The #1 Dating Website

A lot of dating websites make promises, but only one delivers.  Here’s the latest video from my UCB Comedy team The Brig.

Warning: Unless you have headphones, it’s NSFW.

The #1 Dating Website
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

I wrote and edited this one, Nathan Russell directed it, Mackenzie Condon produced it, Jason Guerrero shot it and Mark Phillips wrote the music.  Nate wanted to play it very cute and innocent and I think Alden Ford and Laura Willcox did a great job.

Of Mosque and Men

In case you haven’t read the news in the past month, there are plans to build an Islamic community center a few blocks from New York City’s Ground Zero.  This has angered a lot of people who think the terrorists win if a moderate Muslim center is built nearby the site of of an Islamic-extremist terrorist attack.

Or to put it another way

Excellent point.  If a Muslim country like Saudi Arabia forbids building churches and synagogues, we must do the same and ban mosques.  We cannot afford a religious-intolerance gap!

And if we’re going to keep up with Saudi Arabia, there are a lot of other changes we need to make.

Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow public demonstrations.  These anti-mosque protesters are actually hurting America by exercising a right Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow.  That guy’s sign should really say

And when conservatives call for the repeal of the Fourteenth Amendment because it gives citizenship to babies of illegal immigrants born in America, they are missing a much bigger problem.  What we really need to repeal is the Twenty-First Amendment, which repeals the Eighteenth Amendment which bans alcohol.  Saudi Arabia has been beating us on the prohibition front for too long.

Also, Sarah Palin, I know you’re trying to help America, but you’re holding us back.  Please consider my redesign of your book cover.

Because the only way to beat the terrorists is to become equally intolerant.

Infographics

Recently I haven’t had the time to write new blog posts.  I was beginning to feel guilty until I received an e-mail that offered a solution.

From:  <redacted>
To:  Adam Sacks

Hello Adam Sacks,

I know you’re really busy, so I will try to make this quick and painless. My name is <redacted> and I work with a company that creates and distributes infographics. We are willing to pay you for every infographic you post.

Here are a couple examples of the work we do:

http://mashable.com/2010/05/10/ipod-revolution-infographic/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brian-clark-howard/the-meteoric-rise-of-crai_b_649183.html

http://www.neatorama.com/spotlight/2010/06/17/13-things-worth-knowing-about-super-mario/

We would love to provide you with content while paying you for it.

Wow!  Making money to not write?  That’s like getting paid to procrastinate, the holy grail for every writer.  Needless to say, I was very interested so I responded.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

As you know, my site gets a lot of traffic from highly educated visitors with very specific interests. Here is a list of some topics I would consider posting infographics about.

19th century Russian economic development in relation to the Crimean War.

Shifts in soil content of the Nunavut territory from the Precambrian to Neoproterozoic age.

The rise and fall of the Aristotelian worldview, specifically in regards to 18th century Enlightenment discoveries.

Changes in teapot construction during China’s Sung Dynasty.

The impact advances in fingerprinting technology had on local Chicago elections from 1942-58

And of course anything relating to non-Superstring theory solutions to the mathematical paradox between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics as a particle approaches a black hole.

Please let me know if you can provide content that would interest my readers.  I think this could be something that would benefit us both.
Adam

Less than an hour later I receive the following.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hi Adam,

Unfortunately we do not have graphics based on the topics you are asking about, sorry. What a bummer, I was looking forward to working with you.

Anyway, if you are ever open to other topics we have please feel free to contact me whenever.

Thanks for your time.
<redacted>

To which I responded.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

That is indeed a “bummer,” but I am not one to give up so easily.  Here are some topics that are a bit more mainstream.  I’d be a little surprised if you didn’t have something along these lines.

The evolution of square taper, loose ball bearing bottom brackets to external cartridge based bearing bottom brackets such as Shimano’s Hollowtech II, RaceFace’s X-type, or FSA’s MegaExo.

The deterioration over time of ganglioside biodegradation by hexosaminidase A in Tay-Sachs cells.

The effectiveness of the Budapest Defense in official US Chess Federation tournament play before and after the introduction of the Fischer Variation of the Ruy Lopez opening.

And again, I really do mean ANYTHING related to non-Superstring theory solutions to the mathematical paradox between General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics as a particle approaches a black hole. I know you said you didn’t have anything about it, but maybe you were limiting yourself to non-Euclidean phase space geometry?

Thanks again for your time.  I look forward to a fruitful partnership.
Adam

Believe it or not, they wrote back.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hey Adam,

Your topic interests and ours seems to be a little off… haha Did you see our example of our infographics down in the first email?

We are able to distribute the ones we have to you but we are not going to be able to create new ones based on your topic interests.

Let me know what you think about ours and get back to me.

Talk to you soon,
<redacted>

Since this person seemed so willing to work with me, I figured I should try to be more accommodating in my requests.

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Okay <redacted>,

I’d really like to work with you guys so I’m going to break my own rule here and say I’m willing to post something Superstring theory related.  I’d prefer it to not be about the Calabi–Yau manifold, but I am flexible if that’s all you have.

Looking forward to hearing from you.
Adam

Shockingly, they responded.

From: <redacted>
To: Adam Sacks

Hey Adam,

The examples I sent you are all we have as far as layout goes. Are you going to be okay with that?

Then I remembered…

From: Adam Sacks
To: <redacted>

Hi <redacted>,

You know, I’ve been racking my brain all day, trying to think of a topic you guys might have that would interest my readers and then it hit me:

My readers also love video games.  Do you have any video game related infographics?
Adam

Sadly, they never responded.  I was pretty crushed until I did a quick Google search and found a Superstring theory infographic on my own.  Sure, I’m not getting paid 10 dollars to post it, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Real Fake Guns

There’s a real problem with fake guns.  Here’s the latest video I directed for my UCB Comedy Beta team The Brig.

Real Fake Guns
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

Crystal Delahanty wrote it, I directed it, Mackenzie Condon produced it, Nathan Russell shot it and Matt Mayer edited it.  It stars Tim Martin and Mike Still who both did a great job delivering some difficult lines.

Also, a big thanks to the Abracadabra Superstore for letting us use their store.  They were great to us, everyone should buy a fake gun from them.

Groundhog Day Day

Here’s the latest video I directed for my UCB Comedy Beta team The Brig.  It might be our weirdest one yet.

Groundhog Day Day
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

Matt Mayer wrote the original idea and then Matt, Nathan Russell and I kept adding to it until it very organically became something none of us would have thought of on our own.

Also, if you watched the whole thing and don’t understand the ending, it’s a callback to The Brig’s commercial for the depression medication Numbalex.

Political Self Attack Ad

Here’s the latest from my UCB Comedy Beta team The Brig.

Self Attack Ad
Watch more comedy videos at UCB Comedy

Jon Gutierrez wrote and starred in it, I directed and did the animation, Morgan Evans shot it and Nathan Russell edited it.

Politics of sports

G. Gordon Liddy recently attacked soccer as a sport, saying

[Soccer] comes from Latin America, uhh and first we have to get into this term, the Hispanics. Uhh that would indicate uhh Spanish language, and yes, these people uhh in Latin America speak Spanish. That is because conquistadores…tall uhh Caucasians, not very many of them, uhh conquered the Indians, and uhh the Indians adopted the language of their conquerors. But what we call Hispanics now really are South American Indians. And uhh uhh this game, I think, originated uhh with South American Indians, and instead of a ball they used to use the head, the decapitated head, of an enemy warrior.

Sure it seems xenophobic to dislike a sport because it wasn’t invented in America, uninformed to say it was invented in Latin America and racist to assume they played it with a decapitated head, but I have to give Liddy credit for staying consistent.  Here are some criticisms he leveled at other sports.

On baseball

Baseball is the perfect example of what is wrong with America today.  Baseball, like America, was invented by white Americans, and baseball, like America, is overrun by the decedents of Latin American savages who cross our porous boarders and take our jobs cleaning up at bat, mopping up on the mound and working the fields.  Just look at any MLB roster; there’s enough Vazquezes, Martinezes and Rodriquezes that you’d think you’re reading a list of Wal-Mart janitors.  And I don’t have to tell you, with enough of those type on a team, it’s just a matter of time before bases end up stolen.  It’s time the MLB took a page from Arizona lawmaker’s playbook and made baseball for Americans once and for all.

On basketball

Want to know why Obama loves basketball?  Because Obama loves European socialist programs, and it seems now like every NBA team has at least one European player who helps his team with with an unselfish playing style.  And if that’s not bad enough, these European guys always look really goofy, like they don’t have full control over their gangly limbs, even when they’re moving the ball well or scoring a basket.  They’re a disgrace to a game that used to celebrate the American ideals of showboating and flashiness.

On football

We’ve got the same problem in the GOP as we do in the NFL.  It used to be we had a preferential system in place, starting all the way in high school, that fast tracked white guys to the important decision making positions.   Now, we have to look diverse, so we end up with leaders like Michael Vick or Michael Steele, who keep messing up by killing dogs or making boneheaded public statements like calling Afghanistan “a war of Obama’s choosing.”

On hockey

Did you know that over half of NHL players are Canadian?  That means when you buy a ticket, some of that money goes to a Canadian, which then gets taxed by Canada, which then supports their socialized medicine, and I’ll be damned if I let even one cent of my hard earned money help save a Canadian life.

On golf

Golf is elitist, wasteful and expensive. Only wealthy neighborhoods can afford courses and only wealthy people can afford access and equipment.  As a game that clearly favors the rich over the poor, it is everything that makes America exceptional.

A senator vetoes Glee

When I was elected, I swore to serve the American people, and I’m sorry honey, but the American people do not want us to watch Glee tonight.  I’m all for bipartisanship, but I’m not doing my job by voting for a soulless work of lowest-common denominator pandering with cringe inducing musical numbers.

That’s not me talking, honey, that’s the American people.  Sure the Nielsen-Gallup polls show a strong support for your Glee bill, but if they actually sat down and read the 44 page script, they’d realize how disingenuous it is for a show that is supposedly about social outcasts to revolve mostly around football players and cheerleaders.

And I don’t listen to polls anyway.  I listen to the people.  People like Betsy Roderick, a single mother of three struggling to make ends meet, who wrote to me pleading, “Anytime the glee teacher Will Schuester performs a musical number, it’s like watching my uncle dance to Lady Gaga at a wedding party.”

And I’ll never forget Paul Henderson, a lanky 15-year-old, who came up to me with tears in his eyes asking, “Wouldn’t Glee have been more interesting if they came up with good characters instead of a caricature of what middle-aged white guys think Diablo Cody thinks high school students are like?”

Also, honey, your Glee proposal is too expensive.  I ran it by the congressional budget office and they said there’s no way a  high school could afford the number of costumes and set designs seen in  just one episode of Glee, let alone the entire season.  They also raised some troubling questions as to how all the students could perform synchronized dance routines without ever practicing.

Oh honey, don’t look so cross at me.  I have to act in the best interests of the American people, my hands are tied.  We can still come to a compromise.  The Jane Lynch section of your Glee bill is quite good, so why don’t you bring a new proposal to the floor that maintains the Lynch clause?  I would suggest season one of Party Down.

Now that was a good show.  Too bad it didn’t gain traction with the voters.

BP and Over-Regulation

It’s been 66 days since BP’s Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded, killing 11 workers and causing an oil spill that’s leaking anywhere between 25,000 and 160,000 barrels of oil per day.

It’s a huge disaster, everyone is angry and pointing fingers, but I think we can all agree on one thing:

We need less offshore drilling regulation.

The BP leak has been going for two months, and we can’t stop it because we don’t know how. And we don’t know how because we’ve never dealt with a leak this severe before. And we’ve never dealt with a leak this severe because of too much regulation. We will eventually figure out how to plug this leak, but it will be too late because we would have already known how to if it wasn’t for those pelican loving regulations.

How ironic that the majestic sea birds we hoped to protect with regulations are the ones we hurt the most.  And it’s not just the pelicans that are paying the price.  Let’s say the leak is spewing 50,000 barrels of oil a day.  Over 66 days that’s 3,300,000 barrels of oil.  One barrel of crude oil produces 19.5 gallons of gas, which means we’ve wasted 64,350,000 gallons of unleaded.  The current average national price for gasoline is $2.74, so we’ve lost $176,319,000.00.  That’s a lot of money.

But if we got this oil spill over in 1999, when gas cost $0.99 per gallon, we’d have only lost $63,706,500.00.  That’s a savings of $112,612,500.00, and in this economy every 112,612,500 dollars can help.

When you think about it, the only real tragedy is that no one messed up earlier.  So instead of being mad at BP, we should be thankful they made up for lost time before gas prices rose even higher.

Humane Executions

Earlier today Utah executed Ronnie Lee Gardner for killing a man while trying to escape from a courthouse in 1985.  His execution caused a bit of controversy because he choose to die by firing squad and some people found it distasteful to use guns in an execution.

I could not agree more.

Guns are loud and scary, and bullet wounds are gross.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for bloodlust and deadly retribution, but we shouldn’t debase ourselves with the same unsightly violence we seek to punish.

To put it another way, our executions need to be less icky.

This is why I’m also against the electric chair.  I don’t even like seeing someone put a nine volt battery on their tongue, let alone get strapped to a chair and have a metal cap shoot 2000 volts of electricity through their body causing them to throw up, crap themselves, spasm violently enough to break bones and even catch fire before they die.

Most other methods aren’t any better.  Hangings feel antiquated, guillotines leave you with an unsightly head, and even lethal injections are a problem because I don’t like needles.

The good news is, I’ve come up with a solution.

From now on, we should only execute prisoners by burying them alive.   It’s perfect because if they’re in a coffin we can’t see them die, and if they’re underground we can’t hear them scream.   Even better, we never have to deal with the body because it’s already buried!  No muss, no fuss!

And best of all, it’s the most humane option, because keeps us from witnessing our inhumane behavior.