Matt Mayer wrote the original idea and then Matt, Nathan Russell and I kept adding to it until it very organically became something none of us would have thought of on our own.
Also, if you watched the whole thing and don’t understand the ending, it’s a callback to The Brig’s commercial for the depression medication Numbalex.
G. Gordon Liddy recently attacked soccer as a sport, saying
[Soccer] comes from Latin America, uhh and first we have to get into this term, the Hispanics. Uhh that would indicate uhh Spanish language, and yes, these people uhh in Latin America speak Spanish. That is because conquistadores…tall uhh Caucasians, not very many of them, uhh conquered the Indians, and uhh the Indians adopted the language of their conquerors. But what we call Hispanics now really are South American Indians. And uhh uhh this game, I think, originated uhh with South American Indians, and instead of a ball they used to use the head, the decapitated head, of an enemy warrior.
Sure it seems xenophobic to dislike a sport because it wasn’t invented in America, uninformed to say it was invented in Latin America and racist to assume they played it with a decapitated head, but I have to give Liddy credit for staying consistent. Here are some criticisms he leveled at other sports.
On baseball
Baseball is the perfect example of what is wrong with America today. Baseball, like America, was invented by white Americans, and baseball, like America, is overrun by the decedents of Latin American savages who cross our porous boarders and take our jobs cleaning up at bat, mopping up on the mound and working the fields. Just look at any MLB roster; there’s enough Vazquezes, Martinezes and Rodriquezes that you’d think you’re reading a list of Wal-Mart janitors. And I don’t have to tell you, with enough of those type on a team, it’s just a matter of time before bases end up stolen. It’s time the MLB took a page from Arizona lawmaker’s playbook and made baseball for Americans once and for all.
On basketball
Want to know why Obama loves basketball? Because Obama loves European socialist programs, and it seems now like every NBA team has at least one European player who helps his team with with an unselfish playing style. And if that’s not bad enough, these European guys always look really goofy, like they don’t have full control over their gangly limbs, even when they’re moving the ball well or scoring a basket. They’re a disgrace to a game that used to celebrate the American ideals of showboating and flashiness.
On football
We’ve got the same problem in the GOP as we do in the NFL. It used to be we had a preferential system in place, starting all the way in high school, that fast tracked white guys to the important decision making positions. Now, we have to look diverse, so we end up with leaders like Michael Vick or Michael Steele, who keep messing up by killing dogs or making boneheaded public statements like calling Afghanistan “a war of Obama’s choosing.”
On hockey
Did you know that over half of NHL players are Canadian? That means when you buy a ticket, some of that money goes to a Canadian, which then gets taxed by Canada, which then supports their socialized medicine, and I’ll be damned if I let even one cent of my hard earned money help save a Canadian life.
On golf
Golf is elitist, wasteful and expensive. Only wealthy neighborhoods can afford courses and only wealthy people can afford access and equipment. As a game that clearly favors the rich over the poor, it is everything that makes America exceptional.
When I was elected, I swore to serve the American people, and I’m sorry honey, but the American people do not want us to watch Glee tonight. I’m all for bipartisanship, but I’m not doing my job by voting for a soulless work of lowest-common denominator pandering with cringe inducing musical numbers.
That’s not me talking, honey, that’s the American people. Sure the Nielsen-Gallup polls show a strong support for your Glee bill, but if they actually sat down and read the 44 page script, they’d realize how disingenuous it is for a show that is supposedly about social outcasts to revolve mostly around football players and cheerleaders.
And I don’t listen to polls anyway. I listen to the people. People like Betsy Roderick, a single mother of three struggling to make ends meet, who wrote to me pleading, “Anytime the glee teacher Will Schuester performs a musical number, it’s like watching my uncle dance to Lady Gaga at a wedding party.”
And I’ll never forget Paul Henderson, a lanky 15-year-old, who came up to me with tears in his eyes asking, “Wouldn’t Glee have been more interesting if they came up with good characters instead of a caricature of what middle-aged white guys think Diablo Cody thinks high school students are like?”
Also, honey, your Glee proposal is too expensive. I ran it by the congressional budget office and they said there’s no way a high school could afford the number of costumes and set designs seen in just one episode of Glee, let alone the entire season. They also raised some troubling questions as to how all the students could perform synchronized dance routines without ever practicing.
Oh honey, don’t look so cross at me. I have to act in the best interests of the American people, my hands are tied. We can still come to a compromise. The Jane Lynch section of your Glee bill is quite good, so why don’t you bring a new proposal to the floor that maintains the Lynch clause? I would suggest season one of Party Down.
Now that was a good show. Too bad it didn’t gain traction with the voters.
It’s been 66 days since BP’s Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded, killing 11 workers and causing an oil spill that’s leaking anywhere between 25,000 and 160,000 barrels of oil per day.
It’s a huge disaster, everyone is angry and pointing fingers, but I think we can all agree on one thing:
We need less offshore drilling regulation.
The BP leak has been going for two months, and we can’t stop it because we don’t know how. And we don’t know how because we’ve never dealt with a leak this severe before. And we’ve never dealt with a leak this severe because of too much regulation. We will eventually figure out how to plug this leak, but it will be too late because we would have already known how to if it wasn’t for those pelican loving regulations.
How ironic that the majestic sea birds we hoped to protect with regulations are the ones we hurt the most. And it’s not just the pelicans that are paying the price. Let’s say the leak is spewing 50,000 barrels of oil a day. Over 66 days that’s 3,300,000 barrels of oil. One barrel of crude oil produces 19.5 gallons of gas, which means we’ve wasted 64,350,000 gallons of unleaded. The current average national price for gasoline is $2.74, so we’ve lost $176,319,000.00. That’s a lot of money.
But if we got this oil spill over in 1999, when gas cost $0.99 per gallon, we’d have only lost $63,706,500.00. That’s a savings of $112,612,500.00, and in this economy every 112,612,500 dollars can help.
When you think about it, the only real tragedy is that no one messed up earlier. So instead of being mad at BP, we should be thankful they made up for lost time before gas prices rose even higher.
Earlier today Utah executed Ronnie Lee Gardner for killing a man while trying to escape from a courthouse in 1985. His execution caused a bit of controversy because he choose to die by firing squad and some people found it distasteful to use guns in an execution.
I could not agree more.
Guns are loud and scary, and bullet wounds are gross. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for bloodlust and deadly retribution, but we shouldn’t debase ourselves with the same unsightly violence we seek to punish.
To put it another way, our executions need to be less icky.
This is why I’m also against the electric chair. I don’t even like seeing someone put a nine volt battery on their tongue, let alone get strapped to a chair and have a metal cap shoot 2000 volts of electricity through their body causing them to throw up, crap themselves, spasm violently enough to break bones and even catch fire before they die.
Most other methods aren’t any better. Hangings feel antiquated, guillotines leave you with an unsightly head, and even lethal injections are a problem because I don’t like needles.
The good news is, I’ve come up with a solution.
From now on, we should only execute prisoners by burying them alive. It’s perfect because if they’re in a coffin we can’t see them die, and if they’re underground we can’t hear them scream. Even better, we never have to deal with the body because it’s already buried! No muss, no fuss!
And best of all, it’s the most humane option, because keeps us from witnessing our inhumane behavior.
Israel is a dangerous topic to tackle. Whatever your opinion, it’s important your position appreciates the intricate and emotionally volatile situation.
Or you could photoshop an old Charles Atlas comic book advertisement.
While I did not win the election, I don’t view this as a defeat. My opponent and I had a healthy debate on the issues and the majority of voters disagreed with my views. That is democracy at its finest.
I got into politics for one reason: to serve the people. And the people voted against me. Which is why I am making one simple promise.
I will not change.
With this election, the people have spoken, and they have said quite clearly, “We are stupid.” So I will serve the people by fighting against everything they voted for. This will cause political gridlock, halt any real progress and create enough frustration to confuse the people into thinking I can fix it. Then, and only then, will I have served the people by showing them I was right all along. That is democracy at its finest.
It’s been a really busy week for my UCB Comedy Beta team, The Brig. We have THREE new videos.
Our latest is Overly Ambitious Ensemble Drama, which Zack Phillips wrote, Jason Guerrero shot and I directed and edited.
The thing about a parody of an overly ambitious ensemble drama is that it’s also an overly ambitious ensemble sketch, but Zack not only wrote such a challenging sketch, he produced it and organized all the actors (Zack and I also probably spent about 8 hours planning out the whole shooting schedule).
Who are the actors? I’m glad you asked. In no particular order: Tim Martin, Amy Heidt, Ben Rameaka, Dru Johnston, Corey Brown, Emily Axford, Shaun Diston, Alex Charak, Rob Michael Hugel, Matt Fisher, Kim Ferguson, Verónica Osorio, Jason Saenz, Don Fanelli, Will Hines, Jon Gutierrez, Amber Petty, Dan Hodapp, Brandon Gardner, Josh Patten, Molly Lloyd, Keith Bethea, Jordan Hirsch, Matt Starr, Eddie Brawley, Will Storie, Matt Cutler, Amanda Hirsch, Drew Tarvin, Jeff Wisniewski, Scott Yacyshyn, Dave Bluvband, Ben Ragheb, Matt Mayer, Adam Sacks, Morgan Evans, Zack Phillips and Jason Guerrero.
Also out this week is Time Life’s Rough Drafts Music Collection. Written and directed by Matt Mayer, and featuring the singing of Eliza Skinner, Morgan Phillips and Matt Mayer.
Lost, your breathing is getting shallow, you won’t last the night. In your current state, I realize it seems selfish to trouble you with my problems, but this has been tearing me up inside for too long and I have to get it out.
I don’t love you anymore. Yes, I visit every Tuesday, tend to your needs, pretend to care about your flash-sideways ramblings, but it’s only because I know you’ll be gone soon. As long as I’m being honest, I really considered breaking up with you around season three, but then you got diagnosed with terminal scheduling, so I figured if I’ve come this far, I can see you through to the end.
Some of my friends are still holding out for a death bed conversion. That you will make amends and give us the satisfying ending everyone wants, but you and I know that won’t happen. Because I know the real you. The you that lacks substance. The you that has no believable character motivations. The you that doesn’t have a satisfying story, so you hide behind always asking more questions because if you ever gave an answer, people would see how empty you are.
It’s funny, because your mysteries were what originally attracted me to you, but I grew up and you didn’t. So I’ll be by your side tonight, watching the TV as your heart beat slowly stops, and I will mourn your passing because we did have some good times, but mostly I’ll be disappointed that I put six years of work into a meaningless fling.
I guess this is what happens when you try to start a relationship with a show you met on network television.
Holidays, Movies, The Brig, Video | Adam | 
July 21, 2010 12:40 pm | 
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