Hobbits Are Real

For those of you who don’t have a Google Alert set for “Indonesia + Hobbit,” boy do I have news for you.  According to this article,  scientists found an 18,000 year old skeleton of a 3 foot tall hobbit.  Apparently these little munchkins had brains smaller than a chimpanzee’s yet could make fire and hunt primitive elephants with their sophisticated stone tools.  If that’s not cool enough, after analyzing the skull, scientists decided that no matter how awesome hobbit-love-making would be, we could not produce fertile offspring with them–i.e. they are a different species!

Of course my first thought was, “What a fantastic scientific discovery.”  And my second thought was, “How can I make money off of this?”

So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you.

Forget dinosaurs, woolly mammoths or your dead cat, we need to get to work on cloning hobbits pronto.  Woolly mammoths and cats are lame and on top of that I’d probably be allergic.  Dinosaurs are cool but a bad idea because they are dangerous and have an insatiable appetite for Jeff Goldblum.  But hobbits are cool and if they escaped, even with their “sophisticated” stone tools, they couldn’t do much worse than give everyone a case of the adorables.

Don’t believe me?  Maybe this YouTube clip I made will convince you.

And that’s worst case scenario.  Best case scenario, one throws some jewelry into a volcano and rids the world of nuclear bombs.

I never believed science should do something just because it can, but this is making me reconsider.  And I’m not naive, I know the task ahead is difficult and will cost tens of hundreds of dollars, which is why I’m opening the gift shop a little early.  So support science and amusement parks (Sciemusement parks?  I call trademark) by purchasing this lovely shirt.

Hobbit Park
$25

So now that safety and funding has been taken care of, who has a PCR replication kit at their home?  Let’s get started.

Help Out Rick Warren

Rick Warren is totally gay balls

I just discovered that my unedited Rick Warren invocation speech is #4 on Google if you search for Rick Warren invocation speech.

This is a travesty; I should be #1.  Do me a favor, go here on Google and click on my link.  It shows up in search results as Rick Warren’s Unedited Invocation Speech | Adam Thinks

You can also help by linking to my post on your blog using the term Rick Warren invocation speech.  Also feel free to use the term Rick Warren is totally gay balls.

If we all work together, we can help get Rick out of the closet.

24 in 24 conversations

Conversation 1

Jack Bauer: I’ve finally learned to balance protecting my country with having a life and being happy.

– A bomb explodes, kidnapping an important diplomat and stealing a chemical/biological/nuclear/doomsday weapon.

Bauer: Better get some coffee, looks like it’s going to be one of those days.

Conversation 2

Bauer: I’m here to save the day, or the 23.5 hours left in it.

New Boss: I’m the new boss of CTU, and I don’t like your history of bending the rules.  I demand complete control over my agents.  Do you understand?

Bauer: I’m sorry, I was too busy loving my country to listen to a pencil pusher like yourself.

New Boss: Jack, you once shot a baby in the head.

Bauer: I was put in an unrealistic moral quandary.  It was either kill a baby or let 100,000 Americans die.  I did what I thought was right and I will not apologize for saving American lives, even if it was your baby I shot.

Conversation 3

Woman: I’m a female agent, but you know I’m capable because I wear understatedly sexy pantsuits instead of revealing skirts.  We have a lead on the bad guy.

Bauer: I’m going alone.

Woman: No, I’m coming with you.

Bauer: Okay, but I will shoot you if need be.

Conversation 4

Woman: We snuck into their warehouse, but they’re gone!

Bauer: They knew we were coming.  There must be a mole in CTU.

Woman: That’s impossible.

Bauer: It happens all the time.  We should consider screening employees.

Woman: I bet the mole is the new employee that everyone hates.

Bauer: Too obvious.  It’s probably the new employee that everyone likes.

Conversation 5

Bad Guy: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk.  I’m ex-Green Berets and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Bad Guy: Okay, I’ll tell you everything you need to know about my boss, the Big Bad Guy!

Conversation 6

Chloe: CTU

Bauer: Chloe, I just got some clues and need you to cross-reference databases.  Can you type on your computer until I run out of people to shoot and then get back to me with the information I need?

Chloe: I’m on it!

Conversation 7

New Boss: I’m going to go take care of some boring personal matter regarding my spouse/child/old-college-roommate that seems unrelated to the attacks today, but will probably end up being intimately intertwined.

Conversation 8

Woman: That was amazing the way you killed 27 guys armed with fully automatic weapons using only your pistol.

Bauer: Thanks for shooting that one guy who got the drop on me.  You’re capable like a man which makes me want to kiss you.

Woman: Am I falling in love with you?

Bauer: I can’t wait to jeopardize my mission because of you.

Woman: And I’m already practicing my wistful look as you get onto a helicopter and out of my life.

Bauer: That will look so good in a split screen.

Conversation 9

Bauer: Chloe, I had to go undercover as a bad guy, and now a SWAT team is coming after me.  Can you find a route out of this building?

Chloe: I’m trying Jack, but there’s a hacker/some kind of encryption.  It’ll take me a few minutes.

Bauer: I don’t have a few minutes.  If I want to save thousands of Americans I’ll have to kill 20 heavily armed police officers.

Chloe: That’s one tough, unrealistic moral quandary.

Bauer: What’s that, Chloe?  I was too busy killing cops to hear you.

Conversation 10

Bauer: I need help, but there’s no one I can trust.

Woman: What are you going to do?

Bauer: Call the one guy I can trust.

Tony Almeida: Hello?

Bauer: Let’s get the band back together!  What do you say?

Almeida: Okay, but only if you get to take all the credit.

Conversation 11

Big Bad Guy: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk.  I’m ex-CIA and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Bad Guy: Okay, I’ll talk!  Everything I’ve been doing is just a cover for a Super Bad Guy who has even bigger evil plans for today.

Conversation 12

New Boss: Jack, so far you’ve single-handedly saved us from 18 separate terrorist attacks and gotten us more usable intelligence than every other agency combined.

Bauer: You’re welcome.

New Boss: But in doing so you’ve broken every law I can think of, so I’m putting you under arrest.

Bauer: Great, here comes a two hour diversion where I’ll have to kill even more police officers in order to save the day.

Conversation 13

Chloe: CTU

Bauer: Chloe, I don’t have time to explain.

Chloe: What do you need?

Bauer: You’re wasting time, just do it!

Chloe: Do what?

Bauer: I’ll explain later.

Conversation 14

New Boss: Oh my god, half the city was just killed by a nuclear/chemical/biological agent.

Chloe: Maybe if you trusted Jack this could have been avoided.

New Boss: I’m too proud to admit I’m wrong.  When will they stop promoting people like me to positions of importance?

Conversation 15

Super Bad Guy: I’m putting you in an unrealistic moral quandary, Jack Bauer.  One bus has 49 school children on it.  The other has 50 prisoners.  You can only save one bus.  Who do you choose?

Prisoners: We’re scary looking!

School Children: We’re young and adorable.

Bauer: Sorry children, but the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.

Conversation 16

Hot Brunette Woman: Hi, I’m a totally hot brunette, do you think you can trust me?

Bauer: Let’s find out.

– Jack shoots her in the leg

Hot Brunette: Okay, I’ll talk.  I’m a double agent.  All hot brunettes are double agents and can’t be trusted.  Now you know our secret.

Conversation 17

Chloe: Jack, it really looks like we’re making progress.  I’m feeling relieved.

Bauer: Don’t be, the hour is almost up.

Chloe: What’s that have to do with anything?

Bauer: Two minutes before the end of each hour, something unexpected and awful happens.  Haven’t you noticed that by now?

Conversation 18

Super Bad Guy: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk.  I’m ex-MOSSAD and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Super Bad Guy: Okay, I’ll talk!  Everything I’ve been doing is just a cover for an Evil Mastermind who has even bigger evil plans for today.

Almeida: Will these layers of intrigue ever end?

Bauer: Apparently not.

Conversation 19

Evil Mastermind: My first 20 terrorist attempts for today–any one of which would have completely destroyed America–have been foiled.  Thankfully I have a few more planned as back-up.

Conversation 20

The President: An Evil Mastermind has just given me an hour to comply with his demands or else there’ll be a huge terrorist attack in America.  If only someone could stop the attack within the hour so that I don’t have to negotiate with terrorists.

Bauer: I don’t think I’m going to make it.

Chloe: I found you a short cut.

Bauer: I made it!

Conversation 21

Evil Mastermind: Jack Bauer, I’m putting you in an unrealistic moral quandary.

Bauer: You mean I’m not done with these for today?

Evil Mastermind: I kidnapped some random innocent guy and the woman you met today and might be falling in love-interest with.  You can only save one of them, who will it be?

Bauer: Either way, an innocent American dies…

– Bauer shoots his love interest.

Evil Mastermind: Why’d you do that?!?

Bauer: If someone is going to die, I want to pull the trigger.  I like shooting people.

Evil Mastermind: But she was your love-interest for today!

Bauer: America is my only love-interest.

Conversation 22

Almeida: Jack, I was just shot, burned and exploded.

Bauer: I wish I could stay and be with you in your last moments, but the mission isn’t done and the clock’s ticking.

Almeida: Go save America again.

Bauer: And who knows, Tony.  Maybe once I leave, you won’t actually die and we’ll meet again in a few years.

Almeida: You always were an optimist, Jack.

Conversation 23

Evil Mastermind: You caught me Jack Bauer, but I won’t talk.  I’m ex-Taliban and I’ve been trained to resist every form of interrogation.

– Bauer shoots him in the leg.

Evil Mastermind: Okay, I’ll talk!  Everything I’ve been doing is just a cover for an Even More Evil Mastermind who has even bigger evil plans for today.

Bauer: That’s impossible.  The day is almost over, we gotta wrap this up.

Evil Mastermind: You saw through my lie!  Here’s the password/antidote/location you need to save the day.

Conversation 24

New Boss: Jack I have to commend you on a job well done.  Please know that in the future myself and everyone else at CTU trusts you enough to do things your way out in the field.

Jack: Thank you sir, I appreciate that.

–A sniper kills everyone who trusts Jack.

Jack: Looks like another long day of proving myself.  God I love America.

Wet Paint Anagrams

If you live in New York City, you have undoubtedly seen the Wet Paint signs in the subway, and have also seen the sign rearranged to say Aint Wet.

Whoever first thought to tear off the P and rearrange the words is a genius.  So perfect in both form and function, it’s hard to believe the idea ever did not exist.

But I am not content with such utilitarian ideas.  It is the superfluous and sublime that captivate me.  Are there other anagrams that can open eyes and lift spirits?

In other words, can I be the love child of Will Shortz and Andy Goldsworthy?

And if so, isn’t that worth a few unexpected paint stains?

Rick Warren’s Unedited Invocation Speech

Let us pray.  All mighty God. Our father. Everything we see and everything we can’t see exists because of you alone.  Except homosexuals.  It all comes from you, it all belongs to you, it all exists for your glory, except devil-spawn gays and their tempting, evil lifestyle. History is your story, hatred is mine.

The scripture tells us “Hear O’ Israel, The lord is our God, the lord is one.”  And you are the compassionate and merciful one. And you are loving to everyone you have made, but I hold gays to a higher standard than you, what with their gross butt-sex and all.

Now today we rejoice not only in America’s peaceful transfer of power for the 44th time; we celebrate a hinge point (is that some gay sex act?  I wonder how that abomination would work) of history, with the inauguration of our first African American President of the United States.  We are so grateful to live in this land that votes against gay marriage even if they may be curious about trying it out.  A land of unequaled possibility where the son of an immigrant can rise to the highest level of our leadership, but I must keep my desires to myself.  And we know today day that Dr. King and a great cloud of witnesses are shouting in heaven, and Ted Haggard and squealing in a joy I can only dream of, the lucky sodomite.  Give to our new president Barack Obama the wisdom to lead with humility, the courage to lead us with integrity, the compassion to lead us with generosity, and the self-control to reign in his homosexual urges that all men must control.

Bless and protect him (he is so beautiful I just want to…get a hold of yourself, Rick),  his family (she’s just a beard, I know it), Vice President Biden (too much plastic surgery for my taste), the cabinet (orgy!  Hillary can tape it), and every one of our freely elected leader (that one’s for you Larry Craig).

Help us oh God to remind us that we are virile sexual Americans. United not by race or religion, or blood, but to our commitment to freedom and to reigning in our desires to enjoy our bodies however feels right.  And justice for all.

When we focus on ourselves, when we fight each other, when we forget you: forgive us.  When we presume that our greatness and our prosperity is ours alone: forgive us.  When we fail to treat our fellow human beings and all the earth with the respect that they deserve: forgive us.  When we are too afraid to admit what we most desire: forgive us.

In these difficult days ahead, may we have a new birth of clarity in our aims, responsibilities in our actions, humility in our approaches and civility in our attitudes even when we differ (damn you Leviticus 18:22-23). Help us to share to serve and to seek the common good of all.  May all people of goodwill today join together, especially well-waxed men, to work for a more just, a more healthy, and a more prosperous nation and peaceful planet. And may we never forget that one day all nations and all people will stand accountable before you, and I hope I score some points for my self-flagellating denial.

We now commit our new President, and his wife Michelle, and his daughters, Malia and Sasha, who have such fun names to say, into your loving care.

I humbly ask this in the name of the one who changed my life: Jesuah, Eesa, Jésus, Jesus, all loving gay prostitutes, who taught us to pray, “Our father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.  Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever.” Amen, and hey men, what are you doing after this?

3 Degrees of Failure

Okay team, huddle up.  I got some bad news.  I just checked the weather and we failed.  This January 16th was not the coldest January 16th on record.

We missed it by three degrees.  Three measly degrees.  Just think how close we were to having a weather man–or woman, thank you Cindy–say on every future January 16th, “It sure was a cold one, but not nearly as cold as January 16th 2009.”  And then we could point at the television and say to our children and grandchildren, “That was me.  I was a part of that.”

But somebody here dropped the ball, and now we’re just another forgotten January 16th.  I know I did my part.  I stood outside for 6 hours handing out ice cubes to whoever would take them.  Wearing no jacket either.  For lunch I ate five ice cream sandwhiches.  And I’m diabetic too, so you can’t say I’m not making sacrifices.

Look, I’m not trying to “play the blame game” or point fingers, but I want to know whose fault this is.  Amy, did you turn the heat off in your house?  No?  You’re on thin ice with this team, I don’t care how young your baby is.  And what about you, Richard?  Sell that Hummer yet?  You drove it to the store to buy hot chocolate mix?  It’s those sorts of unforced errors that cost us the record.  At least tell me no one changed their underwear since the cold snap we got hit with last week.  Really, David?  We were on a roll and you had to go and jinx us.

And yes Betsy, I do remember that we won the hottest day on record for November 14th, but we have to look forward not backward.  Also, the hottest day on record in June is an accomplishment.  In November, that’s like winning the tallest midget contest.  No offense Jim.  I didn’t see you down…I mean over there.

But do you know what really kills me?  We lost out to January 16th 2004!  You know what the number one movie in America was that day?  Along Came Polly.  You’re telling me we’re not better than a day in which a forgettable Ben Stiller romantic comedy ruled the cineplexes?

You know, maybe this is my fault.  Maybe winning the coldest day in recorded history for that day is a fools goal.  Maybe my obsession has only stolen 10 years of my life, three of my toes and any possibility of a sustainable relationship.  Maybe I should just give up and get a respectable job and have a respectable goal like setting up the perfect home entertainment system.

But this is America.  And in America, with enough hard work and determination, you can acheive anything–even the coldest day on record for that day.  So you all can give up, but I’m committed to my goal.  For victory, for glory, for numbness in the extremities.

Grand Teton’s Snake River, Mordor National Park

By popular demand, I’ve made the Ansel Adams’s, Lord of the Rings photoshop into a desktop background.

Choose your size

1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Wyoming, get ready for a New Zealand like spike in tourism.

Nighttime Chat With Bobo

Bobo: Hey, you in there?

Me: Yeah, why?

Bobo: The door’s closed and you’ve been in there for a while, so I was worried you were in danger.  That’s why I stick my paws under your door, to keep you safe.

Me: I’m fine, I’m just working.

Bobo:  That’s cool.  Want me to come in?  We could hang out for a while

Me: No.  You’ll sit on my keyboard and attack the screen.

Bobo: One day I’m going to catch that arrow.  I hate it prancing about the screen, clicking on whatever it wants.

Me: Right.

Bobo:  How dare it not fear me, a ferocious kitten?  I will catch it and bring it to your door as a present.

Me: I’m trying to work, Bobo.

Bobo:  Work’s for jerks.

Me: I guess I could take a break…

Bobo: Oh hey, you’re leaving your room?  Awesomeness, I bet you’re heading to the kitchen, let me show you the way.

Me: I’m not going to the kitchen.

Bobo: Of course not, but just incase you’ve forgotten where it is, let me show you.

Me: I’m going to read on the couch.

Bobo: Don’t fall asleep or I’ll suckle on you.

Me: It’s 3 AM, I don’t sleep at 3 AM.

Bobo: You’re right.

<time passes>

Bobo: Hey, you still reading?

Me: Yeah.

Bobo: Did I mention I know where the kitchen is?

Me: Once or twice…

Bobo: It’s awesome, let’s go there.

Me: Bobo, I’m reading.

Bobo: How about this.  If you don’t come to the kitchen with me, I’ll start meowing a lot.

Me: Fine…

Bobo: See?  Isn’t the kitchen awesome?  Aren’t you glad you came with me?

Me: I don’t know.  It looks the same as it always does.

Bobo:  What are you talking about, the kitchen is great.  Oh hey, what’s that over there?  Why it’s my food bowl.

Me: Yep right where it was when I fed you a few hours ago.

Bobo: Look at it.  It’s so sad, it probably wants food to keep it company.

Me: Bobo, it’s half full with the dinner you didn’t finish.

Bobo: Oh yeah, that.  Right…I think the bowl wants different food.

Me: Different food?

Bobo: Yeah, something with more zest.

Me: Zest? Where’d you learn that word?

Bobo: My food bowl taught it to me.

Me: More zest, I’ll see what I can do.

Bobo: Awesome!

Me: Yep here’s the bowl on the counter where you can’t see it.  I’m whipping up something extra zesty for you.

Bobo: I’m so excited by this that I just noticed something is attached to my butt, I’m going to chase it in giddy anticipation.

Me: Here’s your new zestier food.

Bobo: Awesome chow time!

Me: How is it?

Bobo: This is awesome, I love it I can’t get enough of it.

Me: Bobo it’s the same food, I just mixed it up.

Bobo: Oh my god, you’re right.  I’m going to stop eating it now.

Me: But you just said it was awesome.

Bobo: Right yeah, that was the giddy anticipation.  It clouded the judgement of my tastey budlits, so I thought this was zestier, but then I realized, “Hey where’s the zest? Not in this bowl, no it isn’t.”

Me: Even for a kitten, that’s shockingly nonsensical.

Bobo: Hey where you going?

Me: I’ve got more work to do

Bobo: Oh right, okay, cool.  I guess I’ll see you later.

Me: I’ll see you later.

Bobo: Oh no, he disappeared.  I better stick my paws under his door incase he’s in danger.

Helping “Master” Photographers

I’m not one to disregard everything that has come before me, but let’s face it, a lot of so called “master photographers” weren’t all that great.  And the reason is quite simple.  They were born before the advent of Photoshop.  Thankfully there are people, such as myself, who can help them out.

Ansel Adams

Look, Ansel, you’re a master of controlling values, but anyone can hop in an RV, tool around some national park and take the same basic photo.  If only you weren’t so confined by reality, maybe you could have shown us something truly spectacular and worth talking about.  Something like…

Boom.  I don’t care how many times you’ve been to Grand Teton National Park, you’ve never seen it like this.

Update (1/18/09) I made this a desktop wallpaper.  Choose your size.   1600 x 1247 ¦ 1280 x 998 ¦ 1024 x 798 ¦ 800 x 624

Walker Evans

Walker, the photos you took in the 30′s for the Farm Security Administration really bring home the suffering caused by the Great Depression.  But at some point during your journeys, you must have thought, “Why do they all have to be so gosh darn ugly?  And their skin, my god, have they never heard of moisturizer?”  At the time, you couldn’t fix these glaring problems, but I am more capable than you…

I’m sure Allie Mae Burroughs had a delightful personality, but look how much more delightful her personality is with Rebecca Romijn-Stamos-O’Connell’s face.

Brassaï

Hey Brassaï, nighttime photos of Paris are nice and all, but it’s called La Ville-Lumière, not La Ville-Too-Dark-To-Tell-What-You’re-Looking-At.  Your darkroom must have had some serious light leaks, but don’t worry, I’ve fixed it for you.

It’s called a Curves adjustment layer, and you’re welcome.

Man Ray

Oh, look at me, I have a crazy name and I do crazy things like expose my prints to bright lights during development so that dark areas become light and light areas become dark.  Those sorts of shenanigans may have impressed the fine art world in the 30′s, but you’ve got to step up your game.  Have you considered…

Lens Flares!  Now we’re cooking with avant-garde.

Alfred Eisenstaedt

Jeeze, your photo editor at Life must have been sleeping on the job the day you turned this photo in.  We just declared victory over Japan and all you got was a drab black and white photo.  Where’s the razzle dazzle, Al?

Now I know I’m supposed to be happy.  Also notice my subtle use of hearts, which help to reinforce the feeling of cheer without drawing undue attention to itself.

Robert Frank

Hey Bobby, what did they teach you over there in Swiss photo school?  Don’t you know the most important part of a person is their face?  You totally covered it up by the tuba.  Otherwise it’s a pretty decent photo, so let me help you out…

All better.  And if you look closely you’ll see I made the tuba player Dizzy Gillespie.  Sure it probably wasn’t Dizzy playing the tuba (I think he played the trombone or something), but it makes for a more interesting photo to have someone famous in it.

Diane Arbus

What is going on here?  Photos of kids are supposed to be cute and adorable, Diane.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this an F.  Lucky for you, all is not lost…

There’s a smile!  I also Steven Spielberged out the grenade and replaced it with a bunny, so you can sell it to Hallmark.  Thank me with a 20 percent cut from any subsequent sales.

Tom Kelley

Who knew when you were taking nude photos of a young starlet that she would one day become the world’s greatest sex symbol?  To bad that by today’s standards, Marilyn Monroe’s proportions make her a fat cow.  But all is not lost…

Va-va-voom!  Now that’s something the kids today will go for.

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  There are so many terrible, awful photos from history that are in dire need of my help.  But I am only one man; there is only so much I can do.  Perhaps in the future I’ll do more to help, but for now I must go sleep the sleep of the righteous and just.

Thoughts of a 15 year old boy

I have got to say: This moustache of mine is looking pretty good. It took all summer, but it was worth it. Maybe I can’t grow a full goatee yet, but this lip rug is looking mighty sharp.

I went to get pizza the other day, and you know what the guy behind the counter said to me? He said, “What can I getcha, boss?” That’s right. Boss.

I already bought some moustache wax. By Thanksgiving break I’ll be styling this puppy up like the warrior dwarves in World of Warcraft. I can’t wait to post that picture on Facebook; my guild mates will be so jealous.  Maybe I’ll even get to lead a raiding party.

Only four days until school starts, I can’t wait. “Hey, who’s that new guy with the moustache? He looks so mysterious and cool. Oh my god, it’s Ben? Wow, I never noticed how incredibly sexy he is.” I’ll get my first kiss this year, for sure. And I bet it’ll be with Jenny, too. Sure Rob may be in a band, but I’ll probably be able to buy her beer. What’s more attractive, bad My Chemical Romance rip offs or Miller Lite whenever you want it? Check and mate, Rob!

You and me moustache. We’re going to have one great year.