watch his last Late Night on a Sunday afternoon, through the internet and in my boxers?

He’s moving to LA, so I thought I’d pitch some new characters inspired by his new home.

First up is Sally the Opera Singing Silicon Implant.

She sings so loud and high pitched that she bursts herself, sending silicon goo everywhere.

Second we have the Woman With Tourettes Doing Yoga.

No matter how much she tries to relax, she can’t stop cursing like a sailor.

Next up is the Anorexic Name-Dropper.

She’ll pose for any photo, and won’t shut up about what celebrities she saw last night at the club.

Introducing the Guilt Tripping Bowl of Granola.

This cereal will passive aggressively try to turn you vegan.

Meet Ben, the Guy Who Can’t Get Out of His Car Because His Butt Has Melted and Fused With His Car Seat.

His catch phrase: Can you give me a Dianetics stress test in my car?

Here we have Dick, the Guy Who Comes Up With Carl’s Jr. Ads.

He thinks everything would be better if it included a song popular from ten years ago and had more boobs. He could also be Dick, the Movie Studio Executive.

This is Edward the Economic Segragationist.

He works to keep Los Angeles as segregated as possible by refusing to hire minorities for any job that pays more than 15k a year.

And finally here is Cory the Happy Line of Cocaine.

Whatever it is you’re considering, Cory thinks it’s a great idea and you should totally do it.

And all of those ideas come from having spent only two weeks in LA a few years ago. And leaning heavily on stereotypes. Mostly the latter.

UPDATE

So you may have noticed I made a passing reference to Dianetics. Guess what church visited this post a mere 12 hours after it hit the internet? I’ll give you a hint.

Creepy. I wonder if the Pope will visit if I do a joke about Catholicism. Let’s find out.

Q: Why does the Pope wear a funny hat?

A: To hide incriminating information about priests abusing children.

Welcome to my blog, Your Excellency.

John Roland: Compensated Spokesperson

If you live in New York City, you may have noticed this advertisement in the subway.

Wilens & Baker, P.C. really knocked it out of the park when they hired John Roland to be their spokesperson. I mean look at him.

He is such the perfect combination of old and white, that you can’t help but trust the guy. I would like to get injured on the job, just so I can use the services John Roland is paid to speak for.

It saddens and angers me that John Roland wasted 40 years of his life as a news anchor, when he could have spent that time pushing more products. Seriously, I doubt we would even be in this economic crisis if John Roland was out there more, instilling consumer confidence. Who could resist an advertisement like this?

If John Roland accepts money to tell me to eat dog food, I’ll eat dog food.

Or even…

But really, none of these take full advantage of John Roland’s trust inducing visage. Let’s dream really big.

That’s right. John Roland could take out an advertisement conning me into buying the Brooklyn Bridge, and not only would he get my entire life savings, he would get away with it. What jury could possibly convict John Roland? Maybe a jury of robots, but I doubt even their cold silicon hearts can deny his soulful eyes and open face.

Thoughts of a Stand-Up Comic

That’s it. I have to break up with my girlfriend. She is fantastic for me personally, but for me professionally, she’s a disaster. We’ve been together 6 months and it’s been so smooth I have nothing to complain about. Bob’s got a 3 minute bit about the time his girlfriend flipped out when he brought her a Coke instead of Diet Coke. All I’ve got to talk about is how loving and supportive she is. How can you make that funny?

It’s awful, she’s the perfect woman. She likes watching sports, drinking beer and is better than me at video games. She’s busy with her own life and never complains when I’m out late with my guy friends. Oh, and when it comes to sex, she probably wants it more than me. Last night when I was tired and had a headache, she practically forced herself on me. Honestly, if the roles were reversed you could have made a good argument for date rape. But what am I supposed to do with that? Go on stage and complain about how much I’m getting laid?

Things are going so well, that I started actively trying to provoke arguments, just to give me something to work with. I stopped complimenting her appearance, but she hasn’t seemed to notice. For a while I was gushing about how hot her friends were, and now she won’t stop talking about menage-trois. And when I “accidentally” forgot Valentine’s Day, you know what she did? Talk about how it’s a stupid holiday invented by Hallmark. And then, for her birthday I got her a cake with nuts-because I know she’s allergic-but after the EMT worker reopened her airway, she told me “It’s the thought that counts.”

Seriously, this woman is giving me nothing to work with. Right now my act now is a five minute rumination on why Cheez-Its have holes in the center. She’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but if I’m going to make it in this industry I’ve gotta break up with her and start dating some crazy chick with low self-esteem and daddy issues. That’ll get me a sitcom deal within the year, no doubt.

Parkour is for French Sissies

Fauxkour is for American Badasses. I apologize in advance for breaking your brain-ball.

Written, directed and edited by myself and Mike DiBenedetto

US Army’s New Ad Campaign

Here’s the direction I think the US Army’s advertising should go.

I even did a TV spot.

The strength of this approach is that it’s forward looking while still acknowledging mistakes in the past.

Perfume Tag Lines

Perfume ad campaigns are so lame. Ooh look, another celebrity with legal fees photographed in soft light staring vacantly at the camera. Who needs famous-ish women when you have a great tag line? Here are a few I thought of.

Any one of these taglines would sell as much soap scented water as Kate Winslet.

Happy Porn

I’ve probably walked by this store hundreds of times on my way to the subway, but only today did I take a look at the door.

And I think you have to admit that is the most adorable sign for X-rated DVDs ever.

I assume the X’s being on fire symbolize how hot the DVDs are, but I’m not sure what the birds are supposed to convey. Also, I think it’s a little weird that the sign is right next to one advertising transferring home videos to DVD. I wonder if that’s some synergistic business model of theirs. Surely a store that does passport photos, color copies, VHS transfers, photo restorations and lamination along with selling cell phone accessories, ink cartridges, batteries, watch bands, lotto tickets and porn, has a well thought out business model.

Photoshop Tutoring

Look, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s job prospects, but based off of this flyer

I would not recommend taking Photoshop classes from this guy. First of all, Photoshop is a computer program, and that camera looks like it was made before Charles Babbage invented the difference engine. Also, does he even know the program? The flyer doesn’t have one single gradient or drop shadow. At the very least, he’s not a power user or else he would have used some filters to spruce up the image.

Here are a few options, any of which is about one million, two hundred seventy six thousand, nine hundred and twenty-three times better.

Anyone walking by this bad boy will say to themselves, “Who took the time to draw out a flyer by hand with charcoal? Wait, that’s done with Photoshop? I need to learn from that guy.”

The second one is a little more risky because passer-bys will think you actually carved the flyer out of stone and not even realize it’s part of your Photoshopping skills.

Everyone loves clouds, but not everyone knows you can make them in Photoshop.

Wow, whoever did this flyer, it must have taken them forever to get all those little squares in there. I gotta learn their secrets.

Is this a flyer for Photoshop tutorials or a poster for next summer’s Jerry Bruckheimer action-movie-spectacular? I don’t know, but either way I’m going

Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m sharing these mock-ups, I should keep them for myself. Any one of these eye catching flyers would generate me so much business I could retire in a year.